Haku
Walking ThePathOfSorrow, destination Denebokshiri
- Oct 12, 2019
- 270
So, the night before Emily, or forum member Gorgon, as some of you may know her by. The night before she wrote her Goodbye post and ctb, she asked me if I could do a tribute post to her after she ctb, and I said yes, thing is, I'm not sure how to really tribute someone, so I will try my best. As alot of you may know, who have read my post, 2 nights ago i posted the I experienced a pain that I never experienced before, and it tore me to shreds, I didn't think I could break anymore, but after that night, I realized that I guess I could break even more. I'm not trying to bash Emily, so please dont think that I am by my words, sometimes I cant Express my words correctly, but I was torn up that night because of Emily, and I am not mad at her for my meltdown, the reason for it was because of her situation. She private messaged me seeking a friend, and I said yes, I would like to be your friend, and then she dropped the bomb on me about her situation, that she was both physically and mentally abused, sexually abused, she was sold by her family, I know that sort of thing happens alot in the world, but, didnt think that kind of extreme thing happened to US citizens. I know people from other countries are sould as sex slaves and brought to the US, but never thought that of someone born here. But yea, not going to say every single thing we spoke of, but that night when she messaged me, and told me her situation, she told me that her partner, more like the guy who bought her, was asleep next to her, and that he had a gun next to him, and she wanted to grab it and ctb. She didnt really tell me about her trauma about why she wanted to ctb, until after, but she was going to shoot herself, and I didnt know at that time that she was a prisoner, so I was trying to get her to not ctb prematurely, not stopping her from doing it at all, but from doing it that way, I kept trying to get her to wait a day or 2, that way she could come up with a better and more peaceful and painless method. For a while I was failing, and I started to freak out, and almost prematurely ctb myself, because I felt powerless to save her. Then I dont remember what I said to her, but I somehow got her to wait a bit, and then from there is when she told me her tragic story and why she had to ctb out of desperation. I her alot of stories about people going through such trauma, and I have met ex victims who went through it, but are not going through it anymore, but Emily was the first person I met that was still going through it at that time, and it broke my heart, I didnt think i could feel that anymore, but talking to Emily, I did, and it sucked. At first she also told me the reason for her abuse was because it was her fault, and not her partners, but then I kind of got her to open her eyes a bit, and she realized it wasnt her fault. And then I said something out of anger for the person who bought and abused her. I told her, if she was not going to change her mind about shooting herself, I told her to shoot that mother fucker first before she did it to herself, and she didnt say anything about that, then I asked her, do you hate your partner, and before you answer, think about all the shit hes put you through... 5 minutes later she says yes. And I told her that was probably a reason to shoot him. She wanted to do it, but she was worried that if she grabbed his gun, that he might wake up before she took it, I told her if she didnt have a plan to get it, I told her to wait, so she doesnt get hit or something worse. So then she said she would wait a day or 2. After she calmed down, she wanted to just have a normal conversation with me, so I did, and we talked about alot of stuff, and being that she was sold at a young age, she was 26, but she seemed to have the mindset of a child between 10 and 12, so I'm assuming that's around the age she was sold, not to sure, never asked her that, so I could be wrong. But, there were times that she would say things like someone 17 or older would say, but mostly during our peaceful conversation, it was the child mindset. She would ask me if I liked school growing up, if I had a nice family and stuff like that, I didnt lie to her, but I did tell her that it wasnt as bad as her situation. She did ask me if my mom would bake me cookies, I said it's not like that, but my mom does care for me, and she told me that she wished her mom didnt sell her and that she wanted a relationship with her.she told me what career she wished she had, that she wanted to be married with kids and a house with a white picket fence, that she wanted to go to college, etc. And I was crushed that even in her current situation, she was able to think about positive thoughts, after hearing her tell me all that, I thought about my own shit life, and how its paradise compared to what she is going through, I started getting thoughts that I probably dont deserve to take my own life, that i am no better than some of the under age kids that sign up for this forum saying they want to die because they got rejected by a boy or girl, and i was someone that told one of these kids not long ago that the problem they were going through was not enough to ctb, and that they should try life a little longer before they decide to commit suicide. I feel like a big hypocrite now, but in my mind, what I went through, i feel like it's bad enough that i want to take my own life, even though i know people are worse off than i am. After a while of thinking this, Emily pointed out that i was silent for a bot, and asked me if i was still Online, I said yes, but that I was having thoughts that were making me feel like not a good person, and she asked me if I could tell her why, so I did, and I told her that I have no right to be feeling this way because she was going through worse, and then, she told me an analogy that blew my mind and almost had me on my knees. The screen shot I posted on her goodbye thread were the words she told me, but I will post it again on this tribute thread. I dont like admitting this, but I started to cry alot after that, not just because her words were beautiful, but because the analogy she used, it is the type of thing I would come up with. Never in my life have I met anybody with the same thought process as me, Emily was it, sure, I have met many people on here that have alot of the same things in common with me, one of them being a newly good friend that I met here, and talk to almost everyday now, but even though we are very similar, we do not share the same thought process, a little, but not poetically, and if your reading this, I dont mean this to hurt you, so please dont hate me, but yea, Emily is the only one I have ever met that shares the same thought process as me, just because of that one little analogy she used, the closest person I met to having the same thought process as me before I met Emily, was Dawn, but still not as close as Emily. But back to the story. After a little while of talking, Emily asked me a strange question, but later I felt comfortable talking to her, so the question wasnt too strange. She asked me if i could be her Valentine, that really caught me off guard at first, especially because of the situation that shes in. So after that, I was silent for a bit, and then I told her, if you were anyone else, I probably would say no, and also because valentine's day is my second most hated day of the year, but because of the words that you told me that broke me again... sure, I'll be your Valentine, and then that's when she said she was very grateful to me and that I am a very kind person, and that she was glad that she chose to come to me to be her friend. After that she said that she needed to go because that piece of shit was waking up, but before she left I asked her, why did she chose me to be her friend and confide everything about what she was going through, out of all the members of this forum, some who been here alot kinger than I have, and she told me, because I've been following you posts, and you seem like one of the kindest people ever, and also, because I feel like some of the things you say, i can relate to, and also, because your name, Haku, it's like the anime orphan, witch we both are. I didnt understand the whole thing about the anime orphan thing, but it felt like a compliment, so I took it as such. Then she logged off. The next day, she messaged me again, telling me that the people who are holding her hostage are about to go out for a few hours, even though she is a hostage, they dont have her tied up or anything, so she said she was going to try to ctb by the charcoal method which I'm not to familiar with, but she said its apparently painless, which I was glad to hear, and that she decided not going to shoot her. Before she told me bye, we had a short conversation that lasted 20 or less, and then it was time for her to leave, she told me that she hopes to meet me in the afterlife and I said I would really like that she thanked me again for my kindness and for easing her mental pain. I told her to not thank me, because I didnt really do anything, I wanted to physically save her, but I couldn't, and I thanked her for trying to ease my mind, even though she was in a very bad situation, and I wasn't. So she said that she was probably going to pass out soon, so she said goodbye to me, but that she will still keep talking to me until she passes out and cant anymore. So we talked for a few minutes more, until I didn't get a reply back for a while, then i realized, that she departed, I started to cry a bit, and then I wrote, that I hope she is feeling happy now, and that all her pain is gone, and that I will see her soon, and that's it. I was torn of her passing, but not as bad as the night before when I had met her, even though I was sad, I was glad she finally didnt have to go through all that fucking shit anymore. So yea, I'm sorry if it is not that great of a tribute, like u said, I'm new to this, but she asked this of me, and I didn't want to deny her, so I did the best I can, so I hope at least some of you like what I had to say about her, I wish I could have don better, but this is the best I can do.and here is the screen shot again of the words she wrote for me.
