Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
- 20,718
Wow. Sorry for this long ramble. As it says in the title, I've been on SS for a full year now and now have over 5000 posts. I mainly just wanted to summarize what happened to me in the year I've been here... I initially joined because my paternal grandparents had just died within a week of each other and my dad wasn't letting me go to their funerals unless I agreed to go visit him which I didn't want to do at all. What got me the most was that I wasn't as sad as I thought I should be about their deaths, I was more pissed off at my dad and I also felt guilty that I didn't feel bad enough. I thought, "my God. Am I that much of an unfeeling and cruel monster? I need to die soon."
I happened to come across this site while looking up the poem from the second to last Bojack Horseman episode. Someone here had apparently posted it in its entirety. I started looking up methods and threads and stuff for a few days before I decided to join, mostly so I could have stuff to do on my laptop during lectures at school. Then coronavirus happened and classes shifted to online. Ironically this actually made me feel better enough to take a bit of a hiatus from the site because I really hated the traffic from the commute and finding parking.
Events in July pushed me far over the brink when I realized how alone I was. A bunch of my heroes and other people I looked up to from within the Smash Bros community were outed as pedophiles/ephebophiles or at the very least being creeps. Most of these cases were legit which was very sad to hear others were blown out of proportion in an attempt to cancel them or damage their character simply because they already weren't liked. I felt more lost than ever. This combined with all the political buzz going on with me living in California, an area with politics I mostly hate, I realized that none of my friends would ever agree with me and that most of them only care for fake virtue signaling reasons. I also realized that I wouldn't be able to make friends with the other side either because they have higher standards for what people should be like which I admire but I just don't meet those standards.
Then sometime mid August even though classes were still online I started to get overly suicidal again because it was my last semester and it just wasn't making me as happy as I thought it should. That was enough to bring me back to the site. And since then I've been posting almost daily.
Besides school, the thing contributing the most to my suicidality was my awareness of how unlovable I am and how like it or not I am an involuntary celibate. Yeah I may not hate women or whatever but that's not in the definition anyways. I wanted more than anything to be able to actually have a relationship because I had never ever been able to have one before.
Then on September 24th, I received a message out of the blue from a new user of this website. I already made a whole thread about this but to summarize: She apparently saw me talking about how much of an incel I was and that intrigued her enough to want to message me outside of the website. We ended up telling each other our life stories and I ended up actually falling for her, which I had not expected or even wanted at all but she turned out to hit so many check arms on my list that I couldn't help it especially because she was the one who approached me first and was confident enough to outright tell me she was into me. She even turned out to live no more than 20 miles away from me which I thought must have been fate. Alas, it was not meant to be. I think she won't care if I say this now but basically she was physically unable to have children due to some operation she willfully got. She decided that because I said I probably want them (before I knew that) that I'd never be able to change my mind and so after five days she tried to break it off.
I spent the next two weeks trying to convince myself I don't want kids and it sort of worked so with that in mind I attempted to rekindle what I had with her but it turned out she had moved back to her home state and even though she said she would have loved to be with me I think she was also trying to tell me that she actually thinks she's not good enough for me and so I have not received a single response from her once ever since October 25th.
The amount of heartbreak from this event was quite frankly the last straw for me. This was the closest I'll ever get to that near-perfect relationship I'm looking for and I blew it somehow. In November I bought SN and moved my CTB date up from when I'm 30 to when I'm 28, which will be in 2022 (I turn 27 two weeks from today). I decided that that age was the very latest I could bear to wait to end this crushing heartbreak.
I know that time is supposedly the only way to heal it but honestly even months later it still hurts just as fresh as when it happened and the only time I ever got over a girl before it took me 9 whole years which I just don't have time for, and that was for someone who definitely never loved me. I refuse to even live past 30 without a wife or potential wife and that's just what everyone is going to have to accept. That's why I've still been here I guess meanwhile she moved on and self-banned from this site a long time ago because for some reason people kept picking fights with her anyway. Wherever she is now I really hope she's at least happy. She doesn't need this site thankfully.
By the way, GoodPersonEffed and Mahakali88 were the two most devastating losses for me among users on this site. Both of them wanted so much more from me. They saw something in me that I still don't see, perhaps some way of getting better. As elusive as that is, I do still try to take some of the advice they've given me when I can.
And so now I'm here, still suicidal and I've still got another year still left to go but at least with my SN I'm way more happy about exiting because I know it's the only way for me. I suppose maybe something can happen in the next year but I highly doubt it and I would hate for something similar to happen again so I guess consider this a warning or whatever that I'm just a pathetic waste of human garbage who's not worth the time. Well at least I hope that's the moral of my story. If you got anything else out of it then that means I've failed...
PS: Before anyone says it yes I know I'm hard on myself but honestly, myself freaking deserves it for all the suffering he has brought unto me and to others. Stuff like this is all his fault so why shouldn't I want to berate and eventually kill him?
PPS: Anyway, thanks for reading this if you made it this far I suppose...
I happened to come across this site while looking up the poem from the second to last Bojack Horseman episode. Someone here had apparently posted it in its entirety. I started looking up methods and threads and stuff for a few days before I decided to join, mostly so I could have stuff to do on my laptop during lectures at school. Then coronavirus happened and classes shifted to online. Ironically this actually made me feel better enough to take a bit of a hiatus from the site because I really hated the traffic from the commute and finding parking.
Events in July pushed me far over the brink when I realized how alone I was. A bunch of my heroes and other people I looked up to from within the Smash Bros community were outed as pedophiles/ephebophiles or at the very least being creeps. Most of these cases were legit which was very sad to hear others were blown out of proportion in an attempt to cancel them or damage their character simply because they already weren't liked. I felt more lost than ever. This combined with all the political buzz going on with me living in California, an area with politics I mostly hate, I realized that none of my friends would ever agree with me and that most of them only care for fake virtue signaling reasons. I also realized that I wouldn't be able to make friends with the other side either because they have higher standards for what people should be like which I admire but I just don't meet those standards.
Then sometime mid August even though classes were still online I started to get overly suicidal again because it was my last semester and it just wasn't making me as happy as I thought it should. That was enough to bring me back to the site. And since then I've been posting almost daily.
Besides school, the thing contributing the most to my suicidality was my awareness of how unlovable I am and how like it or not I am an involuntary celibate. Yeah I may not hate women or whatever but that's not in the definition anyways. I wanted more than anything to be able to actually have a relationship because I had never ever been able to have one before.
Then on September 24th, I received a message out of the blue from a new user of this website. I already made a whole thread about this but to summarize: She apparently saw me talking about how much of an incel I was and that intrigued her enough to want to message me outside of the website. We ended up telling each other our life stories and I ended up actually falling for her, which I had not expected or even wanted at all but she turned out to hit so many check arms on my list that I couldn't help it especially because she was the one who approached me first and was confident enough to outright tell me she was into me. She even turned out to live no more than 20 miles away from me which I thought must have been fate. Alas, it was not meant to be. I think she won't care if I say this now but basically she was physically unable to have children due to some operation she willfully got. She decided that because I said I probably want them (before I knew that) that I'd never be able to change my mind and so after five days she tried to break it off.
I spent the next two weeks trying to convince myself I don't want kids and it sort of worked so with that in mind I attempted to rekindle what I had with her but it turned out she had moved back to her home state and even though she said she would have loved to be with me I think she was also trying to tell me that she actually thinks she's not good enough for me and so I have not received a single response from her once ever since October 25th.
The amount of heartbreak from this event was quite frankly the last straw for me. This was the closest I'll ever get to that near-perfect relationship I'm looking for and I blew it somehow. In November I bought SN and moved my CTB date up from when I'm 30 to when I'm 28, which will be in 2022 (I turn 27 two weeks from today). I decided that that age was the very latest I could bear to wait to end this crushing heartbreak.
I know that time is supposedly the only way to heal it but honestly even months later it still hurts just as fresh as when it happened and the only time I ever got over a girl before it took me 9 whole years which I just don't have time for, and that was for someone who definitely never loved me. I refuse to even live past 30 without a wife or potential wife and that's just what everyone is going to have to accept. That's why I've still been here I guess meanwhile she moved on and self-banned from this site a long time ago because for some reason people kept picking fights with her anyway. Wherever she is now I really hope she's at least happy. She doesn't need this site thankfully.
By the way, GoodPersonEffed and Mahakali88 were the two most devastating losses for me among users on this site. Both of them wanted so much more from me. They saw something in me that I still don't see, perhaps some way of getting better. As elusive as that is, I do still try to take some of the advice they've given me when I can.
And so now I'm here, still suicidal and I've still got another year still left to go but at least with my SN I'm way more happy about exiting because I know it's the only way for me. I suppose maybe something can happen in the next year but I highly doubt it and I would hate for something similar to happen again so I guess consider this a warning or whatever that I'm just a pathetic waste of human garbage who's not worth the time. Well at least I hope that's the moral of my story. If you got anything else out of it then that means I've failed...
PS: Before anyone says it yes I know I'm hard on myself but honestly, myself freaking deserves it for all the suffering he has brought unto me and to others. Stuff like this is all his fault so why shouldn't I want to berate and eventually kill him?
PPS: Anyway, thanks for reading this if you made it this far I suppose...
