Tonight is my night... but I feel guilty af.

[511115]

I'm fully prepared to do this. I'm ready to commit.

I'm about to drive to another city to check into my hotel.

Everything is set.

But I had to lie to my family I was going off to visit a friend. My dad gave me some cash to treat myself. They'll be expecting me home tonight. When I don't show, they will immediately freak.

I don't want to do this to my parents.

I just don't see any other choice.

I cannot live anymore, I'm certain of that. And I cannot go back to the hospital again. I can't go back through a bunch of expensive and ultimately useless treatment again. I can't put my parents through the same heartbreak over and over again. At least this way, it'll be done. For good.

Anyone else who deals with crushing guilt, how do you reconcile that with ctb?

I don't want to hurt anyone.

I just don't see another way.

 

[Philip]

May you find your peace tonight *hugs*

 

[21Neberg]

It is very important that you don't screw your attempt up. It will not only alert your family and friends, it will also get you locked up in a psych ward. I understand your emotions, I have been feeling them too as i near my date. Yet you also mention your determination to make tonight your night.

If these feelings hold on, maybe tonight simply isn't the night. Show up at your families and wear your smiling mask again, better luck tomorrow then. Don't rush the attempt - stay calm, and you'll be fine. Best of luck!

 

[Redt2go]

I'm fully prepared to do this. I'm ready to commit.

I'm about to drive to another city to check into my hotel.

Everything is set.

But I had to lie to my family I was going off to visit a friend. My dad gave me some cash to treat myself. They'll be expecting me home tonight. When I don't show, they will immediately freak.

I don't want to do this to my parents.

I just don't see any other choice.

I cannot live anymore, I'm certain of that. And I cannot go back to the hospital again. I can't go back through a bunch of expensive and ultimately useless treatment again. I can't put my parents through the same heartbreak over and over again. At least this way, it'll be done. For good.

Anyone else who deals with crushing guilt, how do you reconcile that with ctb?

I don't want to hurt anyone.

I just don't see another way.

You don't have to do it today if you don't want to. It sounds like you think you should want to but you don't want to yet. If that makes sense.

 

[lost_soul83]

I'm fully prepared to do this. I'm ready to commit.

I'm about to drive to another city to check into my hotel.

Everything is set.

But I had to lie to my family I was going off to visit a friend. My dad gave me some cash to treat myself. They'll be expecting me home tonight. When I don't show, they will immediately freak.

I don't want to do this to my parents.

I just don't see any other choice.

I cannot live anymore, I'm certain of that. And I cannot go back to the hospital again. I can't go back through a bunch of expensive and ultimately useless treatment again. I can't put my parents through the same heartbreak over and over again. At least this way, it'll be done. For good.

Anyone else who deals with crushing guilt, how do you reconcile that with ctb?

I don't want to hurt anyone.

I just don't see another way.

May I ask what method you've chosen?

 

[Ntothed]

May I ask what method you've chosen?

I'm fully prepared to do this. I'm ready to commit.

I'm about to drive to another city to check into my hotel.

Everything is set.

But I had to lie to my family I was going off to visit a friend. My dad gave me some cash to treat myself. They'll be expecting me home tonight. When I don't show, they will immediately freak.

I don't want to do this to my parents.

I just don't see any other choice.

I cannot live anymore, I'm certain of that. And I cannot go back to the hospital again. I can't go back through a bunch of expensive and ultimately useless treatment again. I can't put my parents through the same heartbreak over and over again. At least this way, it'll be done. For good.

Anyone else who deals with crushing guilt, how do you reconcile that with ctb?

I don't want to hurt anyone.

I just don't see another way.

Just wondering what treatments you're speaking on.

Either way I hope you find peace on the other side, Godspeed

 

[SelfishMom]

I hope you find your peace whatever you choose tonight.

 

[Final Escape]

I'm fully prepared to do this. I'm ready to commit.

I'm about to drive to another city to check into my hotel.

Everything is set.

But I had to lie to my family I was going off to visit a friend. My dad gave me some cash to treat myself. They'll be expecting me home tonight. When I don't show, they will immediately freak.

I don't want to do this to my parents.

I just don't see any other choice.

I cannot live anymore, I'm certain of that. And I cannot go back to the hospital again. I can't go back through a bunch of expensive and ultimately useless treatment again. I can't put my parents through the same heartbreak over and over again. At least this way, it'll be done. For good.

Anyone else who deals with crushing guilt, how do you reconcile that with ctb?

I don't want to hurt anyone.

I just don't see another way.

Yes there's the guilt, and knowing that your loved ones will be hurt. Did you write any notes? Explaining stuff so they will understand? They might be angry and upset but I would think an explanation might help them to see your perspective better. I don't think you should beat yourself up so much. If you are pretty certain there's no way you can continue than how can they really blame you for ending it? It sucks that it has to be this way, that we have to be all secretive.

 

[TheCrow]

I'm fully prepared to do this. I'm ready to commit.

I'm about to drive to another city to check into my hotel.

Everything is set.

But I had to lie to my family I was going off to visit a friend. My dad gave me some cash to treat myself. They'll be expecting me home tonight. When I don't show, they will immediately freak.

I don't want to do this to my parents.

I just don't see any other choice.

I cannot live anymore, I'm certain of that. And I cannot go back to the hospital again. I can't go back through a bunch of expensive and ultimately useless treatment again. I can't put my parents through the same heartbreak over and over again. At least this way, it'll be done. For good.

Anyone else who deals with crushing guilt, how do you reconcile that with ctb?

I don't want to hurt anyone.

I just don't see another way.

I understand that feeling of guilt. I really don't want to hurt my parents and sister and make them sad. But I know that I've become such a burden that it's helping them in the long run.

If tonight is not the night for you, go home and try to calm down a little bit. If you keep your suicidal ideation to yourself, you shouldn't have to go to a hospital. Regroup your thoughts and plan your next step.

You may feel alone in your thoughts, but remember we're all always here.

 

[511115]

I'm going to write short notes tonight in the hotel. I'm stopped at the store right now picking up supplies.

I hesitate to state my method because anyone who doesn't know/isn't prepared for the results, will not succeed at all. They will merely end up disappointed and in the hospital. I don't want to give someone the wrong idea and lead to even more misery in their lives.

Last time I attempted this method, it almost worked. I only had 2 hours before I was found. My blood pressure bottomed out at the hospital and they couldn't find a pulse for a while. Now imagine of I had all night long instead of a mere 2 hours!!

I've been planning for this day since September. I set everything in motion. I paid off what I could of my student loans (barely enough to cover this month's payment), I spent over a thousand dollars on Christmas/goodbye/thank you gifts (why I ran out of money). I knew I didn't want to live much longer. I knew those would be my final holidays.

I don't want to live. I am firm in that.

Treatment= multiple hospitalizations, multiple residential programs, partial programs, psychiatrists, therapists, a whole pharmacy of different meds. Trust me. I've done it all.

I spent the last of my money on this hotel room. I see no point in continuing my charade.

Like I said, I just feel guilty. I love my parents. I don't want to hurt my family.

 

[TheCrow]

I'm going to write short notes tonight in the hotel. I'm stopped at the store right now picking up supplies.

I hesitate to state my method because anyone who doesn't know/isn't prepared for the results, will not succeed at all. They will merely end up disappointed and in the hospital. I don't want to give someone the wrong idea and lead to even more misery in their lives.

Last time I attempted this method, it almost worked. I only had 2 hours before I was found. My blood pressure bottomed out at the hospital and they couldn't find a pulse for a while. Now imagine of I had all night long instead of a mere 2 hours!!

I've been planning for this day since September. I set everything in motion. I paid off what I could of my student loans (barely enough to cover this month's payment), I spent over a thousand dollars on Christmas/goodbye/thank you gifts (why I ran out of money). I knew I didn't want to live much longer. I knew those would be my final holidays.

I don't want to live. I am firm in that.

Treatment= multiple hospitalizations, multiple residential programs, partial programs, psychiatrists, therapists, a whole pharmacy of different meds. Trust me. I've done it all.

I spent the last of my money on this hotel room. I see no point in continuing my charade.

Like I said, I just feel guilty. I love my parents. I don't want to hurt my family.

God, I'm so sorry. That makes me really sad. I hope that you are able to find the peace you are looking for.

 

[Lara Francis]

511115.
I am sorry to hear of your pain and despair.
I hope you can find peace ,safe travels.xx

 

[Retched]

I hope you find your peace.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

You've got to do what you've got to do.

At the end of the day, you've got to stand alone and look in that mirror. When the day comes when I want that bastard dead for sure, he's out of this hell.

 

[Pulmonicis]

Gosh I wish you best off luck. Your story strongly touched my heart, so familiar. It's absolutely heartbreaking to leave loved ones behind. Writing this with my eyes slowly closing down as a tear rolls through my cheek. Find your way to peacefullness..

 

[Hopeless_soul]

I'm really sorry. If you are feeling guilty, and feel overwhelmed with emotions, perhaps it's not the right time yet. But you know best. Just don't precipitate things. Peace.

 

[NotWorthLiving]

I'm sorry about the guilt and pain you're feeling about this. I do wish you the best though and hope you find the peace you deserve. Hugs

 

[ReadyasEver]

Safe journey 511115, and if you are still with us, find a little comfort from the guilt. Remind the people you care about to not dwell on what was lost but to treasure the time you had. Peace to you friend and be at rest.

 

[Stillnotsure]

I'm going to write short notes tonight in the hotel. I'm stopped at the store right now picking up supplies.

I hesitate to state my method because anyone who doesn't know/isn't prepared for the results, will not succeed at all. They will merely end up disappointed and in the hospital. I don't want to give someone the wrong idea and lead to even more misery in their lives.

Last time I attempted this method, it almost worked. I only had 2 hours before I was found. My blood pressure bottomed out at the hospital and they couldn't find a pulse for a while. Now imagine of I had all night long instead of a mere 2 hours!!

I've been planning for this day since September. I set everything in motion. I paid off what I could of my student loans (barely enough to cover this month's payment), I spent over a thousand dollars on Christmas/goodbye/thank you gifts (why I ran out of money). I knew I didn't want to live much longer. I knew those would be my final holidays.

I don't want to live. I am firm in that.

Treatment= multiple hospitalizations, multiple residential programs, partial programs, psychiatrists, therapists, a whole pharmacy of different meds. Trust me. I've done it all.

I spent the last of my money on this hotel room. I see no point in continuing my charade.

Like I said, I just feel guilty. I love my parents. I don't want to hurt my family.

Best wishes. Pm me if you have questions. I know the method you are using. Please be careful. We're here if you need us.

 

[TiredHorse]

If these feelings hold on, maybe tonight simply isn't the night. Show up at your families and wear your smiling mask again, better luck tomorrow then.

This is well written. Don't force it, if it isn't right.

 

[onegoodreason]

I feel so sad for you, 511115. Guilt is a tough one. However, you sound quite determined and have taken your next steps in the process. Your family will be upset, there's no getting around that. But that's something you can let go of, put the focus on you and what you need that is primary. Say what you need to in your notes and hopefully the point will be made and they'll understand. And geez, cry your heart out if you have to as well. This is such a hard choice to make, so many things complicate it, and it shouldn't be that way, or maybe it should, I don't know yet. But think of your tears as watering your garden, the one you'll reach on the other side and watch all the wonderful flowers bloom there, extraordinary ones that you'd never see here. Think of what you're going to, not what/who you're leaving behind (if you believe in the afterlife, that is).

I wish you the very best, that you come to your last moments in Peace and certainty. Many, many Blessings to you and may the Light guide your journey Home, Dearheart!

 

[throwaway123]

If you feel guilty, you're not ready.

 

[Jiva]

Hope, you find a peace. Hug.

 

[Redt2go]

If you feel guilty, you're not ready.

rt

 

[onegoodreason]

Not to be insensitive here, but is there any way to find out if 511115 has truly transitioned? Or any of the others who posted good-byes and haven't been heard from again, like About To Go? Stillnotsure, do you know anything about this sweet soul now? Sweet Peace, my friends.

 

[Lifeisatrap]

I get the same cursed feelings. I know I have nothing to feel gulity about since it's my life but just can't seem to shake it off. It's having to do it all in secret that really gets to me. I've always been really honest, too honest for my own good which makes me really suck at pretending and hiding things. Society/parents are really gifted in the art of guilt tripping.

 

[Thursdaysucks]

good luck man

 

[ParamitePie]

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[lshode55]

Me, I watch mother and siblings and hear their voices and I cry because truth be told I am the rock and glue right now and im not sure how my mother would cope with this but the pain is too much to bear. Hopefully with me gone she wouldn't waste so much time, energy and resources. I planned to take care of her cos she sacrificed so much for me. She loves me so much but the power of pain is sometimes greater than the power of love.

 

[lymbo]

It is very important that you don't screw your attempt up. It will not only alert your family and friends, it will also get you locked up in a psych ward. I understand your emotions, I have been feeling them too as i near my date. Yet you also mention your determination to make tonight your night.

If these feelings hold on, maybe tonight simply isn't the night. Show up at your families and wear your smiling mask again, better luck tomorrow then. Don't rush the attempt - stay calm, and you'll be fine. Best of luck!

are you still with us?