Discussion To those with a relatively supportive family, how guilty do you feel about wanting to ctb?

[selfdeprecatingjoke]

I'm tired of living and I don't believe I'm too concerned about not existing anymore. But I can't stop thinking about the consequences to my immediate family. My poor mother, sisters, father and grandparents would be beyond devastated. For the longest time now I've been living so as to not hurt them... Sometimes I even selfishly wish they didn't care about me. It would certainly make the process considerably easier for me.

 

[WornOutLife]

Yes, thinking about leaving my family behind really hurts. I know they'll suffer lots.
However, what other choice do I have? I don't want to keep suffering for decades!

CTB is a selfish and cold act. At least I see it that way.

 

[Zoya]

I also think the same and I am not able to make a radical decision just by thinking about how my mother is going to feel after she sees me or thinks that I have made this decision. I agree with the previous comment that this decision is selfish because we are thinking of ourselves but the question is who thinks about how we feel and what are our reasons for leaving the world. I send you my most positive thoughts and energies so that you can find a solution or make a decision that is to your liking. peace <3

 

[Fehler]

I understand you, for my mother is that I did not do it years ago, in the same farewell letter I made it clear that I am an selfish and I will not be able to forgive myself for what I do to her...

 

[selfdeprecatingjoke]

I understand you, for my mother is that I did not do it years ago, in the same farewell letter I made it clear that I am an selfish and I will not be able to forgive myself for what I do to her...

My farewell letters are all one big apology and asking for forgiveness

 

[DivineMedicus]

I don't even have the capacity to feel guilt anymore.

 

[Shadowplay]

Not much really.
Maybe I'm just a ****? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

[fred1]

I'm tired of living and I don't believe I'm too concerned about not existing anymore. But I can't stop thinking about the consequences to my immediate family. My poor mother, sisters, father and grandparents would be beyond devastated. For the longest time now I've been living so as to not hurt them... Sometimes I even selfishly wish they didn't care about me. It would certainly make the process considerably easier for me.

I'm the same, I lost my son 4 weeks ago today, we found him hung in his bedroom after a small row nothing serious, now all I want to do is be with him and not here, I tried the week it happened and took around 60 amitriptyline tablets but after taking them I felt so guilty so told my brother and he called an ambulance, spent 3 days in icu having the worst hallucinations ever! Now I wish I didn't tell anyone because my daughters are making me feel so guilty I can't leave them, so now I punish myself like I hardly eat I burn myself I cut myself as I need to be punished for making my son take his own life

 

[Shadowplay]

I'm the same, I lost my son 4 weeks ago today, we found him hung in his bedroom after a small row nothing serious, now all I want to do is be with him and not here, I tried the week it happened and took around 60 amitriptyline tablets but after taking them I felt so guilty so told my brother and he called an ambulance, spent 3 days in icu having the worst hallucinations ever! Now I wish I didn't tell anyone because my daughters are making me feel so guilty I can't leave them, so now I punish myself like I hardly eat I burn myself I cut myself as I need to be punished for making my son take his own life

F*** that is awful - so sorry to hear.

 

[BottomlessPit]

Life is suffering, with or without a suicide. It's an inevitability that the people in our lives will die at some point, so the question is not if, but when the grief is experienced. Now or later, it doesn't change much.

But even more important is the fact that we are not responsible for other people's reactions to decisions pertaining to our own lives.

There is nothing positive about life on earth. If my immediate family can't see that we are all better off dead, then that is their problem. Why should I have to suffer for their ignorance?

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not feel guilty at all. I understand they would be sad, but I never asked to be alive in the first place. I have the right to take my life at a time of my choosing. I have no obligations to stay alive. It would be selfish of them to expect me to suffer for decades.

 

[Thingsneverchange]

When my mind is clear I do feel guilty. But when I am so overwhelmed with suicidalness, I don't even think about them

 

[hyacinths]

i always feel guilty.

my mom is the only person i really have, and the same goes for her to me. she raised me as a single mom and did her best despite being pretty fucked up mentally herself. if i was gone i don't know if she could survive it. she's the only reason im still here.

 

[Originaldon]

You have to not worry about it. I love my family and they love me but I know I've got to not even think about what will happen after I'm dead. The more you think like that the more you'll never do it and it's all just talk. You've got to do it knowing that it dosent matter , you won't be there to feel guilt or worry or stress.

 

[AntHydra]

I feel guilty that I'm already such a disappointment to them. I feel guilty that they raised and cared for me at all. I feel guilty for probably scarring them for life, especially my little brother, who is already scarred by getting an incurable disease at a young age and to whom I should be a compassionate, helpful and fun older sibling. I feel guilty that on the last stretch of their lives, I have to inflict such a loss upon my grandparents, especially when my grandpa is already suffering from cancer. All of those people who had good intentions with me, I am sorry to them.

That's on an intellectual level. I can't emotionally fully process what exactly I would do to them. It remains speculation for me. I've never been good at simulating other people's emotions, but I know it will hurt them.

For myself, I hope I can go soon and minimise the pain inflicted and the disappointment that I bring in the meantime.

 

[paradiselock]

I don't feel guilty that I want to ctb per se but thinking about how my loved ones would react does make me sad. My big sister told me once that she had a dream where my friend killed himself and I was so distraught I did the same, and she woke up really upset (I think she knows I'm depressed but not sure if she knows I'm suicidal.)

My other sister (who does know that I'm suicidal) has explicitly told me that she would be upset too if I died and I fully believe her because she's also gone through the same thing and isn't the type for platitudes. And my parents had me so she would have some company (her conception was unintentional and our eldest sister was already around 8 at that point so they feared they wouldn't get along because of the age difference) so if I killed myself I feel like I would be abandoning her.

 

[Hurt]

They will be sad but life has become too bad for me that everyday is a torture. If I have a good chance to quit I do it.

I don't even have the capacity to feel guilt anymore.

Same happens to me. It's like I can't feel or know how others will feel when I'm gone. I'm so suicidal that I don't think about that.