Venting Trapped for years with someone who keeps s*xually assaulting me and I fucking hate it

[Dorito]

Acidentally got black out drunk last night. Woke up in the middle of the night half undressed. Asked the guy I live with and share a bed with about it. For context, I was homeless until I couch surfed here, got black out drunk, and he raped me. He kept me around as an easy fuck because I had no other choice if I wanted a place to stay, then he got me pregnant before he could kick me out. I've been here for seven years. We get along okay half the time but I'm asexual, I didnt like sex before this but after the years of sexual extortion I'm sex repulsed now, I fucking hate it. He's borderline sex obsessed. Well, woke up half undressed and asked him about it. He took advantage of me. I said I didn't believe him because I didn't, and still don't have, ANY MEMORY OF IT. He whips out his phone and shows me a video of him fucking me that he took without my consent. He does that a lot even though I beg him not to. I fucking hate my body and sex, I obviously dont want it on video. I didnt even look conscious. I got upset with him and his response was to give me shit for being so drunk in the first place and make me feel guilty and like I owed him and then he made me have sex with him again even though I felt really sick and said no. I have extremely vivid dreams, theyre so fucking real and last so long and I can't get good rest most of the time because they're so intensive. Last night after all that I dreamt that I hanged myself, full suspension. Went through the whole process, all the steps and emotions and thoughts. I felt the rope on my neck, the same rope I have in the garage. I can't stop thinking about it. Usually when I attempt it's because I know I'm a burden on others, Im codependent and mentally ill as fuck; I know I fucking suck. Fuck it though when I do it it's gonna be for me. I fucking hate it here I can't fucking stand this shit. I just want to feel safe and loved and comfortable and I haven't had that since I was little. "It gets better" my fucking ass.

I hate that that happened and I feel all this shit but I'm not allowed to. The second he gets back from work I have to start pretending like it didn't happen and that I'm fine and that it doesn't matter. I can't get any help with anything from him without him demanding sex in exchange. I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I can't work or drive, I don't make money, I don't have in person friends that aren't also his friends, my family is a bunch of homeless, severely mentally ill addicts. I have nowhere else to go. It just fucking sucks.

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm so sorry I don't know how someone can treat another person so badly. You deserve better.

 

[RCan]

Acidentally got black out drunk last night. Woke up in the middle of the night half undressed. Asked the guy I live with and share a bed with about it. For context, I was homeless until I couch surfed here, got black out drunk, and he raped me. He kept me around as an easy fuck because I had no other choice if I wanted a place to stay, then he got me pregnant before he could kick me out. I've been here for seven years. We get along okay half the time but I'm asexual, I didnt like sex before this but after the years of sexual extortion I'm sex repulsed now, I fucking hate it. He's borderline sex obsessed. Well, woke up half undressed and asked him about it. He took advantage of me. I said I didn't believe him because I didn't, and still don't have, ANY MEMORY OF IT. He whips out his phone and shows me a video of him fucking me that he took without my consent. He does that a lot even though I beg him not to. I fucking hate my body and sex, I obviously dont want it on video. I didnt even look conscious. I got upset with him and his response was to give me shit for being so drunk in the first place and make me feel guilty and like I owed him and then he made me have sex with him again even though I felt really sick and said no. I have extremely vivid dreams, theyre so fucking real and last so long and I can't get good rest most of the time because they're so intensive. Last night after all that I dreamt that I hanged myself, full suspension. Went through the whole process, all the steps and emotions and thoughts. I felt the rope on my neck, the same rope I have in the garage. I can't stop thinking about it. Usually when I attempt it's because I know I'm a burden on others, Im codependent and mentally ill as fuck; I know I fucking suck. Fuck it though when I do it it's gonna be for me. I fucking hate it here I can't fucking stand this shit. I just want to feel safe and loved and comfortable and I haven't had that since I was little. "It gets better" my fucking ass.

I hate that that happened and I feel all this shit but I'm not allowed to. The second he gets back from work I have to start pretending like it didn't happen and that I'm fine and that it doesn't matter. I can't get any help with anything from him without him demanding sex in exchange. I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I can't work or drive, I don't make money, I don't have in person friends that aren't also his friends, my family is a bunch of homeless, severely mentally ill addicts. I have nowhere else to go. It just fucking sucks.

Just a thought here but have you thought about contacting a domestic abuse or sexual abuse crisis centre for the possibility of going to live in a refuge?

Just a thought here but have you thought about contacting a domestic abuse or sexual abuse crisis centre for the possibility of going to live in a refuge?

I've never tried these myself so I don't know what they're like exactly… or how long they are able to house people for… but you can always call and ask

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

When he's at work, you must find some help. There are places you can go for safety. You can go into a Refuge. You must tell someone what he's doing to you. He won't stop.

You can get away from him, but with help. I've been in abusive situations, I know how frightening it is, it is horrific. The first step is the hardest.

You can do this. Get on searching for help, we don't know where you are or we would also help you.

His phone is full of evidence. He'd get done for it, but right now your safety is a priority. Get out first. You can, you don't need to kill yourself to get away. If that's what you want, wait until you're safe and give yourself some time to adjust first, but give yourself time. These things are so fucking hard.

We're all here for you x

 

[TraumaEscapee:)]

Are you in the UK? If not pm me what country you're in. I am happy to help you, as someone who experienced DV and escaped, I too was under the control of a sex predator at one point. I know how you feel x

I want to help you. You don't have to go through this I promise.
You may have tried to leave before and it may not have worked but I want to help you. Together we can make it work.