Discussion Trauma from past attempts

[Blueberry Panic]

I always get low when I think about or get reminded of past attempts. They're both a reminder of my failings and of the pain I went through just to try to ctb.

A lot of people don't understand that attempting and surviving can really fuck up your mental health . I have guilt for surviving and a guilt for letting people see me like that .

Does anyone else feel similar?

 

[lilurki]

I understand, for me it was just traumatizing how little support I got from my family. Just reconfirmed my wish to die being alone in the ICU. I feel guilty for still being here frequently. I'm sorry you feel the way that you do.

 

[Tumblewillow]

Yes, my failed attempt ruined my life and drove all my friends and family away. I feel guilty for asking them for help and causing them pain.

The ostracism I faced following the attempt is a major part of my PTSD. I was shamed and called out infront of a group of people and treated like I'd committed a crime, I got coldness and anger and no one mourned when I apologized and isolated myself.

Sometimes I feel selfish because if I had died that time, I would have died feeling loved. I took that for granted. Now when I die, I know it will be with the knowledge that I'm hated and the people who shunned me will be justified for doing so.

 

[bankai]

I haven't failed any attempt yet, but I'm sure that when I do try, I will succeed. simply because the amount of information I am gathering makes me feel certain about it however, yes, I feel that if I failed, I would feel both guilt and shame. My family would make certain of it.

 

[lilurki]

Yes, my failed attempt ruined my life and drove all my friends and family away. I feel guilty for asking them for help and causing them pain.

The ostracism I faced following the attempt is a major part of my PTSD. I was shamed and called out infront of a group of people and treated like I'd committed a crime, I got coldness and anger and no one mourned when I apologized and isolated myself.

Sometimes I feel selfish because if I had died that time, I would have died feeling loved. I took that for granted. Now when I die, I know it will be with the knowledge that I'm hated and the people who shunned me will be justified for doing so.

I can relate Tumble and I'm so sorry you experienced that :(

 

[DivineSpark]

I haven't failed any attempt yet, but I'm sure that when I do try, I will succeed. simply because the amount of information I am gathering makes me feel certain about it however, yes, I feel that if I failed, I would feel both guilt and shame. My family would make certain of it.

Males are more successful at trying than women (statistics) Usually men use methods which are more effective and brutal.

Men account for approximately 75% of the one million annual suicide deaths worldwide.

 

[Average Joe]

I always get low when I think about or get reminded of past attempts. They're both a reminder of my failings and of the pain I went through just to try to ctb.

A lot of people don't understand that attempting and surviving can really fuck up your mental health . I have guilt for surviving and a guilt for letting people see me like that .

Does anyone else feel similar?

I definitely feel this, there are quite a few attempts that were quite traumatic. Being on the train track was terrifying and just how 'impulsive' I was, I think it made me realise that sometimes my emotions pave the way to destruction.

I remember standing on a railway bridge, hoping to jump and seeing my father at the bottom screaming and shouting not to jump, that's guilt that I'll take to the grave.

There's a few others, I'm so ashamed of myself because of the trauma it put on my family. They want a son that's alive and well, I don't see it that way sometimes.

 

[SuicideKitty]

I would be interested to know what thoughts and emotions were in the minds of those who have ventured into CTB but have not yet realised that it is a failed attempt. For example, you have swallowed SN, but you don't know you will survive - how did you feel in the moment?

 

[Blueberry Panic]

I would be interested to know what thoughts and emotions were in the minds of those who have ventured into CTB but have not yet realised that it is a failed attempt. For example, you have swallowed SN, but you don't know you will survive - how did you feel in the moment?

I've flatlined twice and I was actually thinking u would die so many times.
I honestly feel a bit of fear but at the same time a feeling of euphoria . It's blissful and surreal to know that you are actively dying.

 

[Forveleth]

While I did not personally feel much other than annoyance when I woke up, I understand how some people have strong negative reactions to an attempt. I mean, you tried to kill yourself. Even if you are consciously, purposefully trying to die, the deep part of your brain is going to be unhappy about it and will panic. That fear and panic then makes its way to the front and can leave you feeling terrible afterwards.

This can also be made worse by waking up to a hostile environment in a hospital and/or by friends/family abandoning you after learning about your attempt. This then leads to people feeling worse.

I always encourage people to try to be gentle with yourself as you really did go through something traumatic. Also reach out anywhere you can. Do not be afraid to post about failures here as there are many of us in the same boat and we know what you are going through.

 

[StupidCat]

That's why I'm not attempting unless I'm totally sure I will succeed.

 

[Canri]

i understand and feel the same way sometimes. most of my feelings about this stuff comes and goes. i used to be forced to feel very guilty and shameful a lot. i'm so sorry you went through the same thing