Venting Today I spoke for the last time with the person I love the most

[whybother2002]

They are a great friend of mine. I love this person more than anyone in this world. It's their birthday today. I gifted some bandcamp albums because we live so far away and it's the only thing I can do. With each album I sent a little text. In the last one "bye for now and see you soon". We haven't been talking since I tried to OD in august, I promised I'd get better and send a message when I'm ready. It's almost november and my life is so much worse. I have no hope of ever getting better. Meds won't work anymore, therapy is just a dead 1hr conversation. This is the last time I spoke with the best person I've ever met. I bought SN a few days ago, it's supposed to show up either today or tomorrow. I don't understand why god makes me suffer. After today, I will shrink back to my usual pathetic self and plan my own death.