Discussion To those who plan to ctb: how do you cope with the fact that you can not speak to anyone about it?

[antilife]

I wish I could say the truth to my loved ones. But you know how it is, you can't do it. Nobody would ever accept this decision.
My plan is solid thanks to SS. Now I'm not in a state where I feel trapped, but relieved.
I'm writing this because I'm looking for you guys out there, you might go through the same feelings about hiding your plan to ctb. For me it is a mixture of a guilty conscience, not knowing how to properly say goodbye and spend the rest of the time with them to the fullest. It's unfair that they won't know and I'll be gone so suddenly. It's also a feeling of being alone with your plan and I don't know how to explain it. All in all, I feel bad about it. Still going to ctb, but yeah.

Lets make this a thread where we share our thoughts nobody else would understand except for us.

 

[Whatshouldmynamebe]

I wish I could say the truth to my loved ones. But you know how it is, you can't do it. Nobody would ever accept this decision.
My plan is solid thanks to SS. Now I'm not in a state where I feel trapped, but relieved.
I'm writing this because I'm looking for you guys out there, you might go through the same feelings about hiding your plan to ctb. For me it is a mixture of a guilty conscience, not knowing how to properly say goodbye and spend the rest of the time with them to the fullest. It's unfair that they won't know and I'll be gone so suddenly. It's also a feeling of being alone with your plan and I don't know how to explain it. All in all, I feel bad about it. Still going to ctb, but yeah.

Lets make this a thread where we share our thoughts nobody else would understand except for us.

I totally understand what you mean about feeling bad about it. It is a guilty conscience, I hate that I have to lie to my loved ones and that I have to hurt them. It is unfortunately at the end of the day abandoning them. I wish I could tell my partner so she could get some closure in saying goodbye, so that we could hug and cry together.

I hate the suddenness of it all, to them one day everything is fine and the next your gone forever. It's a difficult thought.

I wish I had more comforting things to say. I just try to think that at the end of the day we all die and hopefully nothing actually matters at all. Dosnt change the hurt in the moment though.

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

I don't feel guilty but it's like the information is choking me? I feel it stuck in my throat, I want to talk about it, not because I want help, but to share the burden of knowing my final day.

Wish I could let my parents know, say "death is around the corner, I see it" and be hugged, hear them say "I know, but don't you worry, my dear".

 

[The Burning Fool]

It's so absurd how I can't open up to others if I want to, but I also can't be alone if I want to. I mean I can't discuss how, when and why I want to die without being institutionalized or whatever. But at the same time I can't just cut myself off from others and disappear without them trying to "save" me.

All I want is to want nothing, and I'm not allowed to work towards that goal by myself, or ask for help from others.

It's like I have a duty to live. I have to work to avoid pain and suffering, while others are trying to be the masters of my own body, and I'm not allowed to escape. Life is not a gift, it's slavery and torture.

 

[KillMeh]

That's what this forum is for, other than that I try to accept it as a fact, consequences being what they are

 

[Raskolnikov's Axe]

Because last time I did I kept wishing I hadn't.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

The consequences speaking about it with anyone outside the SS community could be horrible and mess up the whole plan. It's great that there is such a great community here to talk about stuff like that.

 

[gorgongrl]

It's so complicated to deal with. The guilt of pretending you're OK, knowing that you're planning to leave them forever. I wish I could discuss it with them, show them my point of view and say goodbye properly without having to leave it all in a note.
I sometimes feel like I haven't given them enough chance to help me, and every moment with them is tinged with the knowledge that it will be one of our last memories together. I am trying to be as present and compassionate as I can since I don't want any regrets.
I hope that I will be able to help them make sense of it all after the fact, but you can never know how written words will be interpreted.

 

[morbyxz]

Well actually I told them multiple times, but considering that Ive always said that on multiple occasions they think im joking. But I think I couldnt tell them directly about my suicidal thoughts because they would think less of me

 

[SpiritualDeath]

That's why I love this forum.
Overly pro-life mainstream society is to be blamed. Suicide prevention is a joke. It's never useful in actually making the suicidal's lives better. It just makes suicide an extremely difficult and lonely experience, like this life isn't already such a hellhole for us.

 

[idonthaveanother]

I've just been pretty much telling everyone in my life, without flat out saying it. I'm in a situation right now wherein them getting me put into a ward would also hurt them as well, so they won't do it. Weird situation for sure, but I gain confidence every time I tell them, without really telling them.

 

[antilife]

I've just been pretty much telling everyone in my life, without flat out saying it. I'm in a situation right now wherein them getting me put into a ward would also hurt them as well, so they won't do it. Weird situation for sure, but I gain confidence every time I tell them, without really telling them.

How do you do that?

 

[tora]

it's really, really difficult. I'm planning on doing it this weekend if I can get the courage to actually pull the trigger, and everyday I just want to call my mom and cry and tell her everything. I've been completely isolated for the last 2 weeks so that's been making it easier for me not to tell anyone.

 

[heavyeyes]

Like you I wish I could tell my loved ones the truth. I feel such guilt and despair about it. Sometimes I feel it more than others. I wish I didn't have to put them through such pain just so that I can be free. My father especially. He's older now so I'm afraid for his health. No doubt he will blame himself.

It's so hard not being able to tell them since I might need to ctb sooner than I thought I would.

 

[cosifantutti]

I see ctb as something further down the line. I've told my husband I'll probably do it one day. He is very kind and totally understands but I know I couldn't tell him when I'm going to do it. I hope that by talking about it now and then will make a small difference when the time comes.

 

[lwlaiet8887]

I have already told my mother that I'm going to CTB in the near future and my reasons for doing so. All she said is but "I need you" Almost if she understands of how little I have left to live for. I have written a suicide note addressing my reasons and individuals and what I want them to know. It's very poetic in a sense, I have written my struggle, my justification, my words to individuals, my life experience, the virtues I've learnt both for improvement, insights into the state of the world, mainly the inate malignance of the world and my denouncing of God through it. (My mother is a Christian) My situation is different to most though as my mother has seen me try and fail again and again, as well as understanding my deep passion for something I can't have, my hatred of my image, my boredom and dissatisfaction with life. She will understand on a deep existential level. My life was/I shit, I try extremly hard, I fail, I get tired of life and see no reason to continue to suffer with no satisfaction in sight. Logical enough to me. I probably sound dramatic but it's more of a reflection of the burning passion I had for life and now the climatic end I can bring to myself. It's philosophical and reminds me of great many men of history, I will leave behind a legacy of some sorts through my philosophical writing and the tough life I've lived and documented.

 

[tora]

Like you I wish I could tell my loved ones the truth. I feel such guilt and despair about it. Sometimes I feel it more than others. I wish I didn't have to put them through such pain just so that I can be free. My father especially. He's older now so I'm afraid for his health. No doubt he will blame himself.

It's so hard not being able to tell them since I might need to ctb sooner than I thought I would.

I feel so much guilt and despair too, mostly at the thought of how my mom will react. last night I had a massive breakdown and cried so hard I threw up :( my parents are older too, they're retired and living their dream life and I feel awful that my death is going to ruin that for them.
sometimes I wish I was alone with no family so I wouldn't have anyone to hurt when I leave

 

[heavyeyes]

I feel so much guilt and despair too, mostly at the thought of how my mom will react. last night I had a massive breakdown and cried so hard I threw up :( my parents are older too, they're retired and living their dream life and I feel awful that my death is going to ruin that for them.
sometimes I wish I was alone with no family so I wouldn't have anyone to hurt when I leave

I don't know if it's worse to have people that care about you or to be alone. It's a double edged sword I guess.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I don't know if it's worse to have people that care about you or to be alone. It's a double edged sword I guess.

When the family (caring people) isn't understanding our point why we want to leave and they are forcing us to stay then we are in the same worst situation as if we were totally alone.

 

[_smile_]

I always make sure to tell those I truly care about, whether irl or online, that I love them. I do this every time I have visits with family or friends while saying goodbye, as when one passes, you tend to think about the last conversation you had with that person. I want those people to remember I loved them.

I believe this is the beauty of the Sanctioned Suicide community. If this place did not exist, we could not even have this discussion without backlash. We could not voice our guilt and fear and wishes of death to anyone. While most of us are unable to share these feelings with those who matter most, there's comfort in knowing your voice will be heard here.

 

[foreverfalling]

I don't think I cope with it at all. This is probably the primary driver of my existential dread. I know that I am never able to reveal my true thoughts to anyone, and I need to always put up a facade in front of other people. It makes me feel totally alone with no sense of belonging, like an alien in a human suit.

 

[sserafim]

Nobody would care if I ctb'ed so I don't need to talk to anyone about it. I don't need to tell anyone, they'll find out after the fact. Hopefully they will realize that they were unnecessarily mean and cruel to me during my life and regret this, and wish they'd treated me differently and actually cared about me.

When the family (caring people) isn't understanding our point why we want to leave and they are forcing us to stay then we are in the same worst situation as if we were totally alone.

Mine would prefer me to go…they think I'm a failure who hasn't succeeded at life (because I'm a NEET). They want to kick me out of the house and force me to leave. And I will, I will ctb eventually. Ugh I hate my post college life so much. I wish I were still in college and didn't graduate yet. I wish I had a family which actually cared about me

 

[Captive_Mind515]

It's tough.

People have been socially conditioned to think it's a taboo subject to discuss. When in fact, it's the most natural of things. Perhaps we should come up with some ideas on how to break the social stigma around the subject...?

It's not just ctb, but also death in general. Society wants to ignore most of the issues around death, because death is viewed as some sort of rival or arch nemesis to life... the enemy of life. So anyone who is considering death as a legitimate choice, is essentially fraternising with the enemy. Hence, you must be shunned from the club of life, isolated and made to feel like an outcast. This community is an attempt to counter this strategy, which is why they attack us.

We need to break through this social construct, that life and death are polar opposites and the enemy of each other. It's really not true, they are both intrinsically connected and part of each other. You cannot have one without the other.

 

[CH349]

I know how you feel, it feels terrible for me I can't have my last words with my family. I hate writing a letter for them I wish I could just tell them everything before I ctb.

For my friends though I have a convenient hack. I've been "joking" about ctb, and I've been sneaking in things I needed to say. Things like "yea I would love to be cremated when I kms 0 cost so much cheaper than an actual funeral". I'm glad I've developed such dry humor haha

 

[turntechGodhead]

the way i cope w not telling ppl abt my plans is actually thru this site since i can share my thoughts n my excitement towards death on here but when the site is down i tend to just say what i feel but in a way that makes it seem like i am joking so they don't take me srsly n send me away

 

[idonthaveanother]

How do you do that?

Like my mother: I tell her idk if I'll make it through my situation. She knows what I'm saying. She provides reasons why I should, none it helps of course. I explained to her if a deer is hit by a car in the road, what are you supposed to do? Put it out of its misery. I asked her "how can you ask a person who has been in pain for so long, to continue living in that pain?" So I've pretty much been having that conversation with her, without saying the words "I'm gonna x".

Like I said in my prior post, she has everything to lose right now by putting me in a ward; and can only gain ground if I decide to stick it out. I don't think I will.

 

[bluebus]

It's not easy. That's mostly why I'm here lol. I came here looking for a method, and I ended up finding a space to talk about what I'm going through. This site really has been great for me. I'm able to freely discuss my plans, reasoning, and just things in general that I can't talk about with people in my life. Being here is how I am able to deal with it.

 

[sadidiot0328]

It sucks but they wouldn't get it. So I just keep it pushing. I wish I could tell my therapist but I don't want to be hospitalized.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I don't speak of it outside of this forum. I do not feel guilty because telling someone about your plans to CTB is a hell of a burden to place on them. I feel that telling people about your plans will just bring on a prolonged sadness and awkwardness for all involved.

 

[drennedrat]

I've been thinking about this a lot. Especially when I've been with friends lately I've thought "I'm sorry I have to traumatize you all soon but I wish I could explain myself somehow without getting hospitalized". They also joked today about who would die next and I felt bad knowing it would be me, within a few weeks. I just wish I could explain to them that it's inevitable and that i love them all so much. Idk if there is an afterlife but i hope they can just remember the good times and feel the love I've shared beyond my life