Today could be the day

[I-can-only-imagine]

Today could be the day I CTB. Currently in my local Rural hospital because my work colleagues bought me here on Saturday worried. I have been trying to get the help but am constantly blocked. Have been on meds, seeing a psychologist, trying to do everything right. Have had the suicide thoughts but not the intentions as such although that has been changing over the last 2 weeks. Even my cats haven't been a reason anymore to stay and they were my ONLY reason.
I have been co-operative and open on how I feel and even came very close yesterday. I have been put under the local mental health team based 45 minutes away and yesterday there was talk of transferring me to a mental health unit (I'm not in the US) But then the last thing they suggested was to go stay with family for a couple of weeks and that pissed me off. It's like putting a band aid over a stab wound. It is pointless. I decided then that if I don't get the help I need and have been screaming for, then I will follow through with my plans.
I have a couple Of plans depending on how much time I will have to complete them. Always good to have contingency plans. And I am at peace with my decision. I cannot make it any clearer to my team that I want help. I have tried all I can and if they cannot hear me, then that is it. I'm tired of trying and tired of being the only one fighting for me.
So I will know by 10am what is going to happen and whether I CTB today. I am happy with either option and to be honest have now started hoping they don't listen and that I CAN CTB to just have this all over. But I have also always said I will take the help if it is offered, just so I can say that I have tried.

 

[FuneralCry]

Everyone deserves to get the support and help they need, otherwise how are we supposed to get better. Life really can be hard, and I wish you the best, no matter what option you choose.

 

[I-can-only-imagine]

I have written my suicide note. And am feeling at peace. To the extent I am leaning towards hoping they DO block me again so I can go home and follow my plan. I don't know if I even want to fight anymore. If I didn't have the assessment in an hour, I would abscond. Left it too damn late!

 

[Alec]

They are real assholes if they don't want to fight for you, you deserve to be fought for and I am so sorry you are not a lot people who wouldn't ignore your pain and asking for help!! But whatever happens and whatever you choose, I'm with you I promise! I'm thinking no about you and you are not alone. And I'm not judging you in any bad way. I only think that you are incredibly strong and brave to have fought for so long and to do now what you think is best for you. You see amazing to me and whatever you choose today, I'm with you, I promise, and I love you. Sending endless hugs and hope you can feel them

 

[I-can-only-imagine]

They are real assholes if they don't want to fight for you, you deserve to be fought for and I am so sorry you are not a lot people who wouldn't ignore your pain and asking for help!! But whatever happens and whatever you choose, I'm with you I promise! I'm thinking no about you and you are not alone. And I'm not judging you in any bad way. I only think that you are incredibly strong and brave to have fought for so long and to do now what you think is best for you. You see amazing to me and whatever you choose today, I'm with you, I promise, and I love you. Sending endless hugs and hope you can feel them

Thank you. They are going to discharge me with some super unrealistic "safety" plans like putting my sharps for SH in another room and just not going in that room. REALLY?!? That's SO not going to stop me guys! They also want me to have regular calls from access line which basically just ensures I am alive more than anything else. The therapy that they think I need won't happen for at least 4 weeks apparently. Helpful or what!!!! I'm actually laughing because of how ridiculous it is. I even told them about the suicide note! Well. Now I know what I will likely be doing once home and I am happy with that option.