satanpixidreamgirl
sleepy
- Feb 28, 2024
- 14
I've never had a good experience with mental health professionals and finally gave up on getting help completely, from a mix of gaslighting as straight up stupid doctors, I just have given up.
When I was a teen I told a psychtrist a that my dad hit me repeatedly and she called him and he berated me on the phone in front on her for an hour he told her things like "she's an ugly piece of shit"
and what does she do? She tells me to just forgive him of course. "He won't do it again." Spoiler, this was years ago, he still does it, and after ward sometimes he says "remember what that one lady said, you need forgive me"
That's same psychward (I went there twice in one year at ages 14-15 bc I wasn't safe at home) put me on antipsychotics that made me worse and made me gain weight, my dad bullied me about it and I eventually developed an eating disorder.
After that it's a blur of jumping from place to place, I have bad memory. I remember one place straight up closing down and not telling patients.
Another place just cancelled on me for 4 months in a row causing me to lose my medication and I had a psychotic break in this period (why I think my memory is so shit). When my dad hit me in this period, I harmed him, a psychtrist actively talked me out of seeking mental help when I was jail for this, which would've helped my case (This part is vauge because it's incredibly traumatic).
Last time I was in the ward (at age 18, which was on request of my lawyer for harming my dad but it was my choice sorta) there was an older lady whom had sepsis and the medical staff neglected her for a full 48 hours and let the sepsis spread to her leg to the point it had to be cut off. I never will forget the screams and sounds of her vomiting all night, she was across the hall from me and we where forced to sleep with our doors open, we all just sat around in the smoking area bc the staff didn't really go there thinking about her, and how horrible it was. I don't thisnk she sued but I wish she would've. We only got to speak with out assigned therpist once or twice the whole visit and that made it impossible to yknow, actually get help. The staff at the wards near me are mean girls who bully patients, I had friends there who stayed longer and then me in a program where they would be able to have there phone and bring there pets as therpy animals, they would tell me the full extent after I left of how awful these women where, they watched as another staff member (one of the few sweet ones) they didn't like had a seizure and didn't intervene or call for help, I'm pretty sure that she had to go the er. Another case where my friend chiuhaua got labeled as violent for no reason. When I was there I spoke up to one of the worst ones and I got pulled aside and had my stay lengthed because she accused me of bullying a patient I never spoke to, When I tried telling the doctor in charge of my case this he ignored me, When I was talking to one of her inferiors about it she threatened her. This psychward was the most toxic and evil prison I have ever seen, the toxic work place rubbed off on the patients and to everyone except for the few staff members who where victims of it themselves (which they where absolutely powerless), nobody believed any of us.
I avoided "help" for a while after this. except for telehealth psychiatry to get meds, the lady was nice enough. Except for the fact that there's that issue alot of psychitry has,
"This med doesn't work, my anxiety is still really bad"
"Let's try doubling the dose"
"Still doesn't work"
"Let's try doubling it again, you where still on a low dose"
All while having severe chest pains, IBS from severe anxiety.
You tell them that to, yo need something for when you actually get anxious and the most you get perscribed to you is a fucking antihistamine, not even a betablocker to stop the near heart attack feeling. Yeah IK I'm supposed to put in the work, but I wake up anxious, It would be nice to have something to help.
My mom was literally to lazy to renew to our state medicaid (this sounds harsh but only she could to it because she's our document keeper and my dad and I wher constantly reminding her and she would just scream at us and say "I'll do it tomorrow") and I found out the day I had a psychtrist appointment and had to cancel. She's tried reappling but keeps getting denied and she gets really mad when we ask her to reapply. We got affordable insurance but hardly nobody accepts it so finding a psychtrist is super hard now, and my only psychtrist wouldn't accept me, she seem the lesser of evils.
During this time I experienced severe chest pains from anxiety and just said, fuck it. I have to go the er, I couldn't sleep, or eat, I was vomiting pure stomach acid, my colon was spasming from the anxiety and it hurt, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.
But according to an er doctor "ERRMM Actually, you're just having a UTI, that can cause chest pain" (I couldn't get out of bed to piss so that's not surprising at all)
And I had to set there and the him that my head was racing for him to be like"you should seek therapy" like yeah I've done that, I just want my chest to stop hurting, right now, I feel like I'm going to fucking die. They finally gave me hydroxyzine after I kept complaining. I don't even want benzos, just propanol is fine, fuck.
After 8 months of no meds I finally went somewhere else, and I had both a LCSW and psychtrist. I gave the psychtrist a list of my old meds ( the was three ( a mood stablizer, an anti depressant, and an anti anti anxiety medication) I told the psychtrist
"I want to be put back on lamotrigine bc it's one of the only medications that has ever genuinely helped me, but I think I need something else for depression and anxiety" then he said " you don't want to take all those meds, I'm just going to put you on latuda instead"
I didn't realize latuda was an antipsychotic or I would've said no, they make me manic and gain weight, which I'm terrified of a weight gain because I'm afraid my eating disorder relapsing.
I asked him about something for anxiety and he said "well the mood stabilizer should level it out", It didn't. Every morning recently I wake up with awful stomach cramps and that same heart attack feeling. I don't get enough sleep because anxiety and nightmares wake me up way to early every morning but I don't sleep well so I stay in bed all day.
The LCSW pressured me into signing a treatment plant that was impossible for me to follow, she got defensive after I kept telling her "I don't want to do that, It's not possible for me" then she hits me , "you have to stop making problems where there aren't any". She wants me to enroll in a vocational school, I don't have my high school diploma yet (working on it currently) , I'm too broke, don't have reliable transportation, yet and everytime I tried saying any of this to her she would take deep annoyed sighs like I did something wrong. If It's not possible, its not possible.
But I was willing to keep trying with them. Then from the place from where the psychtrist and LCSW are, I get a $200 bill after they tell us the accept our insurance (which has only a $10 copay which is very important) . I cannot afford that monthly. So I had to cancel with them after only one appointment.
During the last month my dad hit me and I had to call the cops (ik I should live by myself but I don't have $1,000 for a one bedroom apartment, all the apparentments near me are two towns over ntm bc I live in a weird rural era) and they didn't believe me because there was only a red mark and I have pinkish skin. The cops asked me after talking to my parents "do you want to hurt yourself" and literally without thinking I said "yeah", So it's to the er, all the doctor's seemed mad at me because I kept telling them I said yes on accident, which Like, I felt hopeless, wanted to die, but I didn't fucking mean to say yes. And then I have conversations with an extremely rude therapist on a tablet. Damn I hate this lady, I knew someone else who had her as her as there primary therpist (didn't know this til afterwards) and she she just flipped her off and walked out one day, this lady fucking sucks. I noticed her being passive but she called my parents, she told me that my dad hitting me was my fault. That I was " acting out" because apparently calling the cops on an abuser is acting out, my parents sure seem to thinks so, clearly she agreed. I called her out politely repeatedly and asked her to stopping passive and she kept on doing it. This lady was just mean spirited and unprofessional. I was chewing gum because I needed to brush my teeth and she fun of me for chewing gum, that sort of thing.
After all these negative experiences, all this time holding out hope that I could finally be heard, not to mention that I have go several towns away to see any doctor because of where I live, I'm tired, I'm in so much physical and mental pain.
Just "getting help" seems impossible.
When I was a teen I told a psychtrist a that my dad hit me repeatedly and she called him and he berated me on the phone in front on her for an hour he told her things like "she's an ugly piece of shit"
and what does she do? She tells me to just forgive him of course. "He won't do it again." Spoiler, this was years ago, he still does it, and after ward sometimes he says "remember what that one lady said, you need forgive me"
That's same psychward (I went there twice in one year at ages 14-15 bc I wasn't safe at home) put me on antipsychotics that made me worse and made me gain weight, my dad bullied me about it and I eventually developed an eating disorder.
After that it's a blur of jumping from place to place, I have bad memory. I remember one place straight up closing down and not telling patients.
Another place just cancelled on me for 4 months in a row causing me to lose my medication and I had a psychotic break in this period (why I think my memory is so shit). When my dad hit me in this period, I harmed him, a psychtrist actively talked me out of seeking mental help when I was jail for this, which would've helped my case (This part is vauge because it's incredibly traumatic).
Last time I was in the ward (at age 18, which was on request of my lawyer for harming my dad but it was my choice sorta) there was an older lady whom had sepsis and the medical staff neglected her for a full 48 hours and let the sepsis spread to her leg to the point it had to be cut off. I never will forget the screams and sounds of her vomiting all night, she was across the hall from me and we where forced to sleep with our doors open, we all just sat around in the smoking area bc the staff didn't really go there thinking about her, and how horrible it was. I don't thisnk she sued but I wish she would've. We only got to speak with out assigned therpist once or twice the whole visit and that made it impossible to yknow, actually get help. The staff at the wards near me are mean girls who bully patients, I had friends there who stayed longer and then me in a program where they would be able to have there phone and bring there pets as therpy animals, they would tell me the full extent after I left of how awful these women where, they watched as another staff member (one of the few sweet ones) they didn't like had a seizure and didn't intervene or call for help, I'm pretty sure that she had to go the er. Another case where my friend chiuhaua got labeled as violent for no reason. When I was there I spoke up to one of the worst ones and I got pulled aside and had my stay lengthed because she accused me of bullying a patient I never spoke to, When I tried telling the doctor in charge of my case this he ignored me, When I was talking to one of her inferiors about it she threatened her. This psychward was the most toxic and evil prison I have ever seen, the toxic work place rubbed off on the patients and to everyone except for the few staff members who where victims of it themselves (which they where absolutely powerless), nobody believed any of us.
I avoided "help" for a while after this. except for telehealth psychiatry to get meds, the lady was nice enough. Except for the fact that there's that issue alot of psychitry has,
"This med doesn't work, my anxiety is still really bad"
"Let's try doubling the dose"
"Still doesn't work"
"Let's try doubling it again, you where still on a low dose"
All while having severe chest pains, IBS from severe anxiety.
You tell them that to, yo need something for when you actually get anxious and the most you get perscribed to you is a fucking antihistamine, not even a betablocker to stop the near heart attack feeling. Yeah IK I'm supposed to put in the work, but I wake up anxious, It would be nice to have something to help.
My mom was literally to lazy to renew to our state medicaid (this sounds harsh but only she could to it because she's our document keeper and my dad and I wher constantly reminding her and she would just scream at us and say "I'll do it tomorrow") and I found out the day I had a psychtrist appointment and had to cancel. She's tried reappling but keeps getting denied and she gets really mad when we ask her to reapply. We got affordable insurance but hardly nobody accepts it so finding a psychtrist is super hard now, and my only psychtrist wouldn't accept me, she seem the lesser of evils.
During this time I experienced severe chest pains from anxiety and just said, fuck it. I have to go the er, I couldn't sleep, or eat, I was vomiting pure stomach acid, my colon was spasming from the anxiety and it hurt, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.
But according to an er doctor "ERRMM Actually, you're just having a UTI, that can cause chest pain" (I couldn't get out of bed to piss so that's not surprising at all)
And I had to set there and the him that my head was racing for him to be like"you should seek therapy" like yeah I've done that, I just want my chest to stop hurting, right now, I feel like I'm going to fucking die. They finally gave me hydroxyzine after I kept complaining. I don't even want benzos, just propanol is fine, fuck.
After 8 months of no meds I finally went somewhere else, and I had both a LCSW and psychtrist. I gave the psychtrist a list of my old meds ( the was three ( a mood stablizer, an anti depressant, and an anti anti anxiety medication) I told the psychtrist
"I want to be put back on lamotrigine bc it's one of the only medications that has ever genuinely helped me, but I think I need something else for depression and anxiety" then he said " you don't want to take all those meds, I'm just going to put you on latuda instead"
I didn't realize latuda was an antipsychotic or I would've said no, they make me manic and gain weight, which I'm terrified of a weight gain because I'm afraid my eating disorder relapsing.
I asked him about something for anxiety and he said "well the mood stabilizer should level it out", It didn't. Every morning recently I wake up with awful stomach cramps and that same heart attack feeling. I don't get enough sleep because anxiety and nightmares wake me up way to early every morning but I don't sleep well so I stay in bed all day.
The LCSW pressured me into signing a treatment plant that was impossible for me to follow, she got defensive after I kept telling her "I don't want to do that, It's not possible for me" then she hits me , "you have to stop making problems where there aren't any". She wants me to enroll in a vocational school, I don't have my high school diploma yet (working on it currently) , I'm too broke, don't have reliable transportation, yet and everytime I tried saying any of this to her she would take deep annoyed sighs like I did something wrong. If It's not possible, its not possible.
But I was willing to keep trying with them. Then from the place from where the psychtrist and LCSW are, I get a $200 bill after they tell us the accept our insurance (which has only a $10 copay which is very important) . I cannot afford that monthly. So I had to cancel with them after only one appointment.
During the last month my dad hit me and I had to call the cops (ik I should live by myself but I don't have $1,000 for a one bedroom apartment, all the apparentments near me are two towns over ntm bc I live in a weird rural era) and they didn't believe me because there was only a red mark and I have pinkish skin. The cops asked me after talking to my parents "do you want to hurt yourself" and literally without thinking I said "yeah", So it's to the er, all the doctor's seemed mad at me because I kept telling them I said yes on accident, which Like, I felt hopeless, wanted to die, but I didn't fucking mean to say yes. And then I have conversations with an extremely rude therapist on a tablet. Damn I hate this lady, I knew someone else who had her as her as there primary therpist (didn't know this til afterwards) and she she just flipped her off and walked out one day, this lady fucking sucks. I noticed her being passive but she called my parents, she told me that my dad hitting me was my fault. That I was " acting out" because apparently calling the cops on an abuser is acting out, my parents sure seem to thinks so, clearly she agreed. I called her out politely repeatedly and asked her to stopping passive and she kept on doing it. This lady was just mean spirited and unprofessional. I was chewing gum because I needed to brush my teeth and she fun of me for chewing gum, that sort of thing.
After all these negative experiences, all this time holding out hope that I could finally be heard, not to mention that I have go several towns away to see any doctor because of where I live, I'm tired, I'm in so much physical and mental pain.
Just "getting help" seems impossible.
