Venting Too much to handle right now

[falloutcarter13]

I am so terrified right now. I have to be in court in less than 8 hours for my arraignment, and there's no possible way I'm going to be able to sleep. In theory, all I have to do tomorrow is say "Not guilty" and get my trial date. The only thing I'm waiting on to figure out when I'm going to ctb is getting this trial date. I would like at least 3 weeks to get my affairs in order and spend some last time with my family, but I feel like 6 weeks would be ideal. I don't want this to be impulsive, I know nobody's ever 100% ready to go (or maybe some lucky ones are, who knows) but i could really use the time to prepare myself for whatever comes next. So on one hand, getting my trial date is the last real, physical obstacle to being able to set my ctb date. The problem is i cant convince myself that it's going to be that simple. I have this horrible feeling I'm going to be remanded to jail to await trial. I'm out on own-recognizance bonds, due to covid and the fact that I hung myself in jail and had to be hospitalized, they let me out without me having to pay a cash bond. I can't find a clear answer if the judge can alter the OR bond to a cash bond at arraignment and remand me back to jail to await trial. Everybody is telling me that won't happen, since the crimes are non violent and not against any person or business. And they're saying because of covid, they also won't do that. Or the fact that I have a broken foot that's being treated, they won't do it. I wish I could make myself believe all of that...ive just seen judges do shit I didn't think they could/should do just because they felt like it. And this judge is a notorious hard ass, commonly giving people maximum penalties and sentences and basically showing zero mercy or compassion. I know there's no way I can convince myself to calm down, I'll just have to be miserable and sick until it's over, whichever way it goes. I just am so scared about having to try to ctb in jail again, I wouldn't have a way to even do it I don't think. I already did the best I could in jail, the distance from the top rail of the 2nd tier to the ground is 16 feet, I made a rope out of a 6 foot sheet and I'm only 5'10". So I should have achieved a drop hanging with 4 feet to spare, but somehow the sheet-rope stretched enough for me to hit the ground, I took almost the full drop on my foot (which is why it's broken) and then was partially hung. I went unconscious very quickly and was hanging for almost 3 minutes before the guards realized it and cut me down, and the paramedics were called and able to fully revive me. I was released from jail on an OR bond to go to the hospital for medical and psych treatment, they held me in psych for two weeks before letting me go. I'm just so scared that because of the circumstances, the judge will revoke the bond and send me back to jail until trial and I won't get a chance to die the way I want to, after spending time with family, writing my letters, finishing my will, and taking SN. The only thing I can think of if this happens is doing partial suspension with another sheet rope in the cell so I'd have the privacy and time to succeed, but my luck I'd have some good Samaritan cellmate who wouldn't let me do it and if just end up in solitary confinement, freezing my ass off in a paper gown and no sheets or blankets and worse no way to ctb. Fuck, this is so horrible. I don't know how people deal with this. I didn't mean to commit any crimes and I'm really glad I didn't hurt anyone...i just couldn't stop self medicating with alcohol because I was hurting so bad and didn't know what I was doing when I got in my car (all three times I've done it I was in a blackout and don't remember doing it.) If I thought things were bad then...theyre nothing compared to what I'm putting myself and my family through now. I'm so embarrassed, ashamed, and feel so guilty. I'm going to stop rambling now because it does nothing but spread my own misery around to others who have to read it. If I had my SN i would just take it right now. An airplane just flew overhead pretty low and i was praying it would hit my side of the house and smush me like the piece of rat shit that i am. Thanks for giving me a place to say all of this...i don't know if it helps, but writing it at least killed 20 min before court.