Morgengrauen
Sunshine Ward
- Sep 10, 2023
- 99
Past SI and CTB attempts have always been fluctuating between "wanting actual death" and "just wanting the pain to stop" type suicide but right now i'm experiencing such a polar opposite camps inside me to the degree i'm disociating so bad i'm literally watching head me fight with child me from the outside, like i'm witnessing a murder suicide and feeling both the extreme wish to die and utter terror stuck in fight/flight/freeze. On top having such extreme mood swings multible times a day and experiencing bad hallucinations again.
i can acknowledge that this current CTB plan i have is just me trying to escape this dead end but i can't get any help out without getting retraumatised either. been actively looking for therapists/psychiatrist but they're all either overran or send me away/drop me because my case is "too difficult". can't get into a better hospital without a therapists referral. can't get any financial aid to move out this shithole and either get disability or into rehab without a new psychiatrists assessment. I literally cannot access any kind of help. been calling everything and everyone to no avail. Not a single helpline knows what to do. Friends who know about my plans can't do anything but to accept my choice, incapable to step in. I'm basically being left to die and have to accept that it's better to end it but this inner turmoil is unbearable and i can't do anything about it. No cry for help is gonna make this rotten system do it's job so i'm better off ending this miserable existance. Date and plan are already standing, just need to clean my place and finish writing my last letters.
I'm curious if anyone else has ever experienced this to such a degree and what helped you out of it (or not and just sitting in the same boat waiting to CTB soon too)
i can acknowledge that this current CTB plan i have is just me trying to escape this dead end but i can't get any help out without getting retraumatised either. been actively looking for therapists/psychiatrist but they're all either overran or send me away/drop me because my case is "too difficult". can't get into a better hospital without a therapists referral. can't get any financial aid to move out this shithole and either get disability or into rehab without a new psychiatrists assessment. I literally cannot access any kind of help. been calling everything and everyone to no avail. Not a single helpline knows what to do. Friends who know about my plans can't do anything but to accept my choice, incapable to step in. I'm basically being left to die and have to accept that it's better to end it but this inner turmoil is unbearable and i can't do anything about it. No cry for help is gonna make this rotten system do it's job so i'm better off ending this miserable existance. Date and plan are already standing, just need to clean my place and finish writing my last letters.
I'm curious if anyone else has ever experienced this to such a degree and what helped you out of it (or not and just sitting in the same boat waiting to CTB soon too)
