Too scared and too many variables to seek help.

[Green Destiny]

This stems from my deep inability to open up about myself. Hell even online behind a screen I still feel very uncomfortable writing about it. But other reasons range from the distrust of psychiatrists since I have heard stories of them breaking the confidence of their patients and back stabbing them via telling others their deepest secrets or simply having them committed to the psych ward. To how drugs and medication not only changed the person using them, it permanently damaged them mentally or chemically beyond repair not to mention withdrawal symptoms. One other thing is that my mom basically shut me down the 2 times I told her about my suicidal thoughts, I won't say she doesn't love or care for me but she has a massive arsenal of her own issues that she'll take to the grave before admitting that she could use some help herself, just a guess that she's doing the same with me.

But the end all be all for me is that trying would feel pointless, I can't truly open up, I don't feel comfortable leaving myself vulnerable to psychiatrists betraying my trust and tossing me in the psych ward, I don't wan't to be worse off after trying meds than I already am. However I've heard that CTB'ing should be the last resort after all else has been tried and fails and I'd be a liar if I said here and now that i've tried everything to make things better. Oh and this isn't including the Corona shit going around, definitely not looking into getting help while the world is on the brink from a Pandemic.

 

[pole]

i understand having troubles with opening up.

i'm also a person who absolutely hates talking about themselves and their problems. i never have and probably never will ever so easily. i built the courage up to talk comfortably with two really close friends, who made me feel as if they understood and cared; but hurt me with what i told them while continuing to allow me to open up to them, while also telling other people about what i told them behind my back, and calling me an attention seeker for being depressed.

i get it.

like you, i sense you've had trouble being heard and understood. i mean, if you're mom can't recognize you're hurt and pain and be there for you, hear you out and want to empathize with you, i mean is it safe to say that someone that hardly knows you can? do you often feel like you're a burden to someone when opening up to them about you're pain?

you've never had a person that you can feel comfortable in talking to, and the one you sort of tried talking to, pushed you away because she had her own problems which is completely understandable. it's hard to feel comfortable enough to open up to someone. it takes time. i feel like you just haven't found the proper people to truly open up to, that understand you, that WANT to understand, not feel like they have to.

for me, i won't ever be able to talk to a therapist or some sort of psychiatrist. i just feel like it's forced, i dont feel comfortable at all and knowing there just gonna tell me what I WANNA BE TOLD, and that there hearing me out because it's simply their job and responsibility just doesn't feel genuine and real to me. that's just me. so i completely understand not wanting to talk to a professional.

i just hope you find a great support system, people that you can comfortably talk to. cause it really will have so much of an impact for you. trust me, i had 2-3 people at my short-time at work that i just let everything out to, that were empaths, that understood and empathized and honestly approached me first because they sensed something was wrong; and to be finally heard, understood and to finally LET EVERYTHING OUT felt like a huge weight off my shoulders.

i hope you find people like this, you just haven't yet. and that isn't fair to you at all that you haven't found people or gotten to a point where you're comfortable enough to open up. and i really hope you give yourself the opportunity to find a great support system that allows you to this, and give yourself a chance to let everything you're feeling out, instead of letting yourself drown in the sadness you're holding inside.

it takes time to get comfortable here. i've been here more than a year and a half, and i haven't opened up at all. that's completely fine. perhaps allowing yourself to engage and interact within discussions more, dropping by in-chat; building friendships on here and what not sort of helps you feel more comfortable and allows you to find people on here that you can freely talk to.

just know you aren't alone in feeling the way you do. i hope soon comes a time where you're at a pont in time where you're comfortable enough to finally be able to let it all out.

take care.

 

[taylor321]

"my deep inability to open up about myself" that's definitely something i can relate to. I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts sense i was 11 and it hurts me to know that nobody cares about me. I hate being all alone in the world, and its not in some emo attention seeking way, i genuinely hate not having anyone who understands me, not having anyone to talk to. I had an online friend who recently committed suicide and i should've gone too. I shouldn't still be here. I'm so pissed off and angry at myself. I wanted to make a suicide pact and i thought i made that pretty clear. Now i'm on my own, YET AGAIN. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

 

[Green Destiny]

i understand having troubles with opening up.

i'm also a person who absolutely hates talking about themselves and their problems. i never have and probably never will ever so easily. i built the courage up to talk comfortably with two really close friends, who made me feel as if they understood and cared; but hurt me with what i told them while continuing to allow me to open up to them, while also telling other people about what i told them behind my back, and calling me an attention seeker for being depressed.

i get it.

like you, i sense you've had trouble being heard and understood. i mean, if you're mom can't recognize you're hurt and pain and be there for you, hear you out and want to empathize with you, i mean is it safe to say that someone that hardly knows you can? do you often feel like you're a burden to someone when opening up to them about you're pain?

you've never had a person that you can feel comfortable in talking to, and the one you sort of tried talking to, pushed you away because she had her own problems which is completely understandable. it's hard to feel comfortable enough to open up to someone. it takes time. i feel like you just haven't found the proper people to truly open up to, that understand you, that WANT to understand, not feel like they have to.

for me, i won't ever be able to talk to a therapist or some sort of psychiatrist. i just feel like it's forced, i dont feel comfortable at all and knowing there just gonna tell me what I WANNA BE TOLD, and that there hearing me out because it's simply their job and responsibility just doesn't feel genuine and real to me. that's just me. so i completely understand not wanting to talk to a professional.

i just hope you find a great support system, people that you can comfortably talk to. cause it really will have so much of an impact for you. trust me, i had 2-3 people at my short-time at work that i just let everything out to, that were empaths, that understood and empathized and honestly approached me first because they sensed something was wrong; and to be finally heard, understood and to finally LET EVERYTHING OUT felt like a huge weight off my shoulders.

i hope you find people like this, you just haven't yet. and that isn't fair to you at all that you haven't found people or gotten to a point where you're comfortable enough to open up. and i really hope you give yourself the opportunity to find a great support system that allows you to this, and give yourself a chance to let everything you're feeling out, instead of letting yourself drown in the sadness you're holding inside.

it takes time to get comfortable here. i've been here more than a year and a half, and i haven't opened up at all. that's completely fine. perhaps allowing yourself to engage and interact within discussions more, dropping by in-chat; building friendships on here and what not sort of helps you feel more comfortable and allows you to find people on here that you can freely talk to.

just know you aren't alone in feeling the way you do. i hope soon comes a time where you're at a pont in time where you're comfortable enough to finally be able to let it all out.

take care.

Thanks for the kind words.

 

[Wallace]

Hey OP, how about a journal? You can hide it and no one will ever read it. That's what I do.

 

[Green Destiny]

Hey OP, how about a journal? You can hide it and no one will ever read it. That's what I do.

I did do something like that during highschool. Maybe i'll try it again.

 

[Anon2662]

@Green Destiny i can so relate to this. When I was seeking help in the past, I had 2 people from the crisis team that I trusted and one of those especially I found it easier to talk to. But even with her, talking about anything that felt dangerous was impossible. I'd try to talk and the words literally would get stuck in my throat and I'd open my mouth and nothing would come out. I also massively distrust psychiatrists and other professionals to the point that I won't take meds because I don't trust what they'll give me. Now I've given up on help and trusting anyone but hope you can find some support and I can totally understand that seeking help especially with this virus around is especially hard at the minute. Sending you a virtual hug