Tried again..and failed

[tired1221]

I wrote my first post a few months ago. Detailing how I was diagnosed with a blood cancer, the love of my life leaving me, when I needed him the most. My parents turned their backs on me, never checking up on me at all. Getting no help with disability or unemployment, they actually got back to me stating I owe them!!! Like $4,958!!! On top of all this...I been losing my mind. I slept with a married man, that I had a six year affair with. After my love left me, he wasn't there for me anymore. So I caved and slept with the married man again. I went by my loves house one night to hear arguing going on with his baby mama, he was pleading for her to take him back, and that he was sorry for getting another woman pregnant!!!!! What!?! What did I just hear??? Yeah! I left, went home, got some bottles of alcohol and went back after she left. I wanted him to tell me on his own, but he never did. The next day, still half drunk, I text his baby mama on a burner phone that I was "going to take out the trash", I wanted her to think I was the pregnant nut he got pregnant. But, instead she called him all worried, and I fucked up leading all evidence back to me. Weeks went by, thinking it was all dropped until the other day when he came to my house before me, and logged into my iPad. He never said anything until a day later, asking me if I did it..,I folded and told him...and told him I also slept with the married man once since we split...he was angry, not sure what more of...me texting his baby mama, or that I slept with this guy again? But, but he got another woman pregnant!!!! He came over and we argued until I stormed out of my own house saying I know he will never talk to me again...and he hasn't since.
I had about 30, 50mg tramadol and crashed it up and kept snorting it, until I couldn't no more. I still have half left. I woke up, pissed I was still here. The only reason I tried this, is because I couldn't find my SN and supplies that night. That was Wednesday night, I slept all day Thursday, went for a job orientation yesterday and started a job last night. I know I lost my mind. I feel like I am addicted to this man, and can't stop myself. I feel like I have lost everything and every one. I deactivated my Facebook, and haven't posted to any other social media since. I just now found my SN and stuff, so back to the game plan. Every time I try to ctb my love does something to give me a glimmer of hope. I also know, when I do try again, no one will find me for awhile...as no one calls me or checks up on me. I am always the first to engage in conversation. I have tried to move on, but I can't. I don't know if all this with having this terrible cancer, being left by all, or what has me losing my mind.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you've been going through all this.

Are you in a secure and comfortable place? Do you have medical care? Can you spend some time taking care of yourself and think later about all the other stuff?

As far as I know from other posters here, tramadol isn't an exit drug. Please put it away somewhere.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

Oh wow that was a lot of stuff to process I cannot imagine how you must be feeling at all...
I do notknow what to say. I guess you cannot really rely on anyone

 

[tired1221]

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. I am about to lose my apartment by the end of the year, I don't have the money or energy to even think about moving. I will probably leave most of it behind if I don't ctb by then. I have doctors that are half assed, that don't follow up, and only want me to get a bone marrow transplant or they don't want to see me...the only thing they see are $$$$ signs. I know four people that got a bone marrow transplant this year that died...the other ones have to live in a bubble, not getting sick, no being around animals or having certain foods, your environment has be super clean. That's not living! And on top of all that, you lose all your hair, and can't enjoy anything!!!! So, all that on top of everything else I mentioned I can't anymore!!!

I'm sorry you've been going through all this.

Are you in a secure and comfortable place? Do you have medical care? Can you spend some time taking care of yourself and think later about all the other stuff?

As far as I know from other posters here, tramadol isn't an exit drug. Please put it away somewhere.

 

[Lilacmoon]

i am sorry that you are in so much pain. your situation seems truly hellish.
i can relate a lot with being addicted to someone. it is a painful feeling for sure.
please take care and find whatever solace and comfort you need to until you are able to find peace.

 

[Ghost2211]

That is so much to endure. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry life has been so cruel to you, and I hope you are able to find the peace you desire soon.

 

[sadworld]

I'm sorry that life is like that to you. I wish you the best. Hugs

 

[Niftypoint124]

I am so sorry you are in a bad place and feeling low. I am glad that you have somewhere safe and comfortable to be for right now. This former(?) partner of yours does not sound like a love, but a fixation. Those are hard to shake. It also lends itself to understand why you did what you did - not that it's great, but I get it. It sounds like it might be good to take some space to clear your head - you have a lot going on right now, without allowing two suck-ass dudes in the mix.

Are there any programs in your area you could apply to for rental assistance given your diagnosis, or the pandemic?

 

[Soul]

@tired1221, I'm sorry your doctors aren't prepared to accept that the treatment they can offer isn't something you can accept. Can you find other doctors to discuss your options with? There *are* some out there who grudgingly admit that patients have the right to refuse some forms of treatment.

I wish there were some way you could leave your surroundings (and these guys, both of whom sound like bad news) at least for a couple of weeks. Is there anyone you could go visit? (((Hug)))

 

[tired1221]

The one I love called me yesterday to see if he could come over and try to come to some sort of resolution. He had limited time. He just left, saying he would come back this week, I feel like he don't want me back, but is just stringing me along. As well, as him telling me if I ever ctb he wouldn't be able to live with himself. No one here gets how I feel!!! No one sees that I blame my cancer for all of this. This isn't living! It's just existing! All I feel I am doing is taking up air and space on this god forsaken planet! I just wish someone would just come and take me out! Maybe if I piss enough people off, they will do it for me! Lord knows my kids dad hates me enough to do it, he tried when we were together. Yes, I have kids, all grown...and none of them talk to me because the kids dad turned them against me because when I left with them years ago I we were living in my car, and I gave them back because I wanted a better life for them in a warm house as opposed to a car...but he told them, I gave them up! Never got to see me kids again! Even after court orders and child support TO HIM! Yes I paid child support to kids I didn't see, took him to court and they all did nothing! See...this kinda shit has been going on my whole life! I believe I was never supposed to be here, maybe that's why my life sucks so bad. If I was addicted to drugs and or alcohol, I could see why my life was turned upside down, if I was a thief, I could see that as well, but I give a shit about others so much I fucked myself every dammed time. And here I sit, holding on to any glimmer of hope that someone, somehow, someone would love me as much as I love. I thought I had that a year ago, but when he left me, after I been diagnosed with cancer! And his excuse was that he felt empty inside!?! God took the only person that truly made me feel like the luckiest person I ever been, and crushed it...and made my cancer one of the slowest, frustrating ways to die from. If I stopped taking my meds, it still would take a year or two to just slowly have my body waste away. I do have a very enlarged spleen! Maybe that will do it!!!! Maybe I could find a way to rupture my spleen that I bleed out? Hey, it would look like an unfortunate accident! Maybe I should go back to kickboxing, but then again, my partner would feel guilty. Have a drunk punch me in the gut? May work? I am to the point that I only have you all on this site. You don't know how much I appreciate each and every one of you. . Thanks for allowing me to vent.

 

[TattiQueen]

I'm so terribly sorry for all you're going through. It's too much for any one person to deal with, you must be an extremely strong woman to have persevered thus far. I absolutely commend you for being the mother you are. You chose to put your children somewhere they were safe and cared for rather than being selfish because of emotions. When my daughter was a toddler I had to make the same decision, and it was one of the most difficult. I had to put her safety and needs ahead of what I wanted. I really wish you the best dear and I hope you can find a way to work through it, and tell your love to screw off. I know it's difficult, I do. This is also something I've been through. I finally reached that breaking point, and when I left it really wasn't difficult, or as painful as I thought, as he'd taken enough from me.

Sending love, positivity, prayers, and a huge, warm, strong bear hug for you darling. I'm absolutely here for you if you need someone to listen or talk through your problems. Xoxoxo

 

[SuicideRed]

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. I'm new to the site, so I don't know your journey but it sounds like hell. Hugs your way. And I'm a good listener.