Venting “Treatment” has stripped me of any sense of identity

[willitpass]

Being in residential has not improved me. All it has done is stripped me of any remaining sense of self I had. I knew who I was before treatment. I hated that person, but I knew who I was. I don't know if it's the meds or the constantly having my flaws pointed out and picked apart and broken down or the complete lack of autonomy, but I no longer have that. I don't feel like myself anymore. I don't know if my behaviors are out of character or if they're me. I know I'm more angry, rude, and irritable. I hate that change. I don't know who I am anymore. I've completely lost myself.

 

[slinkey10]

I dont know what country ur in but you should have access to an independant advocate someone outside not connected to whatever facility ur in? What do you mean by 'residential' - Have you been sectioned?

"Don't try to offer me help, I've tried everything"...Love this - but im stubborn so am ignoring :)

 

[CatLvr]

I feel so bad for you. I certainly hope the ketamine helps you get yourself back.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I know I'm more angry, rude, and irritable. I hate that change. I don't know who I am anymore. I've completely lost myself.

And of course they'll document those without considering for one second the impact. The environ!ent they maintain has...

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

What meds did they prescribe you?
Antidepressants did that to me and i was not even able to realize it because i was too affected by it.

 

[willitpass]

What meds did they prescribe you?
Antidepressants did that to me and i was not even able to realize it because i was too affected by it.

I'm currently on a low dose of Effexor. That's all, I've refused to let them put me on anything else or up it. They trialed me on Cymbalta for awhile it didn't work and had nasty side effects. They also had me on Vraylar for about two weeks and the physical and emotional side effects were unbearable. With the laundry list of meds I've already tried throughout my life I wasn't even wanting them to try me on anything while I've been here but I was feeling rather pressured by the doctors to comply.

And of course they'll document those without considering for one second the impact. The environ!ent they maintain has...

I've rather continuously been reprimanded for my behavior. I have a rather deadpan sense of humor and am pretty sarcastic and I've had many a conversations with my treatment team about stuff that has been thrown into my chart and taken out of context. I've also been here longer than the average length of stay so I've naturally started to form a bit of a bond with some of the staff, nothing to the point of "oh we're friends" or anything. I still recognize their staff and I'm a patient but I've gotten more comfortable around them. My therapist told me recently I need to work on my boundaries around staff because I've been getting too comfortable talking to them… I'm hours from anyone I know, and have been for 2 months…. How am I supposed to just maintain strictly bland relationships with everyone? I'm a fucking human being. We form connections with people. I feel like every single action I make is being looked at under a microscope and it's making me question my reality and who I am. Is what I'm doing truly some disordered inappropriate behavior? I feel like my personality and qualities I like about myself are being criticized and I'm being told I need to change them. It's so utterly confusing and disorienting.

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

I'm currently on a low dose of Effexor. That's all, I've refused to let them put me on anything else or up it. They trialed me on Cymbalta for awhile it didn't work and had nasty side effects. They also had me on Vraylar for about two weeks and the physical and emotional side effects were unbearable. With the laundry list of meds I've already tried throughout my life I wasn't even wanting them to try me on anything while I've been here but I was feeling rather pressured by the doctors to comply.

I've rather continuously been reprimanded for my behavior. I have a rather deadpan sense of humor and am pretty sarcastic and I've had many a conversations with my treatment team about stuff that has been thrown into my chart and taken out of context. I've also been here longer than the average length of stay so I've naturally started to form a bit of a bond with some of the staff, nothing to the point of "oh we're friends" or anything. I still recognize their staff and I'm a patient but I've gotten more comfortable around them. My therapist told me recently I need to work on my boundaries around staff because I've been getting too comfortable talking to them… I'm hours from anyone I know, and have been for 2 months…. How am I supposed to just maintain strictly bland relationships with everyone? I'm a fucking human being. We form connections with people. I feel like every single action I make is being looked at under a microscope and it's making me question my reality and who I am. Is what I'm doing truly some disordered inappropriate behavior? I feel like my personality and qualities I like about myself are being criticized and I'm being told I need to change them. It's so utterly confusing and disorienting.

Yes do not listen to them, specially the therapist, if you are confortable with the staff do not put any boudaries with them. What the therapist said to you is completely absurd, you need true human connection and you have the right to be how you are. They try to pathologize your behavior in order to make you congruent to what they think should be, like if there was a way to be instead of another. It's very dangerous what they are doing to you, they are making you doubt of yourself for nothing and because of it and all the mistreatment there, you're in a worst state than you were before entering the hospital. Quit this place as soon as you can and feel free to DM me if you need to talk.
And tapp off the medication when you leave, ssri are poisons. There are ressources on the internet that explain how to do it properly.
Good luck.

 

[Idideverythingwrong]

I totally identify with you, I understand you.
Psychiatric methods have taken everything away from me, feelings, memory and essence.
I feel like a broken shell of what I used to be, and the crazy thing is that I don't remember what I used to be like!
It's time to die, this animal is no longer compatible with life

 

[divinemistress36]

Im sorry you are being treated as a guinea pig OP

 

[opheliaoveragain]

this is so fucking unfair. I agree that what the therapist said is fucking ridiculous. they shouldn't even have to think like that, you're honest with us, and you haven't done anything inappropriate. considering you were in med or close to it, you understand what is and is not ok. making a human connection is natural and shouldn't be shit on. sending you so much love. I hear you.

 

[CatLvr]

I would go one step farther than Ophelia and say what they are doing is criminal. Hope you can leave that place soon. That therapist is anything but ... You do not deserve to be treated this way! No one does.

 

[willitpass]

I just want out of this life. I want out of this place. I want out of my head. I'm so fucking exhausted. I've fought so hard for all of my life. Only for my sense of self to be broken down and stripped from me from a place meant to cure my suicidal thoughts that isn't even effectively doing that. I would honestly rather go back to October where I loathed myself with every ounce in my body because I still knew who I was then. My every move wasn't making me question if it's some disorder or behavioral flaw when I was able to act like myself for once.

My roommate told me that last night I was gasping for air and only breathing a few times a minute in my sleep. She notified staff and it took an hour for a nurse to come look at me. Apparently the nurse told her it's "a behavioral issue I'm working on". I also had some health issues crop up recently that landed me in pretty bad shape and staff kept asking me questions about it as if it was something I did to myself and the amount of times I had to clarify it was a medical problem and not a psych problem. It's making me feel like my whole reality is being seen as some psychiatric phenomena. I have an extensive medical history, yet I feel like I'm being treated as if it's all in my head. I feel belittled and ignored.

 

[sadwriter]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The other commenters said it well. I was in res treatment too a few years back, I know firsthand that it can also be really retraumatizing and just create new issues to compound the ones you started out with. Especially for someone with more of an offbeat & dark sense of humor, being constantly picked apart and reprimanded by the staff for "misbehaving" (ie, a lot of the time, just being a fucking human) can suck the life out of you. It's incredibly stressful for anyone to be in an envirnoment where they're being heavily monitored and lacking full autonomy, let alone someone who's already having a rough time because of their mental health. That thing about the medical issues you have being chalked up to "behavioral issues you're working on" sounds super bizzare and dehumanizing too. Like, whoops, sorry, let me DBT my way out of being unable to breathe while I sleep real quick. Super sound logic, treatment team.

Do you still remember the person you were before, back when you felt more connected to your sense of self? Is there any way for you to try to hang onto that, to be yourself with whatever free will you do have where you are, maybe connect to some things that you normally like to do/ that make you feel like yourself? If you're just looking to vent feel free to ignore this– I'm not looking to give you unwanted advice (especially given your member title lol)– but something tells me the person you were & are is still in there. Feeling trapped/ retraumitized/ being in a really stressful situation like this can make you feel and act like you aren't yourself anymore, and that's super real and super painful, espeically since you've been there for two months. But if you've been a fighter for your whole life, I'll bet your psyche is strong enough to keep hanging on, even if your true self is buried right now or if you're questioning things because of treatment. This not to tell you to "look on the bright side"– just saying it as someone who reverted back to a feral middle schooler version of themself more than I'd like to admit back when I was in res treatment.

I hope you're able to get out soon. Let me know if you need someone to talk to