Tonight is the night

[DuplicateFeline]

I'm going to CTB tonight. I'm going to attempt what I have known as partial hanging.

It sounds weird, but I'm going to make myself comfortable in the closet that I slept in in when my ex of 13 years was being particularly awful. It was great for my back and I liked being surrounded by blankets that I had crocheted. I am not leaving a note, but I may leave the number for the Loose Ends project in case they want someone to finish the projects that I couldn't.

I am staying up very late so I get to talk to my dad one more time before he goes to work. But otherwise I am taking a large amount of gabapentin that my ex left behind when she left me so I don't worry about what's going to happen to me. I'll couple that with a decent amount of alcohol and my usual meds that make me sleepy. I think after that I'll be sedated enough to just lean into it.

So I guess this is goodbye. You are a wonderful bunch of people and although I mostly lurked, I really enjoyed reading what you all had to say.

I like when people keep the community updated on how they're doing up until the very end so I'll be posting up until I'm gone.


Update: Dad is awake and downstairs and I don't have an excuse to go down there and make conversation. I guess I don't get to have my last talk with him. Maybe it's for the best though. He's difficult to talk to...

Also I got bored waiting for the gaba and alcohol to kick in so I made a profile pic thing. Now the D is fancy

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry that life brought you to this point. Good luck! I Hope you find peace!

 

[null_blank]

Safe travels c:

 

[heavyeyes]

Goodbye. May you find peace

 

[samusaranvie]

Fuck. This feels weird, knowing you might be ctb soon and I get the honor of maybe having you read something I wrote before you go. I don't know if this is frowned upon in the community but I want to share something with you I found earlier today. I'm planning on CTB soon via the golden gate bridge so it hit me particularly hard. Idk, I'm not trying to deter you but reading this made me emotional earlier, and I just thought I'd share it.

 

[DuplicateFeline]

Fuck. This feels weird, knowing you might be ctb soon and I get the honor of maybe having you read something I wrote before you go. I don't know if this is frowned upon in the community but I want to share something with you I found earlier today. I'm planning on CTB soon via the golden gate bridge so it hit me particularly hard. Idk, I'm not trying to deter you but reading this made me emotional earlier, and I just thought I'd share it.

Ending my life is a permanent solution to a permanent problem. I have multiple illnesses that would have plagued me for the rest of my life. I'm only 29 and I take more pills than my mom's ex boyfriend, who was about 70 years old. I've seen everywhere I want to see. I have tasted everything I want to taste.

See, I'm an agoraphobe with an extremely limited diet. I can't eat beef or pork or anything with high levels of sorbitol, especially apples. We're in the season where apples are extremely common and my dad always brings home the BEST apple cider and of COURSE I drink it because it's very, VERY good, and then I spend a day camped out in the bathroom because wtf was I thinking? I haven't even touched on my extreme stress induced nausea. I have learned over the last 10 years that there are all types of stress! Like there was this one Spiderman movie (Spiderverse or something...? Can't remember the name atm) that was so good that I threw up. When I got my sweet perfect kitty, I spent three days camped out in the bathroom and used a months worth of my antiemetics. I'm just so DONE with all that. So please understand, this is not really an emotional thing. I just don't want to live another 30+ years this way.

 

[null_blank]

Ending my life is a permanent solution to a permanent problem. I have multiple illnesses that would have plagued me for the rest of my life. I'm only 29 and I take more pills than my mom's ex boyfriend, who was about 70 years old. I've seen everywhere I want to see. I have tasted everything I want to taste.

See, I'm an agoraphobe with an extremely limited diet. I can't eat beef or pork or anything with high levels of sorbitol, especially apples. We're in the season where apples are extremely common and my dad always brings home the BEST apple cider and of COURSE I drink it because it's very, VERY good, and then I spend a day camped out in the bathroom because wtf was I thinking? I haven't even touched on my extreme stress induced nausea. I have learned over the last 10 years that there are all types of stress! Like there was this one Spiderman movie (Spiderverse or something...? Can't remember the name atm) that was so good that I threw up. When I got my sweet perfect kitty, I spent three days camped out in the bathroom and used a months worth of my antiemetics. I'm just so DONE with all that. So please understand, this is not really an emotional thing. I just don't want to live another 30+ years this way.

Thank you for sharing that. That's really heavy.

 

[DuplicateFeline]

Alright, The gabapentin has definitely kicked in. I'm no longer nervous about ending it, but I should probably drink more so my inhibitions are lowered, then take my usual meds. I take seroquel and lamictal at night but I don't remember which one makes me sleepy so I'll probably just take a double dose of both. I feel like the more sedated I am, the less I'll fight when I decide it's Time

 

[complex]

Alright, The gabapentin has definitely kicked in. I'm no longer nervous about ending it, but I should probably drink more so my inhibitions are lowered, then take my usual meds. I take seroquel and lamictal at night but I don't remember which one makes me sleepy so I'll probably just take a double dose of both. I feel like the more sedated I am, the less I'll fight when I decide it's Time

Am here for u and listening xxxxxx never spoke before but i hope being here as a human suffered of pain i can be enough to offer u something at this time

 

[DuplicateFeline]

Moved all my stuff downstairs to the closet I want to CTB in. My cat is so confused and I feel so bad for her. She sleeps with me every night. I started sleeping on my back even though I snore very badly just because she likes to settle between my legs. It's awful that she loves me so much because I have stressed induced nausea and bringing her home was very stressful, but we kept her in the bathroom so she could acclimate slowly, except I was ALSO in the bathroom trying not to puke for three days. So now we're best friends. She wants to be where I am ALWAYS. I think she'll be okay when I'm gone because she also really likes my dad (Not as much as me but he'll do) but it still hurts me a little to leave her behind. Maybe I'll see her again when she crosses the Rainbow Bridge though....

EDIT: Definitely the alcohol is kicking in. Now I have gaba and vodka on my side, so the end in near. Idk if I should leave a note for my family or not tbh. I could pass out drunk like I do sometimes and freak my family out with a short note about me being dead when I'm just an alcoholic or leave my family with nothing and be dead. Like. They don't even know my boyfriend's number. They don't even know my boyfriend and I are dating. I probably should have thought this through more but like, oops
Very tired. Gaba and alcohoal are doing their job. Taking meds now.

 

[nir]

Moved all my stuff downstairs to the closet I want to CTB in. My cat is so confused and I feel so bad for her. She sleeps with me every night. I started sleeping on my back even though I snore very badly just because she likes to settle between my legs. It's awful that she loves me so much because I have stressed induced nausea and bringing her home was very stressful, but we kept her in the bathroom so she could acclimate slowly, except I was ALSO in the bathroom trying not to puke for three days. So now we're best friends. She wants to be where I am ALWAYS. I think she'll be okay when I'm gone because she also really likes my dad (Not as much as me but he'll do) but it still hurts me a little to leave her behind. Maybe I'll see her again when she crosses the Rainbow Bridge though....

EDIT: Definitely the alcohol is kicking in. Now I have gaba and vodka on my side, so the end in near. Idk if I should leave a note for my family or not tbh. I could pass out drunk like I do sometimes and freak my family out with a short note about me being dead when I'm just an alcoholic or leave my family with nothing and be dead. Like. They don't even know my boyfriend's number. They don't even know my boyfriend and I are dating. I probably should have thought this through more but like, oops
Very tired. Gaba and alcohoal are doing their job. Taking meds now.

when in doubt, leave a note. Especially one that might prevent them from seeing you hanging (i.e. telling them to call emergency services and not to open the closet themselves)

and remember, if you can't do this today, don't feel bad if you come back here. there is no judgement if it's not your time.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best.

 

[imdonewithallofthis]

That's exactly what I'm going to do. Lock my door and leave note on my door to not come in and to call 911. I'll probably also barricade it in case they still try. I don't want my family to see me in that state. Hopefully they listen

 

[maniac116]

 

[Wolf Girl]

I hope you found what you sought.

 

[hadenoughscotland]

What knot are using, this my problem. To the çbt*er I hope u find peace friend