Today's been rough. Tonight I'm reacting to my sace being invaded.

[Unsure and alone]

Today's been drowning in emotion even though I'm on vacation and was planning to visit the zoo Today. I failed to get out at all though.


I'm beyond exhausted in every aspect.
Vacation is / was breathing life back into my empty cup

But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't demanding a lot of my body.

I'm still making mistakes of only 1 water bottle by 5 pm or later even on days I'm achieving 10 k steps much of that in the heat.

And that's just one reason my body is exhausted.

There's also sleep issues.

A past medical concern coming back up .
And more ...

I guess it's no wonder I'm feeling some higher physical pain again Tonight.

Tonight's the second night of having extremely broken sleep (insomnia is hell, but usually once I fall asleep I stay asleep until I wake back up.) and night sweats .

I know my trigger is vacation is almost over and there's a ton of stress waiting for me back in normal life.



Well Tonight got worse by the news the others forgot their house keys somewhere and ended up breaking into the house via my rooms window.


Logically I do understand it.
I think they probably should have tried a little bit harder to find another way.
But I do understand it.


But that does absolutely nothing for the fact they invaded my space.

Nothing for the added stress of they will want a response.

They will want it to be okay.

Well it's not fucking okay.

I've kept that space guarded.

It's the closest thing to a space that's safe for me .

Just can't be heard .

But there's this wonderful invention called Bluetooth and headphones so I can handle how much it's not okay to share what soothes me.

What helps express the hurt .

And even audio distractions that we used to share a long time ago.

Kept hidden.

I've cut.
I've reached out .


988 .
It didn't help.
Just wanted to safety plan.
Not deal with any of the trigger.

Not deal with any of the fears and worries spiraling out around here .

Thankfully they shouldn't have discovered my SN , alcohol, pills ( remains of An old very bad idea suicide plan it was / is almost completely OTC pills . Can't say it wasn't serious though since when I gave up a lot of that , I gave up over 2 K of crushed pills and I've kept at least several hundred still I think ) or blades .

However they will have seen the truth of just how far I still have to go to get actual order in the room.



And I don't like how personal it is to let someone in that space.

I was / am already struggling with knowing I'll only have 3 partial days to do anything before being forced to let a stranger inspect it. ( House inspection for insurance reasons )

This just adds a spiral to it all

So anyone have any ideas on how to handle it ?

 

[kms4]

One day at a time. One minutes at a time. Even just one second at a time. Easier said than done, but when I spiral it's because I'm overwhelmed by all the overwhelm I know I'll feel in the future -- even if the future stress is only that same evening.

And 988 is never helpful for me either, just wanted to relate.

If you can, even for just a few minutes, try not to think about things in the future. I know the present isn't great either, but that's enough for your brain to handle right now.

OR sometimes I just write out all my worries and feelings and about how much I hate life out and it lifts the smallest weight off for a bit. I hope you can find relief, even just for a few minutes.

 

[Unsure and alone]

I was struggling with the mountain of future problems I'm addition to that.

I somehow

One day at a time. One minutes at a time. Even just one second at a time. Easier said than done, but when I spiral it's because I'm overwhelmed by all the overwhelm I know I'll feel in the future -- even if the future stress is only that same evening.

True

And 988 is never helpful for me either, just wanted to relate.

I'm sorry it's that way for you.
It's always uncertain if it helps or not
Depends a lot on the person talking with you.

If you can, even for just a few minutes, try not to think about things in the future. I know the present isn't great either, but that's enough for your brain to handle right now.

Thankfully I eventually got out to the zoo and then a concert.

Probably had an absence seizure at the concert though.

It's not sure but probably.

OR sometimes I just write out all my worries and feelings and about how much I hate life out and it lifts the smallest weight off for a bit. I hope you can find relief, even just for a few minutes.

Thanks. I hope you find relief too.