pixi
how can you escape from yourself?
- Jan 11, 2025
- 97
i became pretty close friends with a coworker over probably the last 8 months or so? about a month ago i had invited them over when i was drinking, and i woke up the next day to him telling me we had sex. i didn't think it was fair for him to do something like that with me when i was so intoxicated i barely remember him even coming over, let alone anything like that happening. but they were a friend and they didn't seem to cause harm on purpose, so i was just trying to move past it. i don't have many friends. i didn't want to lose one.
horrible idea. it was a cycle of me telling him how much i hate him, going back on it when i was lonely, and then doing the same again. i couldn't see him the same but i just wanted my friend. they had been amazing to me up until this point, and i didn't think they meant to hurt me. but trying to talk to them still was only hurting me. nightmares and panic attacks got worse and worse. can't touch myself anymore without thinking about what happened, so those moments mostly just turned into me feeling gross and crying. it was also a fight with my brain trying to decide if it was even real assault or not. i feel like it's hard to say you can "accidentally" assault someone, but i do feel like it should be pretty much common sense not to sleep with someone who probably has alcohol poisoning at the least.
work sucked a lot too. hated the thought of seeing him there and not knowing what to do or what to say. i didn't wanna go a legal route with this as it was also his first time, and that's a hell of a way to lose it. i hate that i was even in any sort of position to have to deal with any of this but it was effecting my work ethic too, and between trying to protect myself without hurting him too, i ended up telling a manager im friends with what i was going through because i didn't want them to just think i was lazy and my spirals were all for no reason, as everyone had seen me have multiple breakdowns while on the clock. humiliating.
they encouraged me to go to the general manager and explain what was going on, and atleast then i could be guaranteed to not be scheduled with him anymore. i ended up doing it. i emailed her showing all the text exchanges between me and him that i had, and she had me come in today to write a statement about what happened. he was there, but in the kitchen. i know he saw me. i saw him look at me. made it harder to go out there and talk about everything knowing he was 20 feet away. but i did it.
i know she's going to have to talk to him too and get his side of the events, but most of what i gave her already kind of was his side of the events. i don't remember any of it. everything i know is because he told me. i'm just worried he's going to get into trouble and then possibly try to retaliate against me. i also feel guilty his "first time" went like this but i don't know how much of it is really my responsibility to coddle him for. i really don't think he had ill intent but i really hate that he did that. he knew i was drunk too. he even brought me some drinks over. i just hate worrying about all of this and i feel like i almost just shouldve kept my mouth shut but it was hard to carry on my own. i'm not sure how this is going to go but i really can't tell if i did the "right thing".
horrible idea. it was a cycle of me telling him how much i hate him, going back on it when i was lonely, and then doing the same again. i couldn't see him the same but i just wanted my friend. they had been amazing to me up until this point, and i didn't think they meant to hurt me. but trying to talk to them still was only hurting me. nightmares and panic attacks got worse and worse. can't touch myself anymore without thinking about what happened, so those moments mostly just turned into me feeling gross and crying. it was also a fight with my brain trying to decide if it was even real assault or not. i feel like it's hard to say you can "accidentally" assault someone, but i do feel like it should be pretty much common sense not to sleep with someone who probably has alcohol poisoning at the least.
work sucked a lot too. hated the thought of seeing him there and not knowing what to do or what to say. i didn't wanna go a legal route with this as it was also his first time, and that's a hell of a way to lose it. i hate that i was even in any sort of position to have to deal with any of this but it was effecting my work ethic too, and between trying to protect myself without hurting him too, i ended up telling a manager im friends with what i was going through because i didn't want them to just think i was lazy and my spirals were all for no reason, as everyone had seen me have multiple breakdowns while on the clock. humiliating.
they encouraged me to go to the general manager and explain what was going on, and atleast then i could be guaranteed to not be scheduled with him anymore. i ended up doing it. i emailed her showing all the text exchanges between me and him that i had, and she had me come in today to write a statement about what happened. he was there, but in the kitchen. i know he saw me. i saw him look at me. made it harder to go out there and talk about everything knowing he was 20 feet away. but i did it.
i know she's going to have to talk to him too and get his side of the events, but most of what i gave her already kind of was his side of the events. i don't remember any of it. everything i know is because he told me. i'm just worried he's going to get into trouble and then possibly try to retaliate against me. i also feel guilty his "first time" went like this but i don't know how much of it is really my responsibility to coddle him for. i really don't think he had ill intent but i really hate that he did that. he knew i was drunk too. he even brought me some drinks over. i just hate worrying about all of this and i feel like i almost just shouldve kept my mouth shut but it was hard to carry on my own. i'm not sure how this is going to go but i really can't tell if i did the "right thing".
