tomorrow

[lkjhgfdsa1]

My heart is having a hard time

I need this suffering and indecisiveness to end.

tomorrow I have many opportunities as I will be alone for 8+ hours.

It has to be tomorrow.

if I cannot do it tomorrow, I'll never be able to do it. I'll just be a failure.

I'm already failure, but I do not want to fail at this too.

I wish I could calm my heart. I am so sad.

 

[derpyderpins]

My heart is having a hard time

I need this suffering and indecisiveness to end.

tomorrow I have many opportunities as I will be alone for 8+ hours.

It has to be tomorrow.

if I cannot do it tomorrow, I'll never be able to do it. I'll just be a failure.

I'm already failure, but I do not want to fail at this too.

I wish I could calm my heart. I am so sad.

I have no magic way to calm you in this agitated state, but I figure any answer is better than nothing. I hope, no matter what or how, you find peace and your suffering can lessen or disappear.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find the freedom you search for, best wishes.

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

I have no magic way to calm you in this agitated state, but I figure any answer is better than nothing. I hope, no matter what or how, you find peace and your suffering can lessen or disappear.

I need to make up my mind.
I cannot continue on like this, spending all my time on this forum and wishing for death.

I need to move on and actually take some action.

Or I need to accept my life.

 

[derpyderpins]

I need to make up my mind.
I cannot continue on like this, spending all my time on this forum and wishing for death.

I need to move on and actually take some action.

Or I need to accept my life.

Yeah, the wishing for death may be cathartic, but no one is going to grant the wish for you. At my worst, I challenged "God," as I was losing my beliefs, by praying several times a day for over 100 days in a row for him to just let me die. The reality is it won't happen.

For me, I got worked up to an absolute breaking point, up 100+ feet over concrete viewing the original /ss. My agitation lessened, and any hope of overcoming SI vanished. But there's wisdom in what you said, because that helped me tell myself 'clearly you're not going through with it, so time to start cutting your losses in this life.'

It's so sad when you're in that incredible mental pain that just isn't quite enough to push you to end things. The beauty is it will be your choice whatever route you take.

 

[shaucro]

I need to make up my mind.
I cannot continue on like this, spending all my time on this forum and wishing for death.

I need to move on and actually take some action.

Or I need to accept my life.

I like that "or". It tells me that you're seeing your options and that there's an optimism in you still. Please allow that optimism to think about your situation for a while.

I hope that whatever decision you come to, it will be made from a position of having looked at as many options as possible. I think choice is indeed a wondeful thing to have, I think it empowers us, and most of us have more options than we realise.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

You're not a failure

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do. We're here for you!

 

[alltoomuch2]

My heart is having a hard time

I need this suffering and indecisiveness to end.

tomorrow I have many opportunities as I will be alone for 8+ hours.

It has to be tomorrow.

if I cannot do it tomorrow, I'll never be able to do it. I'll just be a failure.

I'm already failure, but I do not want to fail at this too.

I wish I could calm my heart. I am so sad.

Whatever happens, you are not a failure. I wish I could be as eloquent as you. I wish I could express myself like you do. I wish I could be with you tomorrow whatever you do then. I can feel your suffering in your words. My head says there must be an answer for us, they just haven't found it yet. But then my dark side says "when?". So whatever you do, it will be brave either way. But if you don't CTB tomorrow, please come back on here and keep me company because I'm also sad and lonely, and I just don't have the courage to CTB. And you are one of the few who understand. Take care my friend x

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I am so sorry you're in so much pain. I get that feeling of being panicked at the prospect of ctb and trapped in your life at the same time. No matter what you decide, we're here to support you no matter what.

 

[neverLoved]

It's obvious that you are struggling really badly, and I wish you the best with whatever you decide to do.

Although I do want to say one thing. From the little bit that I have been on this forum and seen you post there is something which tells me that you are stuck in this two sided battle. You made a post not that long ago saying that you will leave SaSu because you didn't understand why you are on here and I assume it felt like it might of affected you 'negatively'?

To me it sounds like you still have some hope for a better future. Take your time, because this is not a light decision to make.

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

Whatever happens, you are not a failure. I wish I could be as eloquent as you. I wish I could express myself like you do. I wish I could be with you tomorrow whatever you do then. I can feel your suffering in your words. My head says there must be an answer for us, they just haven't found it yet. But then my dark side says "when?". So whatever you do, it will be brave either way. But if you don't CTB tomorrow, please come back on here and keep me company because I'm also sad and lonely, and I just don't have the courage to CTB. And you are one of the few who understand. Take care my friend x

Thank you so much for your kind words <3.
I also wish I could be more courageous and just set my mind to it.
but it is way more difficult than i originally thought i'd be... i need to make up my mind

It's obvious that you are struggling really badly, and I wish you the best with whatever you decide to do.

Although I do want to say one thing. From the little bit that I have been on this forum and seen you post there is something which tells me that you are stuck in this two sided battle. You made a post not that long ago saying that you will leave SaSu because you didn't understand why you are on here and I assume it felt like it might of affected you 'negatively'?

To me it sounds like you still have some hope for a better future. Take your time, because this is not a light decision to make.

rather than being in a two sided battle, I have this issue where I keep myself in a delusion thinking that my issues can be fixed
but I self-sabotaged myself to a point of no return. the old life I had and old self I was are already dead...

at that time, I was feeling a lot of conflict and also delusion due to the medications I was taking.
My issue is that I like to blame others for my problems, so I thought it was SaSu that was making me more suicidal than I was. But that was not true.
But it was just my life and the realization that I am responsible for all my problems that makes me more suicidal every day.

I still have many things to think about. I do not know whether I can successfully ctb tomorrow, but I do know that if I cannot do it tomorrow, I will not be able to do it anytime soon.

 

[Traveller12724]

My heart is having a hard time

I need this suffering and indecisiveness to end.

tomorrow I have many opportunities as I will be alone for 8+ hours.

It has to be tomorrow.

if I cannot do it tomorrow, I'll never be able to do it. I'll just be a failure.

I'm already failure, but I do not want to fail at this too.

I wish I could calm my heart. I am so sad

I am sorry for the pain you feel. If you do go through with ctb tomorrow, what method are you thinking of using ?

 

[suicideby]

Why does it have to be tomorrow? Because I can be alone for 8 hours? Or should it not be that day? Why did you decide on tomorrow?

 

[Decided98]

My heart is having a hard time

I need this suffering and indecisiveness to end.

tomorrow I have many opportunities as I will be alone for 8+ hours.

It has to be tomorrow.

if I cannot do it tomorrow, I'll never be able to do it. I'll just be a failure.

I'm already failure, but I do not want to fail at this too.

I wish I could calm my heart. I am so sad.

I hope it all goes smoothly, what's your method if you want to answer?

 

[NeedAnEscape]

You're not a failure, no matter what.