Venting (too long for thread 'think dont type')

[Life_and_Death]

(plus ive probably added enough anyway. but i think seeing my name is annoying in general, im at least trying to hide it by not making threads)

i feel like i manipulated him...i mean...i did? i purposefully said things to change his mood/mind... but they werent wrong things...i didnt lie to him... its not like its not what he wanted..hes just emotionally hurt and mentally lost.... he downloaded a dating app.. what was i suppose to do... "i cant be hurt again" "i love you please trust me".. im not wrong...its not like he gave me a reason not to. i asked what could go wrong at this point, he didnt even answer it..
i just feel like i should have kept my mouth shut and just killed myself`.. but i know thats not what he wanted...i know he wouldnt have been happy, not just with me dead but also without me (he told me)... i only did it hopefully out of his best interest.....

of course i insist that he does stuff for himself and apparently that was wrong to.... i cant even help right...i should have just killed myself...all my mental disorders it would have been better for everyone..

i shouldnt even be fighting so hard for him....he had no problem leading me on, using me. probably try to convince me to not kill myself even though hed be with someone else.. i can just see it "please still dont kill yourself" and stay alive feeling like im being crushed by a machine everyday while you fuck someone else! if you wanted me you should have fucking kept me!
hes a gamer, im not into that stuff. hes "rich" and i hate rich people..

sing it for me 3DG!!!
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU, WHY DO I LOVE YOU!!



but he doesnt judge me...he comforts me... hes (typically) there for me....despite all of the above i know that he does love me...hes made me feel worth it.. sometimes i have glimpses of loving myself....he helps me find a center for my bpd.....as wrong as it is my existence spins around him...

 

[TapeMachine]

Is he an ex of yours, or is he someone you're currently dating?

 

[Life_and_Death]

Is he an ex of yours, or is he someone you're currently dating?

both. hes a high school ex and we're just over a yr together.

 

[TapeMachine]

How long were you two broken up before getting back together?

Are you content with the relationship?

Sorry for all the questions, lol. You don't have to answer them if you don't feel up to it. :)

 

[Life_and_Death]

How long were you two broken up before getting back together?

officially 7-8yrs

Are you content with the relationship?

content in what way? yes/no
as a person? yeah, hes my other half perfectly in every way (my favorite is probably im fire and hes ice, in a fantasy setting way) hes helped with my self esteem a lot
the problem is that we both have our own situation that leaves us in a less than desirable position