Too many hits

[nextstepdeath]

I've been hit too many times in life. I can't leave the house because of the extent to which I have been hit in life. I will never stop being hit in life. I've been hit to the extent that all I can feel is hits. I'm a trembling nervous wreck because of the extent to which I have been hit. I need medication because of the extent to which I have been hit. I've lost everything because of the extent to which I have been hit. Some people will say I deserve to be hit, I brought it on myself. From 2013 onwards I tried to get through being insecure in life and with people, I tried to establish who was there for me and who wasn't, who I could be intimate with and who I couldn't. I needed to feel completely secure with people to an extent that makes it and made it hard for me to be comfortably spontaneous perhaps, but then when you don't know what your bearings are, what your ground is, when you are just insecure and am in the middle of the air you have to be sure. Since then I've tried to protect myself while getting secure and completely vulnerable all in one and out if that I get people condemning me, saying I deserve to suffer and fail, I made choices that I deserve suffering for. If you are on the edge and you don't feel secure with people and they do nothing but pressure you - you will struggle, you will snap, you will be volatile. I've tried to keep going despite no one coming through enough to support me and it's left me in a place where I can't move, I can't function, I can't keep going, I'm a trembling nervous wreck on med's and I want to kill myself to escape this life. No one can endure what I have and make a life worth living for out of it.

 

[DrinkyCrow]

Whoever tells you that you deserved that and you brought that upon yourself are the absolute scum of the earth. I'm sorry you're surrounded by people like that. Please don't believe them, no one deserves to be treated like shit throughout their whole lifes.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, and people also told me stuff like that. I really don't know how people get their weird conclusions or even just the audacity from, but it's always people with limited life experiences or really ugly characters doing it.

I just wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart.

 

[nextstepdeath]

None of this would have happened if I had been secure with people. I was in a position to be secure with people but I could never get it right and now I live in a damaged state. All I can think about now is killing myself. All I can work towards now is the perfect attempt. I'd like to die to escape, all I want to do is escape in privacy dignity as privately as I can. I just want to vanish and disappear from life, I don't want to exist.

 

[FlufflesAway]

Yea, I guess I'm in a similar position. I don't know if you can recover from child abuse. I got beaten by parents too. And I isolated myself completely from other people for way too long, that I think my brain just never developed in a normal manner (never mind the parental head-hits). If you're a student I'm going to assume I'm older: things got better for me when I left my family. I know it feels impossible, and it takes a really long time to even notice any improvements, but it does get more bearable. Try to stay safe, and just keep trying. Do your best to rekindle any relationships you might have had before, or make new ones. Self-isolation is really, really, really bad.

 

[nextstepdeath]

Yea, I guess I'm in a similar position. I don't know if you can recover from child abuse. I got beaten by parents too. And I isolated myself completely from other people for way too long, that I think my brain just never developed in a normal manner (never mind the parental head-hits). If you're a student I'm going to assume I'm older: things got better for me when I left my family. I know it feels impossible, and it takes a really long time to even notice any improvements, but it does get more bearable. Try to stay safe, and just keep trying. Do your best to rekindle any relationships you might have had before, or make new ones. Self-isolation is really, really, really bad.

Thanks. My issues are external, I had a great family life but was completely bullied externally, had experiences like people throwing bricks at me, hitting me with golf clubs as a light example. On the back of that I never really figured out who I had, who I was comfortable with and never really developed myself into the world and have become resigned to the fact I can't make it in life.