To stay or go?

[JonL666]

So please excuse this massive long post but I'm in a dilemma I do have all the stuff ready for charcoal suicide but not the means to get to a location, I had planned it with someone on here who turned out to be an undercover cop, so if possible things have got worse I'm the last 24 hours, its been bad since I split up with my ex I can't get over her plus I don't get to see my daughter from another partner and that kills me everyday, so I've been sofa surfing between my mums and a friend as I went on a massive bender after splitting up with the ex and lost the job I had and obviously a place to live as I lived with her and her 2 kids anyway I managed to fall out with the one friend I had who I have to stay with on a Tuesday as my mum has my daughter around and my daughters mum will not allow me contact so I can't be around or my mum will not get to see her either, so in my head now it's pushed things forward I have a litre bottle of vodka plus a few cans and my plan was to walk to all the beautiful spots that have memories for me I live in a amazing scenic location with rolling cliffs etc and although I don't think no matter how drunk I get I can do the cliff thing I'm far to much of a coward and afraid of just ended up still alive but paralazyed or brain damaged etc but my route I have planned there is trains but I never wanted to go that way as the effect it can have on the drivers etc and also I have not managed to finish a letter to my daughter as I always cry and my writing becomes illegible, but also I just want to be gone now today I'm hoping with the alcohol it will give me the courage and means to just go in front of a train but then I wanted things planned and set also, I don't know if to just neck the alcohol and see if I can go today or hang on a bit and find a source of SN or plan the charcoal thing properly, I don't know if to go now today or wait and do it properly the idea of visiting these beautiful spots seemed poetic to me but its just more painful as every spot I used to come to was with a GF or my daughter and rather than be uplifting they are just reminding me of how alone I actually am and of everything I have lost. Fuck me life story guys sorry. I just don't know what to do I think I need to get really drunk and see if I can do the train but that makes my last act me being a prick too right? A train driver needing therapy and a little girl whose daddy ended up in pieces? But I don't know if I can wait to source SN or just be around another day