Venting trans thoughts on ctb

[weightedrocks]

as a non-passing trans women, who is having "her" hormones threatened by recent legislation across the country my only real lifeline that I have is disintegrating. My family has disowned me upon them finding out, and I'm running through all the savings I have trying to stay sane; and it isn't working. I'm a freak and most people see me as some macho manly man and treat me like that, causing me to be dysphoric and disassociated almost constantly. I don't think I'll ever pass as a woman, and I will never be a woman. So what's the point? People in trans circles tell me the same canned lines my therapist does, but that doesn't make me feel better it's the same shit as someone seeing that ur sad and asking how you are doing, just to continue walking after you tell them you feel like shit. Nobody fucking cares. A friend of mine told me "nobody cares about you as much as you do" and I don't fucking care about myself at all, so nobody can. I've attempted to ctb before and failed, but this downhill spiral is definitely pressing me to try again. It feels like I'm being pulled under a riptide and the lifeguard is just staring and yelling "you can do it!" from the shore.

 

[sincerelysad]

im so sorry you're going through family rejection over being your true self and im so sorry hrt is being threatened for you. everyone deserves to live authentically to themselves and you absolutely do not deserve to be outcasted or rejected for trying to do that for yourself.
you will not believe me and it won't make your feelings go away, but you are a woman. your outward appearance doesn't negate the fact that you're a woman and im sorry people have made you feel like it does. im not a trans woman so i don't know how it feels but i can imagine it's one of the most awful feelings that exists.
i think trans women have a really beautiful purity and essence to them and i just want them all to flourish and thrive and grow into someone they feel comfortable identifying as. you deserve that and so much more.

if you maybe want an influencer to look towards for hope or maybe just to relate to, i suggest looking up Gabbi Tuft of instagram, tiktok, or facebook. she's a trans woman a couple of years into her transition and she used to be a really famous WWE wrestler. i find her so inspiring due to her background, the type of body changes she's had to go through, and the way she talks about the female trans experience as someone who is transitioning well into adulthood/into a male dominated career where she really had to rely on her masculinity.

feel free to start a convo or a chat with me at literally any time. im here for you!

 

[Worndown]

You have physical characteristics you cannot change. If most see you as a macho man...that is because you look like one. To others, we are who they perceive we are. At least initially.

On the inside you really are who you are. Be the best you that you can be.

I do not know your appearance so I need to guess on some of this. Will the therapy change you enough to be passable? If it really will not, is it worth pursuing that treatment? You might need to balance your desires with what is attainable.

Choosing where you go and who you associate with might help too. Not saying you cloister yourself, just spend less time where you will never feel comfortable.
Family...it sounds like they would rather be happy in their world than have you happy. Not very inclusive. Until they come around, you are probably on your own. You might find comfort with others sharing this problem.

The important part is you being comfortable as YOU. Those that deny you their love or friendship are not worth your time.

 

[weightedrocks]

You ever think you are destined for more than this?
I could
Transition, be medicated, chemically castrated, and happy in the same way a dog is happy with a ball.
Or I could fight it, fight it more.Take care of myself, stop all this disgusting tranny faggot bullshit.
Wanting men sexually, wanting to be a woman. I'm just deranged.
Men can't be woman, I will never be a woman and I wasn't intended to be one. It's better to live a numb disassociated life that is worth something, where you have kids and a family rather than wasting it all and becoming some fat ugly freak eunuch who demands people call him something he isn't.
This world is disgusting. I'm no better than it. I'm losing the fight against my own mind. I need God. Demons have taken over me. I'm dead. I'm a living being controlled by a corpse mind. Nothing is left but empty thoughts and vague irrelevancies. I may be a woman on some ambiguous metaphysical level, but I am equally a biological, chromosomal male. Nothing I can do will change either thing and stitching myself a plastic face with a plastic torso and a plastic pussy will just rip from me what I am. Running away from the pain and hurt into this supposed saving grace, there no lie any answers to your problems. Only destruction.
You, I, we, stare death in the face. Or am I already death? The monster bearing it's tusks and pharyngocele, would it not be the same death that lurks behind you? Rather than hide it shows itself in plain sight. It is you, me, I, we.
I am death, destroyer of my own world. Destroyer of my own fate, destroyer of the person I could have been. A father to many, a mother to few, a woman a man a thing a being an entity. Nothingness. The clouds of awkwardness and blankness that surrounds all. Numbness. Despair. Loneliness. Contempt. Nothing awaits you traveler. We all die for naught. The earth keeps spinning and you won't be here to see it. Pipedream. Bones. Chaos. War. Why not love yourself? Why condemn yourself to a life of hatred?
Is a life of farinelli bliss not better than eternal psychomachia?
"Besides the Sun there may be moonlight but if the Sun were removed there would be no Moon to see. What would Christianity now be if the Roman Church has in fact been destroyed?" – Letter 250, The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien
Are you/I/we too far gone? The mind has been cut from the body. Depersonalization disorder? Body dysphoria disorder? Disassociative personality disorder? Autism Spectrum Disorder? Clutching at straws it's obviously Gender Dysphoria Disorder dumbass.
"My body was there, but my mind and spirit were somewhere else. It was like I was a shell of a human, but the mind and spirit were off doing the work I needed in order for me to recognize my higher self when I had finally arrived. And I did, years later.
Just keep going, and take it one day at a time." - Jessica Cee

 

[fuzzy-clown]

Hello there. Another trans person here.
It seems like you have some stuff to work through. It's possible to find some semblance of peace as a trans woman. It may not be as perfect as you'd like, but you can exist and be content with who you are. It just takes a lot of time and mental processing. Surround yourself with supportive people.

Anyway, it's up to you whether you decide to transition or not. Gender dysphoria sucks.
Best of luck.

 

[weightedrocks]

Hello there. Another trans person here.
It seems like you have some stuff to work through. It's possible to find some semblance of peace as a trans woman. It may not be as perfect as you'd like, but you can exist and be content with who you are. It just takes a lot of time and mental processing. Surround yourself with supportive people.

Anyway, it's up to you whether you decide to transition or not. Gender dysphoria sucks.
Best of luck.

Well I am transitioning. Been on hrt for a few months now just such a low dose there have basically been no effects. Need to get on an AA to "actually transition."

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Gender dysphoria sucks and it a big shame that we couldn't have been born the correct way from the get go. I myself have a very intense case of gender dysphoria and have decided to choose CTB over transitioning., but I have my own reasons for it and it should no way influence your decision.

I hope you make the best decision for yourself regardless of what it is.

 

[grosz]

Well first I want to say that I am really sorry that you happened to be in such a situation, but I just wanted to point out that I cannot fucking understand parents that do shit like this. Like imagine your love being so fucking conditional and cold that you just want to have
a perfect being that may be referred as the next you to whom you try to pour your unfilled ambitions. It makes me feel sick when I think about how many parents had their kids not to love them, but to shine with them.

I hope things will get better for you pal, they probably wont, but hey everything is supposed to be possible

 

[luochasdebilas]

your worth is not determined on whether your peers perceive you as female. everyone is on a different journey when transitioning and yours might seem a bit more rocky. best of luck in fighting for your rights to transition.

 

[Unending]

I'm trans as well. I understand how painful it can be feeling like you'll never pass and being seen by society as a man even after being on hrt for long enough that it was supposed to have some life changing effects. It truly is a terrible thing to endure. That being said, if you've only been on hrt for a few months, you won't have seen it's full potential (or much change at all as far as I know).

It definitely seems to work better for some people than others and I don't know what your genes are like but yeah, even if it is going to be a life-changing medication for you, you won't know it for a while.

Also, your parent's judgement is no reflection on you. It's simply their defect that they can't accept you for who you are. That being said, I'm aware that it being their defect doesn't make being disowning any less harmful though.

You ever think you are destined for more than this?
I could
Transition, be medicated, chemically castrated, and happy in the same way a dog is happy with a ball.
Or I could fight it, fight it more.Take care of myself, stop all this disgusting tranny faggot bullshit.
Wanting men sexually, wanting to be a woman. I'm just deranged.
Men can't be woman, I will never be a woman and I wasn't intended to be one. It's better to live a numb disassociated life that is worth something, where you have kids and a family rather than wasting it all and becoming some fat ugly freak eunuch who demands people call him something he isn't.
This world is disgusting. I'm no better than it. I'm losing the fight against my own mind. I need God. Demons have taken over me. I'm dead. I'm a living being controlled by a corpse mind. Nothing is left but empty thoughts and vague irrelevancies. I may be a woman on some ambiguous metaphysical level, but I am equally a biological, chromosomal male. Nothing I can do will change either thing and stitching myself a plastic face with a plastic torso and a plastic pussy will just rip from me what I am. Running away from the pain and hurt into this supposed saving grace, there no lie any answers to your problems. Only destruction.
You, I, we, stare death in the face. Or am I already death? The monster bearing it's tusks and pharyngocele, would it not be the same death that lurks behind you? Rather than hide it shows itself in plain sight. It is you, me, I, we.
I am death, destroyer of my own world. Destroyer of my own fate, destroyer of the person I could have been. A father to many, a mother to few, a woman a man a thing a being an entity. Nothingness. The clouds of awkwardness and blankness that surrounds all. Numbness. Despair. Loneliness. Contempt. Nothing awaits you traveler. We all die for naught. The earth keeps spinning and you won't be here to see it. Pipedream. Bones. Chaos. War. Why not love yourself? Why condemn yourself to a life of hatred?
Is a life of farinelli bliss not better than eternal psychomachia?
"Besides the Sun there may be moonlight but if the Sun were removed there would be no Moon to see. What would Christianity now be if the Roman Church has in fact been destroyed?" – Letter 250, The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien
Are you/I/we too far gone? The mind has been cut from the body. Depersonalization disorder? Body dysphoria disorder? Disassociative personality disorder? Autism Spectrum Disorder? Clutching at straws it's obviously Gender Dysphoria Disorder dumbass.
"My body was there, but my mind and spirit were somewhere else. It was like I was a shell of a human, but the mind and spirit were off doing the work I needed in order for me to recognize my higher self when I had finally arrived. And I did, years later.
Just keep going, and take it one day at a time." - Jessica Cee

If you want to not transition that's fine too. Hopefully you'll make the choice that gives you a more fulfilled and honest life.

 

[lottiecara139]

You ever think you are destined for more than this?
I could
Transition, be medicated, chemically castrated, and happy in the same way a dog is happy with a ball.

Forgive me if I'm overreaching here, but writing this dismissively about the concept of your own potential happiness makes it seem like you don't think you deserve it. You do. We all do. If God exists, she made you as you are for a reason and if she doesn't, then we're all just cosmic accidents free to claw whatever happiness and peace we can find. I'm sorry your family treated you so disgustingly. But know that they failed you, not the other way around.

Trans spaces can come across like artificially positive hugboxes sometimes (I think just as a response to the toxicity and abuse we get from outside of them) but that doesn't mean you need to give in to believing the worst of what your internalised transphobia is telling you instead. It takes time but HRT has hugely impactful, wide-reaching effects. Even if you want to die now, there's a chance three years of estrogen could change that.

 

[whywere]

Having gone through a complete family rejection from day 1, it made me cry and broke my heart reading your post about you.

You are such a wonderful and loving person, reading your post made those aspects clear to/for me.

I consider you family. as I have no family nor friends, and my "parents" kicked me out at 18 and I never heard from them again ever, 100% their choice.

You deserve all the love and happiness in the world, and I completely agree with @lottiebelle139 that HRT and estrogen might help a lot.

Sending you lots of love, huge hug, caring and kindness.

Also, lots of sunny blue skies for you to enjoy, my good friend.

Walter

 

[Mikan3]

trying to change my name or gender on any of my documents is so frustrating
like i was barely hanging on by a thread and this just pushed me over it

 

[The Eeyorish One]

I get where you're coming from. Im also a non-passing trans woman. Been transitioning for ~2.5 years. I just look like a dude with weird small sideways tits now. I mostly gave up and I just wear a tight sports bra and go out in boymode all the time. I still take hrt because idk what the fuck I'd do if I became even more masculine but yeah… it's just a slog through existence. Most non trans people just think we're deranged or degenerates. Constantly seeing people call for our death or trying to legislate us out of existence sucks. People say that we can't let them win by becoming another part of "the statistic", but that's never really motivated me personally, but idk, it's worth mentioning I guess just in case it helps someone else.

 

[weightedrocks]

I get where you're coming from. Im also a non-passing trans woman. Been transitioning for ~2.5 years. I just look like a dude with weird small sideways tits now. I mostly gave up and I just wear a tight sports bra and go out in boymode all the time. I still take hrt because idk what the fuck I'd do if I became even more masculine but yeah… it's just a slog through existence. Most non trans people just think we're deranged or degenerates. Constantly seeing people call for our death or trying to legislate us out of existence sucks. People say that we can't let them win by becoming another part of "the statistic", but that's never really motivated me personally, but idk, it's worth mentioning I guess just in case it helps someone else.

 

[nembutal]

i support you. there are many other people on this planet who do as well, and i believe that love overpowers any negative energy perpetuated by the far right/religious groups. i understand how you feel to a degree, as every trans experience is different, i am very disgusted by my feminine appearance and have been struggling to get top surgery for a few years now. i think the first step towards relieving at least part of this self hatred that festers inside of you is acknowledging the fact that we are all separate individuals with personal goals set in mind. your primary goal is to feel comfortable in your own skin therefore YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CHOOSE TO WALK THAT PATH. this means letting go of the desire to please others that has been hammered into us as children. this means letting go of what others want you to be, and embracing your uniqueness and striving to become the person you would like to be. when i finally let go of my desire to cater to my family's desperate craving for conformity i felt as if my soul had torn my body, what kept it engulfed in shame for so long, into pieces, i felt free. remind yourself to live for yourself, for your own interests. this is your life, your consciousness. no one operates your vessel but you.

 

[PurpleBlack]

sending a lot of love. I can't imagine what you are going through. Maybe it would serve you to also find a forum of other trans people, I think they can give way better support and advice than I ever could. Also maybe some tips and tricks. I also think it will help if you hear from people who are further in the journey, since it sounds like you're at step 1. Maybe it will be motivating to see how people have come out at the other end!

If you're a big person it can be hard to pass as the other gender but there are a lot of surgeries available these days, I know there are some charities that pay for them in some instances. Such as chin reduction, smaller nose etc. I used to follow a beauty youtubeer who was trans so I heard about it through her journey and surgeries.

Best advice I can give you, is that in this mental hard times to surround you with as many things as possible to make it easier on you. You're going to have to cut out a lot of people who are not supportive of you, and it's going to be hard. Follow uplifting and supportive media and youtbe channels instead of getting stuck in the negative trans news, especially in american politics. I watch a lot of youtube so I would switch to succesful trans women there, theres channels that make it their subject but also 'just' succesful youtubers who talk about non-trans things such a nikkitutorials and charlieissocoollike. You're going through a lot right now, take every opportunity to make it yourself a little bit easier.

 

[Mikan3]

sending a lot of love. I can't imagine what you are going through. Maybe it would serve you to also find a forum of other trans people, I think they can give way better support and advice than I ever could. Also maybe some tips and tricks. I also think it will help if you hear from people who are further in the journey, since it sounds like you're at step 1. Maybe it will be motivating to see how people have come out at the other end!

If you're a big person it can be hard to pass as the other gender but there are a lot of surgeries available these days, I know there are some charities that pay for them in some instances. Such as chin reduction, smaller nose etc. I used to follow a beauty youtubeer who was trans so I heard about it through her journey and surgeries.

Best advice I can give you, is that in this mental hard times to surround you with as many things as possible to make it easier on you. You're going to have to cut out a lot of people who are not supportive of you, and it's going to be hard. Follow uplifting and supportive media and youtbe channels instead of getting stuck in the negative trans news, especially in american politics. I watch a lot of youtube so I would switch to succesful trans women there, theres channels that make it their subject but also 'just' succesful youtubers who talk about non-trans things such a nikkitutorials and charlieissocoollike. You're going through a lot right now, take every opportunity to make it yourself a little bit easier.

i have never heard of charities paying for transition related surgeries but maybe that's true. There's no surgery that will cure being tall and broad though...

 

[PriestessOfVenus]

Well I am transitioning. Been on hrt for a few months now just such a low dose there have basically been no effects. Need to get on an AA to "actually transition."

Official, non-DIY HRT prescribers are well-known for putting people on uselessly low doses. I am also a trans woman, I started with official HRT back in 2014, but I had a highly unusual life circumstance that made me OK with low-dose stuff: I had an agreement with my life partner (cis-F) that I had to pay for her breast implants in exchange for her supporting my transition, and so I was delaying growing my own breasts until I could pay for my partner's - which got done in late 2017. I am now post-op, had my SRS in 2021 (Mexico, paid cash, in the middle of that scamdemic of tyranny and mass formation psychosis), and I take DIY HRT instead of official crap. I very highly recommend this guide by Lena:

[email protected] | Wiki

groups.io

Right now I inject EEn juice from a vial cooked by Lena herself back in early 2022 - I bought several vials from her just before Ukraine blew up - but I have since bought the dry powder from a Chinese seller listed in Lena's article above, and I am looking to set up my own brewery at home.

I happen to be of the opinion that monotherapy (high enough doses of E alone) is generally better than AAs, as most common AAs have all kinds of side effects - but the dose of E needs to be HIGH for monotherapy to work. Sufficiently high doses are generally achievable only by injection - but if you are willing to trust DIY and get the right stuff, then hope may NOT be all lost for you, sister!

I don't know when I will finally get around to setting up my own brewery to cook injectable EEn juice following Lena's recipe, but until then, I recommend you try Otokonoko Pharmaceuticals - Lilian also has very high reputation in trans DIY community. Here is the product I would recommend:

Estradiol enanthate – Otokonoko Pharmaceuticals

otkph.com

For the dosage, I would recommend starting with Lena's guide - many others say it's insanely high, but I am on that dosage myself, and when I had my blood tested, my levels were just right. I say start with Lena's recommend dosage, and rhen adjust up or down based on blood test results.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

as a non-passing trans women, who is having "her" hormones threatened by recent legislation across the country my only real lifeline that I have is disintegrating. My family has disowned me upon them finding out, and I'm running through all the savings I have trying to stay sane; and it isn't working. I'm a freak and most people see me as some macho manly man and treat me like that, causing me to be dysphoric and disassociated almost constantly. I don't think I'll ever pass as a woman, and I will never be a woman. So what's the point? People in trans circles tell me the same canned lines my therapist does, but that doesn't make me feel better it's the same shit as someone seeing that ur sad and asking how you are doing, just to continue walking after you tell them you feel like shit. Nobody fucking cares. A friend of mine told me "nobody cares about you as much as you do" and I don't fucking care about myself at all, so nobody can. I've attempted to ctb before and failed, but this downhill spiral is definitely pressing me to try again. It feels like I'm being pulled under a riptide and the lifeguard is just staring and yelling "you can do it!" from the shore.

im trans too, and i understand what youre going through. all the anti-trans legislation particularly in the US has been terrifying. im sorry your hrt is being threatened and that your family has disowned you, that is cruel

no matter how anyone else views you, you are who you want to be. you are a woman, simply because you want to be a woman. fuck transphobes, their opinion of you doesnt matter

like others have suggested, i think it can be incredibly helpful to have people who recognize and validate who you are and respect you. there are a lot of supportive trans spaces and communities online, and lots of content and art made by trans people. on this very site there are other trans people who support you and see you as valid. because you are valid, and you deserve respect