Story Too fat to live

[Sicsadsupergirl]

I need to vent and speak my mind, I can't talk to anyone. Funnily enough I do have friends who understand suicidality, but I can't tell them why I am suicidal and want to die, because it is too fucking embarrassing. I've been depressed and anxious since I was a pre-teen and after more than a decade of that, it finally got bad enough that I went to hospital, was diagnosed and got help. I was always pretty and thin. Then my medication gave me binging urges and I've gotten so fat, almost tripled my weight, that now I am too fat for any doctor to take me seriously. I tried to talk with my psychiatrist about medication change, but he said I should instead lie to my employer and tell them I had physical therapy every morning, and in reality go to the gym for 2 hours and be late to work so I could lose weight. He said once people on the street started to find me attractive again, I'd be happier. My partner hasn't touched me for 4 years since I got fat, but also doesn't break up with me because that would make him a shallow asshole, and I don't break up with him because I desperately love him. I am too ashamed to see people because I am just grotesque and horrible. It was quite the life lesson that once I got help with my depression and got better, a year later I was just as bad because I realized love is conditional, and no human loves me unconditionally. The condition is being thin and I am not. With every pound I gained a lost a piece of love and now I got so big that none of it is left. The only fucking person who never cared about my weight is my dog. How fucking ridiculous. And the thing is, I find other fat people attractive. I am fully behind fat-positivity, but I am too hurt by other peoples' reaction to my body changes. They also all forget that I have a fucking PhD, am successful in my job and a kind and caring person, who is extremely disciplined. Do they really think I am too lazy to lose weight? I am angry and I am sad and I have lost all hope. I am now so fat that only weight-loss surgery and following skin reduction could save me, and the statistics show even that is too often no long-term solution. I saw a picture of myself earlier today and I just can't go on anymore. I cannot live in this world anymore, in which I am harassed on the street for my body size, where I go to the doctor for help and all they tell me is to lose weight, in which the people I thought loved me only do so fully when I am thin. I have fucking had it. I wish I could learn to love my body, and believe you me, I tried. I went to fat-positive therapy for a fucking year, 48 sessions, paid by no insurance, and 2 weeks after I stop I am back at hating myself so much that I cannot stand it. I am writing my letters, because I know people will need an explanation. I don't have anything of value so don't need a will. My parents and partner know I don't want extraordinary measures. I just have to find a way to do it. To get over the anxiety. Because unfortunately, I am terrified of benzos etc so not sure what I could take beforehand to calm me down. I hate this world so much. I wish things could have been different. I wish I could go back and say No to the meds because even being thin and depressed AF was better than this fresh hell. In which I will no doubt get comments on this post to just lose weight. If you find it in you to not tell me to lose weight, please don't. I just needed a place to say how miserable and horrible I am for gaining weight, the biggest fucking crime you can commit in this life.

 

[Makko]

It's true that appearance is very important.

Why not try the surgery? As you say there are no guarantees, but it could help.

 

[goat]

Can't blame you for being sad and angry.
Imagine people preferring you slim and sick with depression (that can eventually lead to suicide) than heavier and feeling better. That should be a Twilight Zone episode not real life.
It's just like starting treating cancer patients differently cause they lost their hair to chemo. And this is not an exaggeration.
You're sick, you need medicine in order to keep living, if this affects your outside but keeps you alive and well that's great news. Period.

Fucking hypocrite people.

You're definitely not the problem and hell no I'll not comment you to lose weight, your weight is not the problem.
Problem is depression

And the assholes
Definitely the assholes

Remember that, if people are nasty to you, THEY are nasty, not YOU.

 

[Makko]

Remember that, if people are nasty to you, THEY are nasty, not YOU.

While this is true, it's not always a practical attitude. Sometimes humoring the nasty people is the least self-destructive option.

 

[goat]

While this is true, it's not always a practical attitude. Sometimes humoring the nasty people is the least self-destructive option.

Obviously you can humor the nasty people, you can take it as lighthearted as you can, you can do as you please to deal with it, but it doesn't exclud the fact that their attitude is their problem, not you :)

 

[logan]

If you are taking certain medications, it is almost impossible to lose weight.
The only option you have is to accept yourself as you are.

 

[Busticket]

At least you have a phd and a boyfriend.
I am 29 male and I have no degree and no gf.

 

[whywere]

HI! Well where does one start? 1st off YOU are a very valuable and kind and loving person. If one reads your post, one can tell that you are a sensitive and caring person who thinks of other people. 2nd, I agree with @goat that depression might be a problem. I always tell people who are nasty and/or judgmental to me that: "easy to judge, hard to understand". you are a global family member that has so much to offer yourself, all of us here and humanity. We are all 1 here and when a global family member is hurting or having a tough go of it so am I and I truly want you to know that I send you a lot of hugs, love, and SUPPORT. My wish for you this upcoming week is to have a week filled with beautiful azure skies and the knowledge that you are loved and cared for here. Walter

 

[persimmontea]

I am fully behind fat-positivity, but I am too hurt by other peoples' reaction to my body changes.

This! I am morbidly obese myself and fully supportive of the fat positive movement too. Having a positive mindset and attitude can help with self acceptance but it really goes to show that you can only go so far with being happy with yourself, and in order to be truly happy, others have to think the same way as well. This isn't policing others and controlling the way they think, can you ever be truly happy if people exist out there think you're worthless, unattractive, or are subhuman because of your weight. People expect you to do all of the legwork when love and acceptance from others is often the single missing puzzle piece.

Then my medication gave me binging urges and I've gotten so fat, almost tripled my weight, that now I am too fat for any doctor to take me seriously.

Convincing a doctor you need help beyond weight loss can be like talking to a brick wall... its the worst feeling in the world. Have you tried looking into HAES doctors?

 

[WornOutLife]

Don't worry. I know how pointless telling you something like "you just gotta lose weight" would be because the same happened (and could probably happen again) to me.

Depression can affect us in different ways.
For instance, some people lose lots of weight when they're depressed, and some others, like me, get really fat.

I was a mess for almost 3 years and gained around 70 pounds.
Opening my wardrobe and having no clothes which fit me made me cry and want to ctb sooo badly...

Then, there was a point in which I just stopped caring but when I had to go out it was HELL!!!
There were family reunions in which I was forced to be after my failed attempt and I just got more depressed.

Now, I've been "free" for 6 months and somehow things got better. Losing weight is not my goal but I'm working and studying so much that I'm eating less (except on weekend lol) and it seems that that has made me lose weight for some reason.

Sure, the goddamn meds make everything harder but if we don't take them, we'll probably be worse.

Thus, my advice for you is to try to enjoy life with hobbies and other stuff and losing weight might start happening unconsciously and if it doesn't, who cares? I know lots of happy fat people.

I'll ctb before my 40s but it won't be because of my overweight. I just find this universe and life pointless.

Whatever happens, wish you lots of love and peace!!!

Hugs,

Matt

 

[NormaJeane]

When people did not have much food, all humans were slender, but now when we have a lot of food in most countries our weight depends a lot on our genes. After 30 years of age the energy needs of the body reduces with 5 percent per decade - so people who are overweight when they are young will experience even worse weight problems when they get older. To lose weight, people have to eat and drink fewer calories than they consume.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot. It is really hard to carry on through life when you cannot accept yourself. It is understandable how you feel as unfortunately others do judge us on appearance and this can affect our self esteem. I wish you well.

 

[Sicsadsupergirl]

Thank you all so much for your kind replies and for understanding. This means the world, it truly does. Sorry I don't have the energy to reply to everyone individually right now, but know that your words made a big difference. Thank you <3