Discussion To the ones with kids

[SomePeacePlease]

Hello,

I was first admitted in 2005 due to "Being a risk to myself". At that time I had no choice due to age, but now....

My therapist have diagnosed me as "Chronically Suicidal", and I simply can't go on.

Here is my "problem" though. I have a 8 year old son. I love him, but diagnosed with MDD and anxiety, I don't believe I can be a good father. My son lives with his mother, and she is great. I have him in weekends, and I love him so much.

The demons that live in my head simply won't let me keep living. I've tried everything. Every antidepressant, benzo and even electroshock.

I just don't know how to justify putting my son through this, despite believing he'll be better off without me.

People with kids that plan on ctb, how did you get past this thought? I know many will think I'm a horrible person, but I'm just so tired, and can't go on. Over half my life now I've fought demons and been seeking help wherever I could. I'm in my 40s now.

 

[dtkdave87]

Similar situation here. I have the most beautiful 5 yo daughter I could ever ask for. But I'm not a good example for her, I'm not right with my thoughts. I want out really bad and end this tormenting suffering. She has been the only reason why I haven't cbt yet.
I only get to see her every other weekend, this kills me.

 

[Worndown]

Hello,

I was first admitted in 2005 due to "Being a risk to myself". At that time I had no choice due to age, but now....

My therapist have diagnosed me as "Chronically Suicidal", and I simply can't go on.

Here is my "problem" though. I have a 8 year old son. I love him, but diagnosed with MDD and anxiety, I don't believe I can be a good father. My son lives with his mother, and she is great. I have him in weekends, and I love him so much.

The demons that live in my head simply won't let me keep living. I've tried everything. Every antidepressant, benzo and even electroshock.

I just don't know how to justify putting my son through this, despite believing he'll be better off without me.

People with kids that plan on ctb, how did you get past this thought? I know many will think I'm a horrible person, but I'm just so tired, and can't go on. Over half my life now I've fought demons and been seeking help wherever I could. I'm in my 40s now.

You said it very well.
If you do exit, make sure this information as passed on. Some context can help in an otherwise terrible situation.

 

[SomePeacePlease]

Similar situation here. I have the most beautiful 5 yo daughter I could ever ask for. But I'm not a good example for her, I'm not right with my thoughts. I want out really bad and end this tormenting suffering. She has been the only reason why I haven't cbt yet.
I only get to see her every other weekend, this kills me.

Yes, very similar situation. I only see him every other week too. The ECT(electroshock) caused severe back pain. I had 20 of them, and in addition to benzo, I'm now addicted to strong opoids for the pain. Everything is prescribed by my doctor. I get no "high" or any visible sign that I take these medications, only if I don't have them. I always make sure I have enough medications for the weekends with him.

Still, as I said. I'm just so tired. I've tried everything, and I just can't go on any more. He is the sole reason why I feel bad for my decision, and I feel horrible for what he may have to live with for the rest of his life.

 

[thanatos444]

I have a smart, emotionally sensitive 7 year old and a happy, outgoing 20 month old. The fear that I'll devastate the former and somehow mess up the latter (more than I already do - I have MDD and difficulty regulating my emotions and frustrations) are among the few things still tethering me to this life.

 

[Endless_suffering]

I've tried every antidepressant. Today I had ECT #6. Still suicidal. I feel your pain. I've tried to kill myself probably 100 times. As recently as last month. I don't wanna live but I'm scared to hurt people when I die. I know what I have to do but I know it's gonna hurt people

 

[SomePeacePlease]

I've tried every antidepressant. Today I had ECT #6. Still suicidal. I feel your pain. I've tried to kill myself probably 100 times. As recently as last month. I don't wanna live but I'm scared to hurt people when I die. I know what I have to do but I know it's gonna hurt people

Thank you, and thank you everyone. I wish you all the best with ECT. It didn't work for me, and got some black holes in memory from way back, but not a big loss.

I understand what you mean. My parents are old, and the rest of my family can deal with it(that's how I see it, so just a personal opinion). All I care about is to not traumatise my son, but I know that is hopeless when I will CTB. I've already done some "half-assed" attempts with too high doses of opioids, benzo and gabapentin, that I have prescribed, hoping that I'd just stop breathing in my sleep(yeah, stupid, I know, with the risk of brain damage).

It's heartbreaking, but having become dependant on opoids and benzo prescribed by my doctor, and having tried every antidepressant, 20 ECT(that shot my back with disc dislocation, hence painkillers) and even gone private to try Ketamine micro dosing under nurse supervision.

At what point do I deserve to finally get some peace, despite all the love for my son? I can't take this for 20-40 years more. I REALLY wish I could donate my life to a cancer patient that WANTS to live.