muffin222

muffin222

Enlightened
Mar 31, 2020
1,188
Hi everyone. After 13 years of suicidal thoughts and almost a year of serious contemplation, I've decided to end my life tonight using SN.



I know the site is fairly quiet at night, so I don't expect a ton of traction in this thread tonight. But, I wanted to leave a proper goodbye. This will be a long post, just a warning in case you don't wanna read it all :heart::hug:


I've wavered back and forth about posting a goodbye thread, but I've decided to go ahead and do so because this site has carried me through many agonizing nights. You all have made me feel less alone, despite how little I've interacted with other here members on a personal level. I'm just very shy and socially awkward.



I feel calm and even a little excited at the thought of no longer existing. However, I also feel hungry as fuck due to the fasting :)) :eh:



But, the hunger is a miniscule price to pay for freedom from my pain.



I've grown tired of the struggle, of the rollercoaster, of the endless highs and lows, of waking up feeling good and then without warning being triggered back into suicidal despair. It's been a consistent cycle for so long that I see no reason to believe that it will suddenly change. I've tried recovery 3 times in the past year, and the road just leads me right back to suffering again and again. I feel like I'm just spinning around in circles at this point.

I'm autistic, suffer from complex PTSD due to childhood trauma, and grapple with depression on a daily basis. Even one of those ailments is enough to take a person down; all 3 co-existing is nightmarish.



I believe in life plans and reincarnation. My life, as it is, is not wrong, per se. Viewed from a higher cosmic perspective, all is as it should be in my life at this time.


Even from a purely scientific point of view, my reactions, actions, and degree of mental/emotional suffering align with the reality of autism, of repeated traumas, of my natural inborn temperament, and of early childhood abuse. Viewed in this light, my life is as it should be, as one would expect it to be given the turmoil of my dysfunctional upbringing, interwoven with the confusion and loneliness inherent in navigating this neurotypical world as an Aspie.


My life is not wrong; I am simply too tired to bear the anguish and sorrow that living as myself entails longer. I know I'm not weak- I've just had to be strong for far too long, and that tiring road has weakened my spirit.


I don't begrudge anyone for my current state of being, not even my abusive parents. This is just what it is. It makes sense that I feel as I do, given my history and my genetic make up.


I simply cannot walk another step of my path without succumbing to the pain. I'm tired. I've experienced a fascinating run on Earth despite my problems. I traversed many paths, travelled to many countries where I intermingled with unique and complex souls from all walks and shades of life, and shared beautiful moments in magnificent places, before the walls came crashing down around me.


I regret nothing, only that I cannot muster the inner strength, conviction, or courage to press onwards any longer. I'm sorry to the people I will hurt with my actions. Though I'm very broken inside, I do know that I am loved. The worst part of this is knowing how much hurt I'll be leaving in my wake for the people who love me.


I've always been an ambitious girl, a go-getter, a dreamer- idealistic, really. I disregard the damage and the limitations it imposes. I push forward anyway, brimming with a stubborn, naive hope, determined to reach the mountaintop at last THIS time around, my illnesses be damned.



I press ahead every time, only to be slammed head first into the invisible walls of my psychological, emotional, and mental damage again. Each sobering encounter with my painful reality weakens me, extinguishes another ember of my hope, dismantles my resolve, and poisons my will to fight.

Then, one fateful day, I woke up and realized I was simply too tired to fight. I didn't want to fight anymore. I just wanted the fight to be over. I just wanted it all to finally come to an end. I want it to be over.




------------------



Anyway, if you read all of that, I sincerely appreciate you! I could ramble on into eternity, as I'm very verbose by nature, but I believe I've adequately stated all I desired to say in this post. SS family, thank you. I hope you all find the pathway that leads you to the right outcome for you and your unique situation, whatever that may entail.



I love you all, even if I don't know you ❤ You are strong, and you are a fighter. I truly hope that your journey does not lead you to the same destination as mine and that the clouds begin to part for you soon to make way for brighter days and happier times. If, however, happier days fail to come, I know I will see you on other side ❤





I wanted to post my experience/symptoms after drinking the SN for educational purposes, but the idea of doing that just sounds too stressful for me. I need to go in solitude, as solitude is my soul's true nature.

I won't be taking the SN until later in the night (around 2-3 AM) since I live with family, and I'm still in the process of finishing the prerequisite fasting.

But, I'm certain I will kill myself tonight. It feels right, even though it hurts my heart to imagine the pain my death will inflict on other people. There's just no way to lessen the blow for other people. It's been a long time coming, too.







---Lastly, mods, is is possible for my name to be crossed out instead converted into "Deleted user 2439058935789"? I don't know if that's possible with the current configuration of the site, but if it is, I'd love to just be crossed out. I find the Deleted user thing kind of sad and impersonal, though I understand the purpose is to protect old users and their posts from being scoured. Thank you :)

Also, mods please don't ban me for 24 hours. I do live with other people, so I could theoretically be found, but I highly, highly doubt that will happen. If, for whatever reason, I am discovered, I will come back and update.

In the meantime, I'll be doing some last minute cleaning and decluttering, in addition to writing some notes. I might post right after I drink the SN to report how it tastes and feels, but I'm not sure.



Thank you for reading and for sharing this space with me the past year❤ I wish you well
 
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Good4Nothing

Good4Nothing

Unlovable
May 8, 2020
1,865
:aw::hug::heart:
 
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Aesop

Aesop

oxygen consumer
Dec 29, 2019
16
Will you be taking any meds?
 
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lofticries

lofticries

obedear
Feb 27, 2021
1,470
I'm gonna miss seeing your beautiful well thought out posts with that adorable avy on the side whenever I come on ss.

I'm sorry life has been harsh to you and that recovery didn't work out for you. But you are a good person and deserve happiness in the end. Pleasant and safe travels.
 
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killedbypsychiatry

killedbypsychiatry

drugging kids is abuse
Jan 27, 2021
797
Muffin, I have no words for this, I'm extremely sorry for all the things that brought you to this point. For the short time I've been here I've always enjoyed reading your posts and you sound like a really sweet, wise, strong and kind person. I'm so sorry for the suffering and pain that has been inflicted on you. I respect your decision if your sure about it, and I wish you so much peace in your journey :heart:
 
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W

whywere

Visionary
Jun 26, 2020
2,836
I have read your posts for a long time and I always found love and thoughtful ways about you. I hope that you find peace and love in this world and the next. I will truly MISS YOU @muffin222. Walter :heart::hug::hug::heart::heart:
 
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it's_all_a_game

it's_all_a_game

I remember...death in the afternoon...
Nov 7, 2020
356
RIP muffin. You were very sweet & you will be dearly missed.
 
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Dead Meat

Dead Meat

DOOMED
Oct 10, 2018
18,395
I'm so sorry to see you go muffin such a kind hearted and beautiful gentle soul.
I wish you nothing but peace and tranquility which you so richly deserve. :heart:
 
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M

MAA Ke pass

Student
Jan 6, 2021
130
Hope u found peace
 
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◄✵火✵〇°Ø•WÅR•Ī°〇✵火✵►

Student
Feb 22, 2021
195
Such a kind, pure and wise soul you are, op. You put into words a lot of the feelings I have felt and feel. In what you described, I found a lot of similarities to myself. I resonate deeply with a lot of what you wrote and so I understand it completely.

I wish for you that your journey may be safe, pleasant and peaceful. May you find and reach the place and state of being you're aiming for, whatever and wherever it may be and may you stay there for as long as you wish.

original.gif
 
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AnnonyBox

AnnonyBox

Specialist
Apr 11, 2018
334
I'll miss you.
 
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xxsweetopheliaxx

xxsweetopheliaxx

Member
Nov 25, 2019
26
Hi everyone. After 13 years of suicidal thoughts and almost a year of serious contemplation, I've decided to end my life tonight using SN.



I know the site is fairly quiet at night, so I don't expect a ton of traction in this thread tonight. But, I wanted to leave a proper goodbye. This will be a long post, just a warning in case you don't wanna read it all :heart::hug:


I've wavered back and forth about posting a goodbye thread, but I've decided to go ahead and do so because this site has carried me through many agonizing nights. You all have made me feel less alone, despite how little I've interacted with other here members on a personal level. I'm just very shy and socially awkward.



I feel calm and even a little excited at the thought of no longer existing. However, I also feel hungry as fuck due to the fasting :)) :eh:



But, the hunger is a miniscule price to pay for freedom from my pain.



I've grown tired of the struggle, of the rollercoaster, of the endless highs and lows, of waking up feeling good and then without warning being triggered back into suicidal despair. It's been a consistent cycle for so long that I see no reason to believe that it will suddenly change. I've tried recovery 3 times in the past year, and the road just leads me right back to suffering again and again. I feel like I'm just spinning around in circles at this point.

I'm autistic, suffer from complex PTSD due to childhood trauma, and grapple with depression on a daily basis. Even one of those ailments is enough to take a person down; all 3 co-existing is nightmarish.



I believe in life plans and reincarnation. My life, as it is, is not wrong, per se. Viewed from a higher cosmic perspective, all is as it should be in my life at this time.


Even from a purely scientific point of view, my reactions, actions, and degree of mental/emotional suffering align with the reality of autism, of repeated traumas, of my natural inborn temperament, and of early childhood abuse. Viewed in this light, my life is as it should be, as one would expect it to be given the turmoil of my dysfunctional upbringing, interwoven with the confusion and loneliness inherent in navigating this neurotypical world as an Aspie.


My life is not wrong; I am simply too tired to bear the anguish and sorrow that living as myself entails longer. I know I'm not weak- I've just had to be strong for far too long, and that tiring road has weakened my spirit.


I don't begrudge anyone for my current state of being, not even my abusive parents. This is just what it is. It makes sense that I feel as I do, given my history and my genetic make up.


I simply cannot walk another step of my path without succumbing to the pain. I'm tired. I've experienced a fascinating run on Earth despite my problems. I traversed many paths, travelled to many countries where I intermingled with unique and complex souls from all walks and shades of life, and shared beautiful moments in magnificent places, before the walls came crashing down around me.


I regret nothing, only that I cannot muster the inner strength, conviction, or courage to press onwards any longer. I'm sorry to the people I will hurt with my actions. Though I'm very broken inside, I do know that I am loved. The worst part of this is knowing how much hurt I'll be leaving in my wake for the people who love me.


I've always been an ambitious girl, a go-getter, a dreamer- idealistic, really. I disregard the damage and the limitations it imposes. I push forward anyway, brimming with a stubborn, naive hope, determined to reach the mountaintop at last THIS time around, my illnesses be damned.



I press ahead every time, only to be slammed head first into the invisible walls of my psychological, emotional, and mental damage again. Each sobering encounter with my painful reality weakens me, extinguishes another ember of my hope, dismantles my resolve, and poisons my will to fight.

Then, one fateful day, I woke up and realized I was simply too tired to fight. I didn't want to fight anymore. I just wanted the fight to be over. I just wanted it all to finally come to an end. I want it to be over.




------------------



Anyway, if you read all of that, I sincerely appreciate you! I could ramble on into eternity, as I'm very verbose by nature, but I believe I've adequately stated all I desired to say in this post. SS family, thank you. I hope you all find the pathway that leads you to the right outcome for you and your unique situation, whatever that may entail.



I love you all, even if I don't know you ❤ You are strong, and you are a fighter. I truly hope that your journey does not lead you to the same destination as mine and that the clouds begin to part for you soon to make way for brighter days and happier times. If, however, happier days fail to come, I know I will see you on other side ❤





I wanted to post my experience/symptoms after drinking the SN for educational purposes, but the idea of doing that just sounds too stressful for me. I need to go in solitude, as solitude is my soul's true nature.

I won't be taking the SN until later in the night (around 2-3 AM) since I live with family, and I'm still in the process of finishing the prerequisite fasting.

But, I'm certain I will kill myself tonight. It feels right, even though it hurts my heart to imagine the pain my death will inflict on other people. There's just no way to lessen the blow for other people. It's been a long time coming, too.







---Lastly, mods, is is possible for my name to be crossed out instead converted into "Deleted user 2439058935789"? I don't know if that's possible with the current configuration of the site, but if it is, I'd love to just be crossed out. I find the Deleted user thing kind of sad and impersonal, though I understand the purpose is to protect old users and their posts from being scoured. Thank you :)

Also, mods please don't ban me for 24 hours. I do live with other people, so I could theoretically be found, but I highly, highly doubt that will happen. If, for whatever reason, I am discovered, I will come back and update.

In the meantime, I'll be doing some last minute cleaning and decluttering, in addition to writing some notes. I might post right after I drink the SN to report how it tastes and feels, but I'm not sure.



Thank you for reading and for sharing this space with me the past year❤ I wish you well
It's heartbreaking that life has given you such suffering that death is your freedom, I'm sorry that you've been in so much agony all this time. Whatever may happen, I wish you peace and happiness. I love you too, although I may not know you personally. You are a sweet and lovely soul and I truly wish you the best ♥️♥️♥️
 
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Pen>Sword

Pen>Sword

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam
Jan 13, 2021
466
Farewell, muffin222. Safe journey. We respect whichever direction you take, please be safe!
 
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DeadButDreaming

DeadButDreaming

Specialist
Jun 16, 2020
362
I hope you have a peaceful exit.
 
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popcorn

popcorn

Experienced
Dec 20, 2020
298
sad to see you go, will miss your thoughtful posts :'( x
 
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Amumu

Amumu

Ctb - temporary solution for a permanent problem
Aug 29, 2020
2,624
You were really nice. I wish you peace and I'd like to join you soon.
 
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Donk

Donk

Useless since day 1
Jan 3, 2020
1,130
I wish a peaceful journey. Unfortunate another beautiful soul will be leaving us but I hope you find peace. All the best
 
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shush

shush

can you find me space inside your bleeding heart?
Aug 16, 2020
29
sleep well angel ❤ hope you found peace
 
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sleepytourist

sleepytourist

Pain demands to be felt.
Sep 23, 2020
23
After a long journey of suffering, I hope you found peace. May the angels carry you to that place of sanctuary. Your time on earth may have been Hell but you're at peace now. Sleep well, Muffin.
 
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Trisolaris

Trisolaris

Arcanist
Dec 11, 2018
447
Hope you find peace.
 
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R

RowdyH999

Student
Mar 17, 2021
136
Safe travels fellow soul. To the next life
 
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Into The Void

Into The Void

Student
Mar 10, 2021
196
Safe Travels!
 
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muffin222

muffin222

Enlightened
Mar 31, 2020
1,188
Thank you all for your kind words. I love you all. Needed some time to process my thoughts before coming back to read this thread. I felt scared to come back and read it for whatever reason, even though I'm grateful for your words. I don't want to hurt anyone with my choices, but I know I am. I wanted to come through and like everyone's posts in the thread one last time, too, like a last little "thank you" lol. I'm crying so hard right now reading your guys' posts and your loving words. I'm very grateful

I don't have meto, so hopefully I won't vomit. But, I have read that you don't necessarily need it to ctb, so I'm not too worried. I took an antacid, ibuprofen, and have fasted for about 8 hours. I have 3 glasses ready if needed










Update: just drank it. salty, gross, like burning pool water. I'm calm. Don't feel anything yet, but I know I will very soon. Time to lay down
Goodbye everyone <3
 
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Fehler

Fehler

...
Oct 12, 2020
455
I'm probably late but I just saw your post, I hope you have a smooth transition, I have always liked how you expressed yourself...you will be missed:heart:
 
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aminend

aminend

Warlock
May 24, 2020
747
Rest in peace
 
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orlandom

orlandom

Mage
Mar 4, 2021
514
I would not want people to be sad when I leave. So I just hug you muffin222. Hug tightly. :heart:
 
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sadworld

sadworld

existence is a nightmare
Aug 25, 2020
3,870
I hope you found peace. Sending :heart: and :hug:
 
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UseItOrLoseIt

UseItOrLoseIt

1O'8
Dec 4, 2020
2,217
Rip :heart:
 
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gimme_my_happy_nap

gimme_my_happy_nap

Fresky
Mar 13, 2021
19
Peace and hugs
 
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KleinerWolf

KleinerWolf

Account Wipe.
Apr 30, 2020
2,700
Rest in peace muffin.
:'(
 
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