Totally underestimated Misery until I hit it

[hemonpath]

I've never been good at titling my posts but if you're here cool: I've totally underestimated what it's like to be depressed and not-in-the-mood and I am so sorry for thinking otherwise.

I'm on this site for a reason so I do know that I want to go away at some point in the relative near future...

But I never understood how bad the lows can get. I took rum (drink a lot, and every booze has a different reaction for me) for the first time in a while and i was just not interested in anything. I couldn't even truly get drunk. I was stuck feeling sickly and faded instead. I tried to talk to people or do something productive but nothing worked. I felt like I was sealed in some invisible hermetic superalloy. I existed, but couldn't influence anything. I could not talk, I could not experience. Sad songs didn't even hit me (and they usually always do when I feel like shit.)

It occured to me then that there are some people out there that are at a level of being so far gone that they feel this all the time all the way, and it fucks me up inside to think that something like that exists. That's a level of hell that I've never even tried to imagine. To be honest, I'd rather be in a misery where I can feel something emotionallly sad about it rather than that super bubble of murky bad nothing that I experienced today.

Does any of that make sense?

In any case, I'll be a lot more careful and empathetic about when I talk to anyone who says they are truly depressed. My understanding was not at all at the level that I thought it was.

 

[crimea_river]

It makes a lot of sense. I've generally been depressed my whole life. Like some physical injuries, I haven't always been aware of it, or have tried to run it off, or ignore it.

If there's a 'positive. from my state of mind, it is empathy. Although, it's sometimes hard to maintain.

 

[HGL91]

Yes. There are different levels of depression. I've been sad. I've been moody. And I've been straight up emotionless and it is, as you explained, Hell. Unfortunately, the latter is what I experienced if I'm not on antidepressants.

 

[NostalgiaOnFire]

Depression, and especially bipolar disorder as I live with, has many shades. It isn't just one experience. Some days are worse and different than others. In terms of the numbness and anhedonia you are referring too, it absolutely does suck and is scary sometimes. I've gone so far as to scream at the top of my lungs just to break that sort of trance, but it doesn't work. It goes away when it wants to, normally when the next horrible thing happens to break the glass around the numbness bubble and put me pack into active deep dark depression.

 

[kolski]

This is why a solid definition of how depression effects an individual is pointless. Some days are okay. Most days are shit. Every time I feel that I've hit my lowest, life makes sure to hit me even harder the next time.

Atm I'm stuck in this haze. 5 am is where I seemed to be trapped. I've tried to kill it w whiskey and drown it w music but nothing seems to help. I don't even like to call it depression. I feel like giving it a name just makes it a larger part of who I am. It's just unbearable. Like an invisible emptiness that keeps you in bed until 4 pm coz it's too hard to get up. Wow I'm a fucking mess

 

[HGL91]

This is why a solid definition of how depression effects an individual is pointless. Some days are okay. Most days are shit. Every time I feel that I've hit my lowest, life makes sure to hit me even harder the next time.

Atm I'm stuck in this haze. 5 am is where I seemed to be trapped. I've tried to kill it w whiskey and drown it w music but nothing seems to help. I don't even like to call it depression. I feel like giving it a name just makes it a larger part of who I am. It's just unbearable. Like an invisible emptiness that keeps you in bed until 4 pm coz it's too hard to get up. Wow I'm a fucking mess

I'm drinking right now and crying my eyes out. The idea of getting up right now would be torture. Luckily it's 7:30pm, and I'm at home so no one can tell me what to do!