enjoy
Creature
- Dec 20, 2019
- 337
as promised in a prior thread, i am leaving ss today, march 1st, 2020. a few hours after this is posted, i will be indefinitely logging off so that i can continue to pursue mental help and focus on school. i have a therapist and will be meeting my psychiatrist within the next month. i am also getting a brain scan to see its activity and pinpoint what exactly is wrong with me.
i've suffered from anxiety since a very young age and insomnia has ailed me since i was a toddler. depression entered my life at 12 and bpd-like symptoms came later on at 16. i've also had issues with bdd since 17, though symptoms first started when 12 or 13. i've lost many friends due to my mental illness, was bullied throughout high school because i was unable to manage them, and my long-term girlfriend dumped me because my bpd turned me into a monster. i became emotionally abusive in the latter part of our relationship and she left for good reason. then, most recently, i was academically dismissed from my dream school because my mental illness rendered me unable to even get out of bed most days. by the end of the semester, i'd become nocturnal and rarely ate or left my room. it was terrifying.
i'm young. i don't want my life to be like this forever. even when i was at my worst, i didn't really want to die. i've been to therapy in the past, but it wasn't good. it barely helped. i've finally found a good gig and i'm confident i'll recover. i know mental illness can't be cured, but i want to learn how to manage. i'm getting on ssris for the first time ever and my therapist is really cool. i'm working hard to get back to my dream school for the fall 2020 semester. i know i can do this if i really put my mind to it. i want to do this. i want to survive. i want to someday be able to tell people my story and inspire them. i want to prove everyone wrong.
ss was instrumental in helping me. this place is so beautiful. the negative light the media puts this site in is heinous and cruel. their hypocrisy is stunning; they vouch for pro-choice in relation to abortion, but don't have that same energy when it comes to mentally ill people wanting to die on their own terms. as a former journalism major, i know all too well that the media is evil and selective. they'll split goddamn atoms to make a story fit their narrative. the right to live is the right to die. none of us ever asked to exist, but now that we do, our body should be our choice. i will always fight for mentally ill's right to choose, even when i feel better. why? because i know what it's like to be on the verge of ending things. i know what it's like to have friends calling the police on you because they want to be the hero. i've seen too many scenarios where the dead have been made out to be the villain for choosing their fate.
this website deserves to keep its place on the internet. the sense of belonging and community i felt throughout these two months was amazing. just about everyone here is fair, friendly, and kind. everyone has a different story, but we all have something in common: we're sad as shit and we're here because next to no one in real life cares. we make good out of it by coming together, though. we're all here for each other no matter what choice we end up making.
well, my choice is to live. i thought i would end up ctb, but it turns out that a lot more people in real life care than i originally thought. my friends have apparently been talking about my suicidal behavior and they're all very worried about me. i found out because my best friend told me. later that night, i started crying because i felt so awful. i actually lost one of my friends because she didn't want to feel responsible if i ended up doing something. i've since spoken with her and we've somewhat patched things up, but the fact that they were all sitting around and fretting about me dying in the first place makes me feel terrible. i know it sounds like they were playing the blame game, but i think they were just at a loss and trying to make a plan to try and keep me here. i'm also somewhat at fault because i'd constantly threaten suicide to my best friend and tell her i'd never talk to her again if she called the cops.
my mom and dad are also scared. they helped me get help and also were the ones to get the brain scan in order. i'm convinced they'll do whatever it takes to get me better. hell, they even want to help me with my bdd. i never thought i'd see the day where my parents would be asking me if i wanted to go to the dermatologist or get invisalign.
well, that brings me to today. if i improve significantly, i'll come back and give you guys an update. i'll also tell you all what worked for me so you can give it a shot, too. i don't want to just leave and never return. i don't want anyone on this site to feel like i used them for my own personal gain. i want to return in the future and prove that recovery is possible, no matter how old you are or how bad your circumstances may be. impulsivity can sometimes be our worst enemy. just because you got fired from your job doesn't mean you should ctb tonight. there's always an alternative option. i know it's hard and i know you're tired, but there's always a way out. i promise. if you give me time, i'll show you. i'll show all of you.
i'd like to thank a few people before i wrap this up. thank you to the staff for keeping this website alive and kicking (particularly hasssssuùuu for being so supportive and nice), thank you to jean for being a witty listening ear, thank you to people like carina and brick in the wall for being such friendly faces in the "everything but the kitchen sink" thread, thank you to a_strange_day for being so nice over pm when i first joined the site, thank you to iloveyouall for spreading positivity while keeping things pro-choice, and thank you to everyone else i've ever interacted with and related to on this site. if i didn't mention you by name and we've spoken before or i've merely liked one of your posts, i'm just as thankful for you; i promise. i'm also thankful for all the people who showed such sweet support when i first announced that i'd be leaving. basically, i'm thanking everyone. thank you, thank you, and thank you!
okay, time to go. i'll stay for a few more hours so that i can talk to anyone who replies to this. i also want to say my goodbyes over at the "everything but the kitchen sink thread", so keep an eye out for that. hmm, what time is it? 2pm? okay, i'll log off at 10pm. solid.
it's tough leaving. i only dread coming back someday because i'm afraid to see that more people have ctb. i know that sounds selfish, but it sucks watching all the friendly faces pass on. i'll miss those people, no matter who they may end up being.
i love you, ss. thank you for existing. thank you all for existing. i'll see you all again soon, whenever and wherever that may be. peace and hugs to everyone.
i've suffered from anxiety since a very young age and insomnia has ailed me since i was a toddler. depression entered my life at 12 and bpd-like symptoms came later on at 16. i've also had issues with bdd since 17, though symptoms first started when 12 or 13. i've lost many friends due to my mental illness, was bullied throughout high school because i was unable to manage them, and my long-term girlfriend dumped me because my bpd turned me into a monster. i became emotionally abusive in the latter part of our relationship and she left for good reason. then, most recently, i was academically dismissed from my dream school because my mental illness rendered me unable to even get out of bed most days. by the end of the semester, i'd become nocturnal and rarely ate or left my room. it was terrifying.
i'm young. i don't want my life to be like this forever. even when i was at my worst, i didn't really want to die. i've been to therapy in the past, but it wasn't good. it barely helped. i've finally found a good gig and i'm confident i'll recover. i know mental illness can't be cured, but i want to learn how to manage. i'm getting on ssris for the first time ever and my therapist is really cool. i'm working hard to get back to my dream school for the fall 2020 semester. i know i can do this if i really put my mind to it. i want to do this. i want to survive. i want to someday be able to tell people my story and inspire them. i want to prove everyone wrong.
ss was instrumental in helping me. this place is so beautiful. the negative light the media puts this site in is heinous and cruel. their hypocrisy is stunning; they vouch for pro-choice in relation to abortion, but don't have that same energy when it comes to mentally ill people wanting to die on their own terms. as a former journalism major, i know all too well that the media is evil and selective. they'll split goddamn atoms to make a story fit their narrative. the right to live is the right to die. none of us ever asked to exist, but now that we do, our body should be our choice. i will always fight for mentally ill's right to choose, even when i feel better. why? because i know what it's like to be on the verge of ending things. i know what it's like to have friends calling the police on you because they want to be the hero. i've seen too many scenarios where the dead have been made out to be the villain for choosing their fate.
this website deserves to keep its place on the internet. the sense of belonging and community i felt throughout these two months was amazing. just about everyone here is fair, friendly, and kind. everyone has a different story, but we all have something in common: we're sad as shit and we're here because next to no one in real life cares. we make good out of it by coming together, though. we're all here for each other no matter what choice we end up making.
well, my choice is to live. i thought i would end up ctb, but it turns out that a lot more people in real life care than i originally thought. my friends have apparently been talking about my suicidal behavior and they're all very worried about me. i found out because my best friend told me. later that night, i started crying because i felt so awful. i actually lost one of my friends because she didn't want to feel responsible if i ended up doing something. i've since spoken with her and we've somewhat patched things up, but the fact that they were all sitting around and fretting about me dying in the first place makes me feel terrible. i know it sounds like they were playing the blame game, but i think they were just at a loss and trying to make a plan to try and keep me here. i'm also somewhat at fault because i'd constantly threaten suicide to my best friend and tell her i'd never talk to her again if she called the cops.
my mom and dad are also scared. they helped me get help and also were the ones to get the brain scan in order. i'm convinced they'll do whatever it takes to get me better. hell, they even want to help me with my bdd. i never thought i'd see the day where my parents would be asking me if i wanted to go to the dermatologist or get invisalign.
well, that brings me to today. if i improve significantly, i'll come back and give you guys an update. i'll also tell you all what worked for me so you can give it a shot, too. i don't want to just leave and never return. i don't want anyone on this site to feel like i used them for my own personal gain. i want to return in the future and prove that recovery is possible, no matter how old you are or how bad your circumstances may be. impulsivity can sometimes be our worst enemy. just because you got fired from your job doesn't mean you should ctb tonight. there's always an alternative option. i know it's hard and i know you're tired, but there's always a way out. i promise. if you give me time, i'll show you. i'll show all of you.
i'd like to thank a few people before i wrap this up. thank you to the staff for keeping this website alive and kicking (particularly hasssssuùuu for being so supportive and nice), thank you to jean for being a witty listening ear, thank you to people like carina and brick in the wall for being such friendly faces in the "everything but the kitchen sink" thread, thank you to a_strange_day for being so nice over pm when i first joined the site, thank you to iloveyouall for spreading positivity while keeping things pro-choice, and thank you to everyone else i've ever interacted with and related to on this site. if i didn't mention you by name and we've spoken before or i've merely liked one of your posts, i'm just as thankful for you; i promise. i'm also thankful for all the people who showed such sweet support when i first announced that i'd be leaving. basically, i'm thanking everyone. thank you, thank you, and thank you!
okay, time to go. i'll stay for a few more hours so that i can talk to anyone who replies to this. i also want to say my goodbyes over at the "everything but the kitchen sink thread", so keep an eye out for that. hmm, what time is it? 2pm? okay, i'll log off at 10pm. solid.
it's tough leaving. i only dread coming back someday because i'm afraid to see that more people have ctb. i know that sounds selfish, but it sucks watching all the friendly faces pass on. i'll miss those people, no matter who they may end up being.
i love you, ss. thank you for existing. thank you all for existing. i'll see you all again soon, whenever and wherever that may be. peace and hugs to everyone.
enjoy.
