Too high self-worth to kill myself

[TheGoodGuy]

I have extremely high self-worth it would probably be classified as some form of narcissism, but despite my high self-worth I actually have extreme low confidence that could resemble a young teenager or tween.

I am extremely suicidal and for good reasons I suffer from over a dozen physical and mental problems but because I have so high self-worth and feel better than everyone else because of my 'awoken mind' and my mind won´t let me die. I see myself as a philosopher and have even written a 310 Journal about the world as I see it through my awoken mind I can´t even go for a walk without analyzing everything i.e. the asphalt on the road or sidewalks is a by product from gasoline used in cars from oil production which is mined from the carcass of the Earth and even results in deforstation as a result, the same with the steel light poles the metal is mined from the Earth creating the same devastating results and on my walk I will see houses or factories i.e. man-made structures the human species is a virus like a cancerous tumor and just like us humans who are made up of trillions of cells to create one individual so is humanity with billions of people that creates the tumor on the planet Earth.

I assume this thread will get a lot of hate since it´s not a positive trait to be a narcissist but I hope maybe just 1 person feels the same dilemma in feeling so high self-worth that they can´t kill themselves because they feel they are too important at least to me it would be comforting to know I am not alone in feeling this way.

 

[Apathy79]

They say pride comes before the fall - you might be in luck. Maybe you need to get to the point where you truly believe you have the most awoken mind on the planet first. Better still, you are the most important person that's ever lived. I'm sure you can get there. Really ramp it up to test the waters.

 

[jd123]

I have extremely high self-worth it would probably be classified as some form of narcissism, but despite my high self-worth I actually have extreme low confidence that could resemble a young teenager or tween.

I am extremely suicidal and for good reasons I suffer from over a dozen physical and mental problems but because I have so high self-worth and feel better than everyone else because of my 'awoken mind' and my mind won´t let me die. I see myself as a philosopher and have even written a 310 Journal about the world as I see it through my awoken mind I can´t even go for a walk without analyzing everything i.e. the asphalt on the road or sidewalks is a by product from gasoline used in cars from oil production which is mined from the carcass of the Earth and even results in deforstation as a result, the same with the steel light poles the metal is mined from the Earth creating the same devastating results and on my walk I will see houses or factories i.e. man-made structures the human species is a virus like a cancerous tumor and just like us humans who are made up of trillions of cells to create one individual so is humanity with billions of people that creates the tumor on the planet Earth.

I assume this thread will get a lot of hate since it´s not a positive trait to be a narcissist but I hope maybe just 1 person feels the same dilemma in feeling so high self-worth that they can´t kill themselves because they feel they are too important at least to me it would be comforting to know I am not alone in feeling this way.

It doesn't make sense and is contradicting.
You have such a "High self worth" that you want to keep living BUT you want to kill yourself. Wtf? Maybe your high self worth is looking for some high attention to show off how intellectual you want to portray yourself to be.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

They say pride comes before the fall - you might be in luck. Maybe you need to get to the point where you truly believe you have the most awoken mind on the planet first. Better still, you are the most important person that's ever lived. I'm sure you can get there. Really ramp it up to test the waters.

If it wasn´t for my physical and mental problems (mostly physical) I would most likely believe it to be true but I know that my body is inferior to others but my mind is superior to others not academically but in the world I can see the real world to use a metaphor it´s like from the movie the Matrix where I can see the code the 1´s and 0´s I see the world as it actually is which also brings me immense suffering while others are blissfully ignorant and to use a quote from the movie "ignorance is bliss" no truer words exist. I was extremely happy as a child mainly because of my blissfull ignorance about everything, I didn´t think about how the stuff we use in everyday life came from I didn´t think the hamburger from my happy meal from Mc Donalds was from cows who live in horrible conditions and get bred just to die so we can consume them.

I also had a ton of friends, no physical or mental problems and my magnificent imagination and curiousity for the world, everyone is exciting and new as a child but as you get older life gets boring it´s like having played the same game thousands of times it simply isn´t fun anymore and that is where apathy and anhedonia sets in I see my existence as a game I have completed 100% and am just stuck in existence, notice I use that word "existence" because I don´t live I simply just exist give my body sustanance, sleep and everything essential to staying "alive" but I simple isn´t.

 

[jd123]

It doesn't make sense and is contradicting.
You have such a "High self worth" that you want to keep living BUT you want to kill yourself. Wtf? Maybe your high self worth is looking for some high attention to show off how intellectual you want to portray yourself to be.

I think your on the wrong website.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Maybe your high self worth is looking for some high attention to show off how intellectual you want to portray yourself to be.

This is exactly what I think myself and I feel I have to achieve that somehow to feel ready to die.

 

[itsamadworld]

All of us are narcissists - we just fall on the scale differently- some more, some less. Most people see humanity as the greatest species ever. This is why collectively humans slaughter animals inmass daily. I read a statistic that everyday around the world, more than 200 billion animals are killed. I think the most narcissitic ones are the human- breeders, but that's my opinion, and I think that I am right probably because I'm a Narcissistic C-nt !! :D

 

[5:45AM]

I don't want to be rude but you really are not nearly the first person to notice these things or come up with these ideas, you could pull aside anybody in a vegan cafe and have a chat about the horrors of factory farming and the legal animal cruelty that goes on in the "civilized world", or go to an environmentalist protest and every single person could tell you these same things. Men have compared their race to a virus for thousands of years, your "superior mind" and viewing of the masses as ignorant sheep reminds me of a philosophy 101 student learning about the injustice in the world, raising up his hands screaming "Where are the torches and pitchforks?". Most people are powerless in the face of global capitalism and too exhausted from the constant barrage of information about it, and just want to enjoy what good things they can have.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

All of us are narcissists - we just fall on the scale differently- some more, some less. Most people see humanity as the greatest species ever. This is why collectively humans slaughter animals inmass daily. I read a statistic that everyday around the world, more than 200 billion animals are killed. I think the most narcissitic ones are the human- breeders, but that's my opinion, and I think that I am right probably because I'm a narcissistic c-nt!! :D

I read that too about how many animals get slaugtered and I agree with the rest too that is why I hate humans as a species we have made a Utopia for US!!! People preach about animal welthfare e.g for cows, chickens, pigs etc. but in reality they are just a commodity and people don´t really care unless it affects humans which they can relate to more, what is happening to the animals we eat like the aformentioned ones is a holocaust the only way to explain it to the sheeps of society so they have a slim chance of understanding it would be if a superior species enslaved humans, artifically impregnated women to produce offspring that these aliens/superior species could eat, that is literally us we are just in the highest rank of nature so humans feel they can treat animals as they please and destroy entire forests or jungles to get "resources" and also to make room for even more humans by building homes, the humans species is disgusting and I am ashamed of being a part of it especially by consuming and using the very products I mentioned.

I don't want to be rude but you really are not nearly the first person to notice these things or come up with these ideas, you could pull aside anybody in a vegan cafe and have a chat about the horrors of factory farming and the legal animal cruelty that goes on in the "civilized world", or go to an environmentalist protest and every single person could tell you these same things. Men have compared their race to a virus for thousands of years, your "superior mind" and viewing of the masses as ignorant sheep reminds me of a philosophy 101 student learning about the injustice in the world, raising up his hands screaming "Where are the torches and pitchforks?". Most people are powerless in the face of global capitalism and too exhausted from the constant barrage of information about it, and just want to enjoy what good things they can have.

I know most people know these things but they put it back in their mind and don´t REALLY think about it they can take a walk and enjoy it but I can´t always enjoy it because I know the world I am looking at is build of the suffering of animals and the planet itself and "normal" people i.e. the sheep don´t think or care about that they just go do their every day mundane task and live in blissfull ignorance and as with many great philosophers they get their ideas/revelations from past philosophers.

 

[RedDEE]

I used to feel a high sense of self worth, because my intelligence allowed me to analyze things deeply. I thought I was better than other people, I thought "look at these sheep, going through their day blissfully unaware of the world around them."

Then I realized that my mind's intellect and ability to analyze actually stands in the way of true wisdom. I realized that analyzing things is only mental masturbation used to stroke my ego. I can look at asphalt, and think about how it was made by oil and oil came from dead dinosaur's bones that were under pressure underground for millions of years and yada yada, but, to be quite frank, who gives a fuck?

True wisdom is being one with the moment. To BE and DO, without analyzing every little thing. When I walk on asphalt, I want to just walk without thinking about the origin and history of asphalt, because for one, if I am thinking about a thousand of irrelevant things I might not notice that dog shit on the ground and step on it because I was caught up in my thoughts and not living in the moment.

I'm like you, I analyze everything too, without even trying. But the difference is I'm not proud of it, and I now try not to. Being caught up in your own mind all the time sucks. I hate it when I'm having a conversation with someone and I am analyzing every little detail, like eye contact (ok looking into their eye's too much, look away now. ok better look back in their eyes now, ok let's look to the left). I hate my analyzing mind, it tortures me, I want to kill it. It does the opposite of making me want to live.

 

[FreedomInDeath]

I agree OP I have had all of the thoughts you have had and then I think about how artificial intelligence is going to be the next savior of the earth etc. I do not think aliens who eat humans would keep women to impregnate though they would just grow them from our tissue so they would not have to caretake us, like how humans are trying to grow lab meat now. I guess being a philosopher doesn't make you special it just makes you a critical thinker. What is special is figuring out genuine solutions to problems.

 

[PhilosOfDoom]

It's a means to an end, in this case, that is your high pride. An increase or high self-esteem/worth has been shown to decrease suicidal risk by 2. some decimal. Whether or not it's intellectually justified, is debatable. A lot of what you've noted is observational skills, which some people are much more efficient at. However, the concept of a superior human being is awfully shaky and subjective, how do you define the criterion and/or standards? Perhaps you do have a superior mind, maybe not. If it doesn't border or cross infatuation with yourself, or doesn't reach the point in which you deflect any constructive criticism, it shouldn't be something that you want to fix. At least not make it a high priority. If thinking you're a god to the earth - not saying you do - keeps you alive, and doesn't influence other peoples' relationships with you, then it shouldn't be a worry. Why fix what isn't broken?

 

[5:45AM]

I know most people know these things but they put it back in their mind and don´t REALLY think about it they can take a walk and enjoy it but I can´t always enjoy it because I know the world I am looking at is build of the suffering of animals and the planet itself and "normal" people i.e. the sheep don´t think or care about that they just go do their every day mundane task and live in blissfull ignorance and as with many great philosophers they get their ideas/revelations from past philosophers.

I must agree with RedDEE here in that overanalysis is a pointless endeavor. You may see someone on the street going about their life looking down at their phone, how are you any different from them? You both grapple with the problems of the world, they do it in a self-interested practical manner and you do it in a head-in-the-clouds detached manner. From what stems the self worth then? Neither of you are contributing anything meaningful to change the world, but they seem to be happier for it.

Also I dunno what you mean about great philosophers? All of the ideas you've discussed have been explored thoroughly by past philosophers.

It seems to me like you have a lot of cognitive dissonance in these conflicting feelings of self worth and hatred. Resolving it may bring you a great deal of peace, be it finding reasons to hold onto life, or CTB. Misanthropy is a logical viewpoint but one that I don't find is steeped in rationality and empathy. You seem smart and passionate about it, studying the works of past philosophers may help you a lot.

 

[jd123]

This is exactly what I think myself and I feel I have to achieve that somehow to feel ready to die.

Hopefully you'll figure things out. Good luck.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I used to feel a high sense of self worth, because my intelligence allowed me to analyze things deeply. I thought I was better than other people, I thought "look at these sheep, going through their day blissfully unaware of the world around them."

Then I realized that my mind's intellect and ability to analyze actually stands in the way of true wisdom. I realized that analyzing things is only mental masturbation used to stroke my ego. I can look at asphalt, and think about how it was made by oil and oil came from dead dinosaur's bones that were under pressure underground for millions of years and yada yada, but, to be quite frank, who gives a fuck?

True wisdom is being one with the moment. To BE and DO, without analyzing every little thing. When I walk on asphalt, I want to just walk without thinking about the origin and history of asphalt, because for one, if I am thinking about a thousand of irrelevant things I might not notice that dog shit on the ground and step on it because I was caught up in my thoughts and not living in the moment.

I'm like you, I analyze everything too, without even trying. But the difference is I'm not proud of it, and I now try not to. Being caught up in your own mind all the time sucks. I hate it when I'm having a conversation with someone and I am analyzing every little detail, like eye contact (ok looking into their eye's too much, look away now. ok better look back in their eyes now, ok let's look to the left). I hate my analyzing mind, it tortures me, I want to kill it. It does the opposite of making me want to live.

Sounds a lot like me but how do I get rid of these thoughts? Now I am on benzodiazepines and drinking alcohol several times a weak and it helps supress my racing thoughts but how do I get rid of these thoughts without drugs?

It's a means to an end, in this case, that is your high pride. An increase or high self-esteem/worth has been shown to decrease suicidal risk by 2. some decimal. Whether or not it's intellectually justified, is debatable. A lot of what you've noted is observational skills, which some people are much more efficient at. However, the concept of a superior human being is awfully shaky and subjective, how do you define the criterion and/or standards? Perhaps you do have a superior mind, maybe not. If it doesn't border or cross infatuation with yourself, or doesn't reach the point in which you deflect any constructive criticism, it shouldn't be something that you want to fix. At least not make it a high priority. If thinking you're a god to the earth - not saying you do - keeps you alive, and doesn't influence other peoples' relationships with you, then it shouldn't be a worry. Why fix what isn't broken?

But it is broken every other person don´t think about this stuff or at least do not care I want to be blissfully ignorant like when I was a child I even have self diagnosed myself with Peter Pan Syndrome I want to be a child so badly you can´t believe, ignorance is truly bliss even know when I made this post I was drunk and even benzos and alcohol can´t quiet my mind completely even though it helps a little as I mentioned I have written a 310 journal about my thoughts but that was before I tried benzos or used alcohol so at least I don´t write anymore to get these thoughts of my chest but as seen in this thread they are still there I can´t help but enlighten other people of my superior thoughts of the reality of the world I fucking hate it..

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Okay, so you have high self worth, that's been thoroughly covered. Now what about the low self-confidence -- how does that present, and how does it impact your relationships with others? Does it make you abusive?

 

[Sensei]

OP, narcissism has both pros and cons. It makes you suffer when reality comes crashing in, but I'd like to claim that it potentially also can help you achieve success. I bet most successful people in the world are narcissists. To take an exemple, think of all world-famous musicians. Most of us would probably reason, "I'm not good enough and no label would want to sign me," but some people simply reason, "I'm very talented and of course different labels will want to sign me." To one degree or another, successful people seem to overestimate themselves and underestimate difficulties and that's how they achieve success.

As for the analytical skills you say that you possess, put them to use. If you can find a way to utilise them and bury yourself in work, your life will most probably become easier to bear.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Okay, so you have high self worth, that's been thoroughly covered. Now what about the low self-confidence -- how does that present, and how does it impact your relationships with others? Does it make you abusive?

My low self confidence makes me like a tween or a child stuff like going to the movies, to the mall through public transportation is so stressing even back when I had a car it gave me such anxiety, when I was a child I would go to the movies with my parents or 11 year old sister I specificly remember watching some Harry Potter films in the cinema with my 11 year older big sister so the stress of getting from point A to B was out of the equation.

Also because of my many physical problems e.g. psoriasis, other skin problems, aspergers small wrists (13.5cm) etc. I have experienced a lot of problems also with girls because I small guy like me is not "man" enough for them several had even said I was "too small" but the low self-esteem isn´t all girl related it´s also the fact that I have the body of a teenager so I feel emasculated by other men I suppose I am drunk right now so I don´t know if any of this makes much sense.

OP, narcissism has both pros and cons. It makes you suffer when reality comes crashing in, but I'd like to claim that it potentially also can help you achieve success. I bet most successful people in the world are narcissists. To take an exemple, think of all world-famous musicians. Most of us would probably reason, "I'm not good enough and no label would want to sign me," but some people simply reason, "I'm very talented and of course different labels will want to sign me." To one degree or another, successful people seem to overestimate themselves and underestimate difficulties and that's how they achieve success.

As for the analytical skills you say that you possess, put them to use. If you can find a way to utilise them and bury yourself in work, your life will most probably become easier to bear.

But there are different kinds of narcissism and because of my physical problems I can´t achieve success; one of my biggest passions as a late teenager was bodybuilding but I got a back injurty in the middle of my spine so I can never workout again not even run for 5 minutes without my back hurts.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

My low self confidence makes me like a tween or a child stuff like going to the movies, to the mall through public transportation is so stressing even back when I had a car it gave me such anxiety, when I was a child I would go to the movies with my parents or 11 year old sister I specificly remember watching some Harry Potter films in the cinema with my 11 year older big sister so the stress of getting from point A to B was out of the equation.

...I am drunk right now so I don´t know if any of this makes much sense.

Now I know why that first paragraph didn't make sense.

Dude, practice drunk reading, not drunk posting! Seriously though, I look forward to perhaps getting a new response to my questions when you're sober. :)

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Now I know why that first paragraph didn't make sense.

Dude, practice drunk reading, not drunk posting! Seriously though, I look forward to perhaps getting a new response to my questions when you're sober. :)

I didn´t make the thread while drunk and even now I feel like I have only had a few beers, my threads are always well thought out and articulated.

 

[Thebuddhacel]

Hey @TheGoodGuy good to see another sufferer here.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I didn´t make the thread while drunk and even now I feel like I have only had a few beers, my threads are always well thought out and articulated.

The thread is fine. The first paragraph of the comment didn't make sense, and at the end of the comment you said, I am drunk right now so I don´t know if any of this makes much sense.

I'm interested in the conversation. But hey, the thread is about you, not me. I'm not invested. If you want to say one thing and then argue something different, there's no reason for me to continue to engage, because that's a narc move that likely answers my question about whether your self-confidence issues make you abusive to others. If that's something you recognize about yourself and are motivated to change, I can offer some resources if you like.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

The thread is fine. The first paragraph of the comment didn't make sense, and at the end of the comment you said, I am drunk right now so I don´t know if any of this makes much sense.

I'm interested in the conversation. But hey, the thread is about you, not me. I'm not invested. If you want to say one thing and then argue something different, there's no reason for me to continue to engage, because that's a narc move that likely answers my question about whether your self-confidence issues make you abusive to others. If that's something you recognize about yourself and are motivated to change, I can offer some resources if you like.

Several philosophers used drugs to cope with their genious I can´t remember who and am too lazy to google search it but I remember one who used cocaine and before I used alcohol and benzos my thoughts were racing wild allowing me to create my 310 page Journal.

 

[qwerty_in_me]

go get buli - that'll drop ya self worth real quick!

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Several philosophers used drugs to cope with their genious I can´t remember who and am too lazy to google search it but I remember one who used cocaine and before I used alcohol and benzos my thoughts were racing wild allowing me to create my 310 page Journal.

So...you admit you may have been unclear due to alcohol consumption...and when it's verified, you claim that it was well thought out and articulated...and when that claim is not accepted, you rationalize that the alcohol consumption is further evidence of your genius...rather than clarify what the alcohol consumption made unclear.

I cannot compete with your intellect.

Buh-bye, thread.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

So...you admit you may have been unclear due to alcohol consumption...and when it's verified, you claim that it was well thought out and articulated...and when that claim is not accepted, you rationalize that the alcohol consumption is further evidence of your genius...rather than clarify what the alcohol consumption made unclear.

I cannot compete with your intellect.

Buh-bye, thread.

What are you even talking about I made it clear that my 310 page journal was made while being sober and this thread too.

The only time I have been on benzos or alcohol was while responding to this thread does that make this thread less true? I don´t think so it all depents on tolerance, of you got a low tolerance to these drugs it MIGHT affects your thinking but if you got a high tolerance it doesn´t affect you much if any at all.

 

[I’mDone]

I have extremely high self-worth it would probably be classified as some form of narcissism, but despite my high self-worth I actually have extreme low confidence that could resemble a young teenager or tween.

I am extremely suicidal and for good reasons I suffer from over a dozen physical and mental problems but because I have so high self-worth and feel better than everyone else because of my 'awoken mind' and my mind won´t let me die. I see myself as a philosopher and have even written a 310 Journal about the world as I see it through my awoken mind I can´t even go for a walk without analyzing everything i.e. the asphalt on the road or sidewalks is a by product from gasoline used in cars from oil production which is mined from the carcass of the Earth and even results in deforstation as a result, the same with the steel light poles the metal is mined from the Earth creating the same devastating results and on my walk I will see houses or factories i.e. man-made structures the human species is a virus like a cancerous tumor and just like us humans who are made up of trillions of cells to create one individual so is humanity with billions of people that creates the tumor on the planet Earth.

I assume this thread will get a lot of hate since it´s not a positive trait to be a narcissist but I hope maybe just 1 person feels the same dilemma in feeling so high self-worth that they can´t kill themselves because they feel they are too important at least to me it would be comforting to know I am not alone in feeling this way.

No hate from me but a question - what is it about yourself that gives you such high self-esteem?

 

[TheGoodGuy]

No hate from me but a question - what is it about yourself that gives you such high self-esteem?

Like I already said seeing the world at it actually are.

 

[Poptart]

Like I already said seeing the world at it actually are.

I see you have aspergers, have you been diagnosed with anything else? Some of what youve been saying sounds more grandiose than narcissistic.

For example, when I was manic I suffered from delusions of grandeur. I was convinced I was god and other people were moving mannequins.

Do you have any history of bipolar/schizo type illness?

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I see you have aspergers, have you been diagnosed with anything else? Some of what youve been saying sounds more grandiose than narcissistic.

For example, when I was manic I suffered from delusions of grandeur. I was convinced I was god and other people were moving mannequins.

Do you have any history of bipolar/schizo type illness?

No I have not been diagnosed with any other disorders and don´t think I am God just more enlightened than every other people, everyone else are sheep in this world who are not seeing the truth of reality.