mahakaliSS_MahaDurga
Visionary
- Apr 2, 2020
- 2,404
When I was a teenager, I used to love to take Tramadol occasionally. I loved it so much that my enthusiasm was recognized by my GP who gave me a nice F11 diagnosis. In my late twenties/early thirties, I was taking Methadone regularly for about 3 years. I weaned it off very slowly, and I have been clean since Oct 2016.
Two months ago, I bought 3 boxes of Tramadol which lasted for quite a while (I have 6 pills left). I took it on weekends mostly, I would take 7-8 pills and then extra 4-5 when I was peaking (1.5 - 2 hours after taking the initial dose). That coincided with me feeling better/more motivated in life in general. While life felt like painful drudgery in the previous year, Tramadol really helped to change that outlook.
RecentlyI found out that my dealer is having problems dispatching it to my country due to fucking Covid measures (a different topic altogether that I do not want to delve into here), so now I am panicking.
I do not want to order it from the dark web, and I am not sure if there is a way for me to get it prescribed. I have started taking it for back pain from time to time (1-2 pills), since my shoulders and neck are really hurting very often. I could try to get it without prescription in one of the neighboring countries, but I cannot cross the border (fucking Covid again).
I was thinking of getting Kratom, but it is very pricey (125$ for 25 pills).
I am rambling, but the point of this thread is to ask people with more medical knowledge than I have about this:
I have been of the opinion that it is practically impossible for former addicts to function normally without an occasional dopamine boost that abuse of opioids brings. Is there any truth in this claim or am I engaging in magical thinking? @Aap You seem the most qualified to answer this question, so I am tagging you.
I have tried taking L Tyrosine to balance out my neurotransmitters, but it tends to give me headaches, so I avoid it most of the time.
Taking Tramadol made a positive difference for me, and even though I relapsed after 4 years of being opioid-free, I do not see that as a failure since it helped making my life more bearable. I want to have an option to take it occasionally, that is all.
What is the best course of action I can take?
Btw my therapist does not know about Tramadol, pot or the fact I was an addict. I saw her only 3 times - once in May, when I gave up on pursuing therapy, and twice in the last week or so. She told me I was severely depressed in May but that right now I seem almost hypomanic (something I noticed myself). I am of the opinion that hypomania might be drug-induced, something she does not know about.
To make matters worse, I am going through unbelievable stress at work. My boss did not want to allow me to work from home for a few weeks and I told her I will get a sick leave. The reason I wanted to work from home was the fear for my father's health - he barely survived his heart operation last Summer and my boss is very irresponsible and stupid - she forced the cleaner to come to work even though she had Covid symptoms, afterwards more than half of my coworkers got infected. If my father got infected, I am sure he would not survive it, and if he ended up in the hospital on a respirator or something, I would literally murder my boss and call the police afterwards or just ctb tbh.
My GP has retired in the meantime and I found a new doctor. I came to her with my shrink's medical opinion and recommendation that I take 1-2 months of sick leave. The GP did not want to give that to me and told me to look for another doctor. I found one, but then I found out that I cannot change my doctor for a year, per some dumb regulation. I had to appeal that decision and now I am waiting for some comittee to meet up and decide on it, which might happen in 6 months for all I know. I went back to my GP and told her that I have the right to get medical help but she still does not want to take me as a patient. I reported her to the Ministry of Health. I have not been going to work lately (I asked for days off due to moving and I made excuses such as having explosive diarrhea lol that prevented me from coming to work), but this cannot go on forever. I am actively looking for a new job and I would be ecstatic if I got fired from my old job cause then I could sue my boss, if she skipped some required step in the procedure of firing me. I have another job and some money saved, so I am not concerned about the money. I just cannot bear the thought of returning to work and it is so fucking frustrating that I could be on a sick leave now, if it weren't for my bitch doctor. That is, I could be working from home and notneed a sick leave at all if my boss wasn't into power games. I called her out for being insensitive in our Viber group, before that I told her about the stress and paranoia I am experiencing but she would not budge. Last time I was at work, I yelled really hard at her and told her I cannot stay at work because I feared what I might do. Honestly, I think I would have assaulted her physically if I stayed. I hate her that much. I reported her to a higher professional authority/inspection for employing unqualified people (her friends and family) and for mobbing. One guy she employed got fired (she did not hire a qualified professional who applied for the job, but gave the job to an unqualified dweeb), so I am beginning to see justice. Just needed to vent. My point is that the system is so fucking corrupt and even though I said I feel like I might be dangerous for myself and others to a fucking medical professional, she refuses to grant me a sick leave, against the recommendations of my shrink. It is almost as they want to drive me to do something violent. Just to note, I had one sick leave in my 7-year long career, I took 2 days off while I was in fever and had temperature of 40 C a few years ago. So I definitely did not ask for a sick leave now because I am "lazy" or something. It is just that my work conditions became unbearable.
I have started to joke with my parents about burning my place of work down. I tell them: "Tomorrow morning, I am going to the gas station to get some gasoline, then I am going to my doctor, then to work, and you guys just watch the news at 12 if you want to see how it went." I am joking about it, but what scares me the most is the fact I know I would be capable of doing it. For seven years I have felt bad about working there and the job is making me suicidal. I work what I have been trained to work and the salary is decent, but I work in a village that is far from my town (I make 900 kilometers a month), with really dumb people. The boss acts distrustful and difficult towards anyone who gets a job there, and lives outside that village. I saw her do that to people who stated working after me, so it is not all in my head and it is not personally directed against me. I will not take any more of it. I can hardly remember the person I was when I started working there - full of enthusiasm and good ideas, which all got slowly suffocated or torn down by my criminally incompetent boss. I am taking my life back.
I have been making progress at my other job and I am aiming for getting full time there, which probably won't happen in another year or so. Tbh the only things keeping me alive are the desire to get justice and the fear of hurting my father if I died. My mom and sister have been acting like cold bitches towards me for most of my life so the thought of them getting hurt by my death makes me joyful. Last time I talked to my sister was when TripleA died. Her response was that I am to blame for his death because I did not call for help (I knew only his first name and the general area he lived in). I was so upset about that that I almost ctb'd impulsively that day, Dec 16th. She is upset at my parents for really dumb reasons and did not even wish them a Merry Christmas. If I knew my death would irreparably harm her, I would do it right now, but considering she is a heartless bitch, she'd probably be over it in a few days. Her husband texted me the other day saying she bought a house-warming present for me (even though we do not talk to each other). I felt like ctb-ing when I heard that.
Thankfully, I am taking the keys of my new apartment today and soon I will control when I see my parents, and hopefully I will stop daydreaming about death and carnage. I am now going to be in debt for 17 years so it is not the right time to quit my job, but I told my boss that I would rather starve in the streets than to take this shit anymore and I am serious about that. Wish me luck guys, I need all the luck I can get.
If the circumstances I am facing force me to die, I will do it with a smile on my face, as a last FUCK YOU to the system. I will definitely utilize my death in the most efficient way and draw attention to things people need to start talking about. Defeat Never, Victory Forever.
Just to add. If I am forced to die, I will do it in order to escape the life conditions that are making it very difficult for me to have my sense of dignity intact. That is a legitimate reason, imo. Many people have legitimate reasons to die. Some people from this site that have died, did it without having a valid/objective reason for it, though.
Ecmnesia was 21, went to Med school, had financial support of her parents etc. She died because her parents were emotionally abusive, as far as I remember. My parents are emotionally abusive towards me since early childhood and I never considered that a valid reason to ctb. I really wish the worst to happen to people who encouraged ecmnesia to "be autonomous and ctb". Fucking snakes. I hope you burn in hell.
Two months ago, I bought 3 boxes of Tramadol which lasted for quite a while (I have 6 pills left). I took it on weekends mostly, I would take 7-8 pills and then extra 4-5 when I was peaking (1.5 - 2 hours after taking the initial dose). That coincided with me feeling better/more motivated in life in general. While life felt like painful drudgery in the previous year, Tramadol really helped to change that outlook.
RecentlyI found out that my dealer is having problems dispatching it to my country due to fucking Covid measures (a different topic altogether that I do not want to delve into here), so now I am panicking.
I do not want to order it from the dark web, and I am not sure if there is a way for me to get it prescribed. I have started taking it for back pain from time to time (1-2 pills), since my shoulders and neck are really hurting very often. I could try to get it without prescription in one of the neighboring countries, but I cannot cross the border (fucking Covid again).
I was thinking of getting Kratom, but it is very pricey (125$ for 25 pills).
I am rambling, but the point of this thread is to ask people with more medical knowledge than I have about this:
I have been of the opinion that it is practically impossible for former addicts to function normally without an occasional dopamine boost that abuse of opioids brings. Is there any truth in this claim or am I engaging in magical thinking? @Aap You seem the most qualified to answer this question, so I am tagging you.
I have tried taking L Tyrosine to balance out my neurotransmitters, but it tends to give me headaches, so I avoid it most of the time.
Taking Tramadol made a positive difference for me, and even though I relapsed after 4 years of being opioid-free, I do not see that as a failure since it helped making my life more bearable. I want to have an option to take it occasionally, that is all.
What is the best course of action I can take?
Btw my therapist does not know about Tramadol, pot or the fact I was an addict. I saw her only 3 times - once in May, when I gave up on pursuing therapy, and twice in the last week or so. She told me I was severely depressed in May but that right now I seem almost hypomanic (something I noticed myself). I am of the opinion that hypomania might be drug-induced, something she does not know about.
To make matters worse, I am going through unbelievable stress at work. My boss did not want to allow me to work from home for a few weeks and I told her I will get a sick leave. The reason I wanted to work from home was the fear for my father's health - he barely survived his heart operation last Summer and my boss is very irresponsible and stupid - she forced the cleaner to come to work even though she had Covid symptoms, afterwards more than half of my coworkers got infected. If my father got infected, I am sure he would not survive it, and if he ended up in the hospital on a respirator or something, I would literally murder my boss and call the police afterwards or just ctb tbh.
My GP has retired in the meantime and I found a new doctor. I came to her with my shrink's medical opinion and recommendation that I take 1-2 months of sick leave. The GP did not want to give that to me and told me to look for another doctor. I found one, but then I found out that I cannot change my doctor for a year, per some dumb regulation. I had to appeal that decision and now I am waiting for some comittee to meet up and decide on it, which might happen in 6 months for all I know. I went back to my GP and told her that I have the right to get medical help but she still does not want to take me as a patient. I reported her to the Ministry of Health. I have not been going to work lately (I asked for days off due to moving and I made excuses such as having explosive diarrhea lol that prevented me from coming to work), but this cannot go on forever. I am actively looking for a new job and I would be ecstatic if I got fired from my old job cause then I could sue my boss, if she skipped some required step in the procedure of firing me. I have another job and some money saved, so I am not concerned about the money. I just cannot bear the thought of returning to work and it is so fucking frustrating that I could be on a sick leave now, if it weren't for my bitch doctor. That is, I could be working from home and notneed a sick leave at all if my boss wasn't into power games. I called her out for being insensitive in our Viber group, before that I told her about the stress and paranoia I am experiencing but she would not budge. Last time I was at work, I yelled really hard at her and told her I cannot stay at work because I feared what I might do. Honestly, I think I would have assaulted her physically if I stayed. I hate her that much. I reported her to a higher professional authority/inspection for employing unqualified people (her friends and family) and for mobbing. One guy she employed got fired (she did not hire a qualified professional who applied for the job, but gave the job to an unqualified dweeb), so I am beginning to see justice. Just needed to vent. My point is that the system is so fucking corrupt and even though I said I feel like I might be dangerous for myself and others to a fucking medical professional, she refuses to grant me a sick leave, against the recommendations of my shrink. It is almost as they want to drive me to do something violent. Just to note, I had one sick leave in my 7-year long career, I took 2 days off while I was in fever and had temperature of 40 C a few years ago. So I definitely did not ask for a sick leave now because I am "lazy" or something. It is just that my work conditions became unbearable.
I have started to joke with my parents about burning my place of work down. I tell them: "Tomorrow morning, I am going to the gas station to get some gasoline, then I am going to my doctor, then to work, and you guys just watch the news at 12 if you want to see how it went." I am joking about it, but what scares me the most is the fact I know I would be capable of doing it. For seven years I have felt bad about working there and the job is making me suicidal. I work what I have been trained to work and the salary is decent, but I work in a village that is far from my town (I make 900 kilometers a month), with really dumb people. The boss acts distrustful and difficult towards anyone who gets a job there, and lives outside that village. I saw her do that to people who stated working after me, so it is not all in my head and it is not personally directed against me. I will not take any more of it. I can hardly remember the person I was when I started working there - full of enthusiasm and good ideas, which all got slowly suffocated or torn down by my criminally incompetent boss. I am taking my life back.
I have been making progress at my other job and I am aiming for getting full time there, which probably won't happen in another year or so. Tbh the only things keeping me alive are the desire to get justice and the fear of hurting my father if I died. My mom and sister have been acting like cold bitches towards me for most of my life so the thought of them getting hurt by my death makes me joyful. Last time I talked to my sister was when TripleA died. Her response was that I am to blame for his death because I did not call for help (I knew only his first name and the general area he lived in). I was so upset about that that I almost ctb'd impulsively that day, Dec 16th. She is upset at my parents for really dumb reasons and did not even wish them a Merry Christmas. If I knew my death would irreparably harm her, I would do it right now, but considering she is a heartless bitch, she'd probably be over it in a few days. Her husband texted me the other day saying she bought a house-warming present for me (even though we do not talk to each other). I felt like ctb-ing when I heard that.
Thankfully, I am taking the keys of my new apartment today and soon I will control when I see my parents, and hopefully I will stop daydreaming about death and carnage. I am now going to be in debt for 17 years so it is not the right time to quit my job, but I told my boss that I would rather starve in the streets than to take this shit anymore and I am serious about that. Wish me luck guys, I need all the luck I can get.
If the circumstances I am facing force me to die, I will do it with a smile on my face, as a last FUCK YOU to the system. I will definitely utilize my death in the most efficient way and draw attention to things people need to start talking about. Defeat Never, Victory Forever.
Just to add. If I am forced to die, I will do it in order to escape the life conditions that are making it very difficult for me to have my sense of dignity intact. That is a legitimate reason, imo. Many people have legitimate reasons to die. Some people from this site that have died, did it without having a valid/objective reason for it, though.
Ecmnesia was 21, went to Med school, had financial support of her parents etc. She died because her parents were emotionally abusive, as far as I remember. My parents are emotionally abusive towards me since early childhood and I never considered that a valid reason to ctb. I really wish the worst to happen to people who encouraged ecmnesia to "be autonomous and ctb". Fucking snakes. I hope you burn in hell.
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