Too late

[puella]

My best friend died by suicide in 2020. I look through our message history sometimes, but until today I hadn't looked at his profile details. He had his Spotify linked, with two public playlists.

I remember we had very different tastes in music. I guess my taste hasn't changed, I still don't really like the songs. But now I just wish it wasn't too late for us to share more music together.

Honestly, I never fully appreciated how good of a friend he was. He always tried to take interest in what I liked. He always helped me with my dumb projects. He told me he loved me.

I should have done better—helped, or just cared more. I knew he was depressed, but I was never actually worried. I didn't take it seriously enough. I don't even know if I could have helped, I never knew the full extent of how he felt. I never asked if he wanted to open up about all of it. I probably wouldn't have made a difference, but I feel horrible for not comforting him more. It's dumb to think about now; I'm too late.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry. Suicide is an extreme event so it is understandable if it didn't figure in the front of your mind.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm pretty sure you did what you could do at the time!!! You're a good soul! Just different tastes in music are not important. It was his decision for his personal problems. I'm sorry you have to go through this now.

 

[CantTurnBack]

I should have done better—helped, or just cared more.

I have also lost a loved one to suicide, and I too have felt a deep level of guilt. I have found myself overcompensating for this, and desperately wishing I could help anyone and everyone I can. However, everyone is not willing to accept help, and the battle for mental health never ends. We can only help ourselves, ultimately..

It's important to recognize you're not at fault, and you did care!

 

[Kit1]

To be honest, most of us who are feeling suicidal are unlikely to be totally honest about out feelings with loved ones. If I ended my life today, my family or friends would be surprised - none of them know that I am even on suicide watch and don't even know that I was admitted to hospital following an overdose - they just think I was in for a liver related issue.

So please try not blame yourself. Suicide and suicidal ideation is not easy to discuss with loved ones and people tend to be good with masking. Just glad that your best friend had you in their life..,

 

[Mayonaise]

I should have done better—helped, or just cared more. I knew he was depressed, but I was never actually worried. I didn't take it seriously enough. I don't even know if I could have helped, I never knew the full extent of how he felt. I never asked if he wanted to open up about all of it. I probably wouldn't have made a difference, but I feel horrible for not comforting him more. It's dumb to think about now; I'm too late.

You could have done better? Maybe, maybe not. We're not perfect creatures, humans make mistakes.
You can never fully understand what severe depression feels like until you experience it yourself. That's why you "didn't take it seriously enough", you just couldn't fully grasp the extent of your friend's pain. Not because you did something wrong, but because sometimes it's nearly impossible to understand what's going on in somebody else's mind unless this somebody is willing to share.
Even if he/she does, sometimes verbal communication just isn't enough to convey the range of emotions involved.
My personal experience: I have few people/friends who care but I'm not willing to share some details with them as it simply won't make me feel better.
They all told me "Hold on, if you need me I'm here for you" and I'm grateful, but at the same time I feel I must protect them from the shit going on in my head as they simply cannot help me. If I can't be helped, at least I'm not going to bother them. I'm seeking help in other ways.
Maybe your friend chose to "protect you" too.

One thing people don't understand is that sometimes there's nothing left to do: even Jordan Peterson said "sometimes people just get sick and die".
Physical illness may kill the body, mental illness kills the mind. You were not too late, it was probably too late for him.
Yes, you might have done more, but you probably wouldn't have known how to. You didn't fail your friend, you simply didn't have the means to fix him.
I'm sure your friend wouldn't want you to feel this way about him. I wouldn't want my friends to, neither.
Hope my words help you ease your mind.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I completely agree with the above two posts. There are often reasons we choose not to share our thoughts with others. I have friends who I feel would actually be sympathetic and try to help but to be honest- I couldn't bear that. I truly think there's nothing they could do to help. So- if they knew and I still went ahead with it- they may up feeling more guilt that they knew but somehow didn't do enough to stop me. I'd rather them be oblivious- that way- they wouldn't know to help- if that makes sense?

I'm sure your friend valued your friendship. They may have just been determined this was the right choice for them though. So- there very well could have been nothing you could do- even if you did know. Imagine being burdened with that secret. Not knowing whether to tell their parents. Not knowing whether you should call the police for a welfare check. Like others have said- they probably wanted to spare you all that. I'm so sorry for your loss but I guess, at least they are at peace now.