i've had quite a few.
1. when i was younger i just really wanted to die. i realize now when i look back to it, it would've never worked. I chose to cover my face in a blanket and basically choke myself outside of the blanket. after about 2 minutes i started to feel myself start to pass out and i genuinely thought i would die, not sure what it was, but something just told me to get up, so i did. honestly i almost laugh looking back considering how i really thought i would've died.
2. quite few years later, i took a bunch of tums, about 15, in a stupid non-planed attempt to overdose. i stopped taking them because the flavor was gross. nothing happened i just had a headache for an hour.
3. a week after that i got more desperate, and that became my first "true" attempt. i took about 25 Tylenol, half the night before, half the next morning. then i chickened out and told someone. i was rushed to the hospital, spend 3 days under an IV taking it out of my system. then i spend the next 5 days and that thanksgiving in the psych ward.
4. 2 months after my partner died, and a bunch of research, i attempted shallow water blackout. for several hours i tried in freezing cold water. never worked successfully because months later i realized i did it completely wrong. it started to rain and i cried on my patio at 4 in the morning for the next two hours. eventually i felt it was pathetic and i had to do something at some point, so i sulked back inside and tried to figure out what i would do next.
5-8. in the next few days, i tried hanging several times, probably more than three. i tried with a belt around my bed frame several times over several nights. at one point i even tried the night-night method. i brought a rachet strap, and i had corn bags. i realized when attempting i had brought the wrong type of rachet strap, and it wouldn't become tight enough around my neck.
9?. for this attempt, i took xanax (7.25mg), and i tried to drink some liquor with it. i chose the worst type of liquor and it was very old. i didn't get any down and basically just was unconscious for 17 hours. operantly i woke up a bit at some point and mumbled some words, but i don't remember any of it.
10. my most recent attempt. i feel slowly my attempts have become closer and closer to succeeding. i choose to jump into a lake in the middle of the night, slightly high on opioids. eventually after about 2-3 hours of swimming around i gave up and decided to get out because i didn't think it would work.
i'm still considering ctb, very stuck on how to though. right now i've been desperately trying to get good sources for SN, i have a few but i'm worried about sending it to my home. i've been really stuck and it's kind of frustrating.
to answer your questions. usually i would feel a lot of emotions before, excitement, sadness, fear, etc. as every attempt failed, those feeling simmered down much more. eventually even on the times i truly believed i would make it, i would barely have any emotions beforehand, it felt like the same story over and over again. that's why for SI, my best recommendations are 1) to be 100% ready, once you truly feel like you are ready, the SI beforehand (not like lets say your SI trying not to choke while choking to death), will usually decrease and 2) to practice what your going to do many times before. really get into the mindset while sitting in that rope or something practicing hanging, that you are there and you are ready to hang (even if your not). get as close as you can to the day you'll be ready. doing that can help your body get ready so when you actually do it, your familiar with it and it's not as scary.
i wish you luck <3
