Venting Today's crappy enough to have the thought of letting a poll decide if I die or not.

[Unsure and alone]

So I'm essentially not eating or drinking.
I'm on day two .
Sometimes I can go longer without suffering like this but other times it happens fast.
I've had a little bit of juice and a little bit of peanut butter here and there because the head pounding and dizziness is rather bad this time around.
It's physically painful right now.

But day 1 I just couldn't care.
I just didn't have enough energy.
I spent it trying to avoid my active suicidal thoughts.

Today hasn't been much better but it has.
I had a few moments of randomly flipping to happy for a brief spell.
Before back to the misery.

Today I have continued this not eating shit because my suicidal thoughts are too active.

First part of the plan is fasting for 8 hours.
I haven't been wanting to commit to another 8 hours of life to get out of the symptoms of not eating and drinking.

Reaching out hasn't been helping very much .
Obviously I'm careful not to say anything alarming enough to be sent to a ward since I fear that.
Didn't go well the first time around .

I've also spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to be able to talk to someone specific.
Wishing they would take some sense into me.
Which is also code for talk me out of dying quite this fast.
I failed.

There's a lot I'm ignoring or keep forgetting.
A bunch of it really important.
Even if I'm struggling to care right now.
I do care. Just not quite above my pain right this moment.

I haven't gotten very much done Today. More than yesterday though.
Wandered into looking into info for trying to navigate getting help without risking too much.

The wise thing to do right now would be to eat and drink, then chill if possible or take a sleep aid .
End the torture for the night and sleep through my options clock resetting.

Since unfortunately I'll probably be alive still.
I'm a little bit disappointed and angry about that at the moment .

There was however one really great bright spot Today . something I want to hear might come out in 3 days.

I know it's still too soon.
I'm struggling with believing/ knowing why.
My last goal / dream is getting closer.
That would be really great to stick around for.
I'm just really miserable Today
And want a break from this misery.

I played the suicide helpers hotline video for a laugh earlier Today .


Well thanks to anyone who reads this vent.

I guess I should go try and numb my mind a bit and get eating and drinking done .
I still don't really want too.

But if I'm sticking around then I should end some of the misery.

It's only 8 hours right ?

Can you tell I'm still working on lying to myself ?

 

[Unsure and alone]

Well update.

Last night got worse before it got better.
Lot's of yelling about a minor misunderstanding.
Of course right before I put the food I'd finally talked myself into eating in the microwave.
So I put it in the fridge for later.

I cut after that fight.
I coped for awhile and then tried reaching out to a place just to talk.
It didn't help long term but it did help for the night .
I ate that food.
And took something to sleep.
That was way late/ early though.
I think around 2 AM my time.


Today has been I'm not sure.
Not sure what to call it.
Definitely much better though.

Someone here helped point me to a place to look for an antimetic.
I've been doing that Today.
I'm calmer Today.
Yet still tired of life.
However there's moments that are good.
A fav song.
My dogs warmth as he lays next to me.
My cats pleasure at the side door being open but the screen door is locked.
I'm keeping him safe.

I'm still not eating or drinking well.
I think I will have some soon
Since Tomorrow is when I plan to start getting things I need.
Like the prepaid visa for ordering.
It seems wise and I do need to pick up a few groceries anyway.

I need to take an action that would help protect my family as much as I can without staying.
Withdrawing cash. So it doesn't get locked up or attempted to be taken when I'm dead.
Also planning to do at the grocery store.
So 3 in 1 I guess.

I'm grateful that doesn't force me to stay or leave.
Not yet anyway.
I won't go that far right now.

Today is still about information gathering.
It's about considering things.
Such as could I hold on long enough for my last dream ?
Or am I so tired I want out right now?

I guess getting the antiemetic does two things.
Increases the odds of success and gives a good reason to be hanging around just thinking.

I personally think it's good not to rush
Even if some days that's so damn hard .

It's less a fast exit and more the knowing your ready that I mean about rushing.

It doesn't make sense to me but these days have proved both I'm feeling it worse right now and that there's still internal conflict.

So I guess for now I'm still unsure.
And just going to keep getting ready .

I'm grateful for this place. It definitely helps.

 

[Worndown]

Yeah...we cannot do that. You must decide if, when and how.
We can discuss all the other aspects.

 

[Unsure and alone]

Yeah...we cannot do that. You must decide if, when and how.
We can discuss all the other aspects.

Maybe there was a misunderstanding ?

I was sharing my own struggle.

I didn't ask anyone if I should CTB now or not.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Like an "internal" poll you've taken within yourself?

 

[Unsure and alone]

Like an "internal" poll you've taken within yourself?

That day was bad enough I had the thought of making an actual poll.

But I've got two problems with that.

1. I don't actually want someone else making the final choice for me.

2. It's against the forum rules.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

That day was bad enough I had the thought of making an actual poll.

But I've got two problems with that.

1. I don't actually want someone else making the final choice for me.

2. It's against the forum rules.

Yeah, don't do that. CTB is about the most personal and profound decision one could ever make. No one here would ever tell you whether, or when, you should live or die. My "whether" I did by making lists of reasons I shouldn't CTB vs reasons I should. Couldn't come up with any reasons why I shouldn't. As far as the "when", I'll make that decision for myself exactly when the time is right for me. I hope you give all aspects of your desire to CTB the contemplation it deserves.

 

[Unsure and alone]

Yeah, don't do that. CTB is about the most personal and profound decision one could ever make.

It's always personal and it has to be your own choice.
It's good to consider what others say too though.

No one here would ever tell you whether, or when, you should live or die.

I know and I agree it's a good thing that we don't.
I had the thought of a poll but did not ask for the above two reasons.

My "whether" I did by making lists of reasons I shouldn't CTB vs reasons I should. Couldn't come up with any reasons why I shouldn't. As far as the "when", I'll make that decision for myself exactly when the time is right for me. I hope you give all aspects of your desire to CTB the contemplation it deserves.

That's a good suggestion
I have tried to do that before with varying degrees of success.

I have been giving it more thought lately for obvious reasons.