To note or not to note

[neitherherenorthere]

For me, writing a suicide note that includes explaining my mindset, apologizing, telling people it's not their fault, etc. is more of a therapeutic exercise that lets me say things to people that I would never otherwise be able to express than something I'd actually do in preparation for my death. When I'm at that point where I'm absolutely ready to go, I couldn't give a fuck about a note. Even something as simple as a list of bank accounts or people to contact or appointments to cancel seems totally irrelevant and pointless. I mean, from my perspective it certainly would be, I'll be fucking dead, and I'll have emotionally distanced myself from everyone/thing in my life that I'd feel no desire to convey any final thoughts to anyone in an effort to comfort them. Unless you have a statement to make, I think suicide notes are mostly about making other people feel better.

There's this nagging sensation that I should write a note, even though it'd be completely insincere at the moment of my dying--no, I don't apologize for dying, I don't love you (or feel anything at all toward you, for that matter), and I don't really give a fuck about making things more convenient for you by providing a nice little list of all of my assets and social media login info or anything else practical. Anything suicide note-esque that I could say would be a lie, and while I don't care enough to try and fabricate something to make the people I leave behind feel better, I feel obligated to regardless because it's the proper, considerate thing to do.

Maybe I could write something up prefaced with the statement that I don't feel like this now, but if I was in a headspace to be a nice, caring person, this is what I would say.

God I'm drunk, sorry for the ramble. Anyone else go back and forth on whether they'd leave a note or not? I have such mixed feelings about it. That and making my journal entries available to read after my death. Does that make any sense to do, or would it just be painful for other people to see?

 

[Frauw]

I already have a note written just incase, though it will be posted virtually, regardless I think people would always want to understand why rather than wondering why.

 

[WornOutLife]

No problem, my friend. I was drunk a few hours ago too lol.

Well, as for the notes, I think it's great to write them.

I plan to leave goodbye letters for my family, few friends left and even for my dog! (Although he can't read lol)

 

[callofthevoid]

I'm thinking of writing a short note just so that they would definitely know the cause of my death rather than have them speculate about it.
I am still thinking of whether I should write a detailed one to have it scheduled to post on social media, for the people who only know me online.

 

[JigsawFeelin]

I think notes are a good idea, personally.
I've only ever not left a note on one attempt, and it felt supremely odd. We leave so many footprints, and we always say 'goodbye' at the end of an encounter.
I don't think they need to be huge 'MARY I BLAME YOU FOR THIS' or 'AHMED YOU NEVER REALLY LOVED ME' blame games- though if people have destroyed your life without your consent then fucking go for it but they do need to set out a few basic things.
I want to be buried and have a certain song. My mother, if she had her way would have me cremated . So I need to lay out funeral instructions, as well as the phone numbers for people in my life who could feasibly take my cat and I also need to tell my ex he was wrong about something. Though I've no idea how it'd get back to him, or if he'd even found out i was gone....it's been so long.

 

[life-eternal]

I always think about this, if it's better to leave one than not. In my case, i think it is better to write a note to alleviate some of the pain it may cause later. I think some people in my family would guilt themselves over my death, thinking they did something wrong to me which made me commit suicide, but that isn't the case. I love my family so the best thing i can do is leave a note to try to rid them of any guilt they could have.

 

[neitherherenorthere]

I've only ever not left a note on one attempt, and it felt supremely odd. We leave so many footprints, and we always say 'goodbye' at the end of an encounter.

This is an incredibly lovely thing to say. Would you mind if I quoted you in my journal? No one would ever see it, of course.

In general, I agree that it's better to leave a note than not. I've drafted quite a few notes over the years. Sometimes it was more like journaling than anything, and other times it was an actual goodbye note that I revised with the intent to eventually use. I don't have any anger or blame to put on anybody, so it wouldn't be that kind of note.

I already have a note that's more or less finished, and it definitely feels like the right thing to do to leave a note. The thing is, when I'm suicidal to the point that I'm expecting to go through with it soon, I'm so dissociated that I can no longer understand why I would bother to leave a note. My ability to process that feeling of obligation or feel any emotional attachment to anyone/anything is so far gone that the concept of leaving a note genuinely doesn't make sense to me, and leaving one would just feel disingenuous because any sentiment conveyed in the note is either no longer true or I just don't care at the time of my death. I've thought about it in moments like that and always have this visceral recoil, like when someone touches you when you don't want to be touched.

There's also the question of whether I should make my journals available for people to read after my death. I'm not sure if it would help people or just hurt them more. Right now I don't feel comfortable letting people see my innermost thoughts, but if I'm dead, what does it matter?

 

[Wrennie]

While I'd like to write a note, I don't think that just *one* would be enough. I feel as though I'd have to make several notes directed at each individual in my life, and frankly I don't have the energy for that. Ultimately I don't think I'll end up writing anything at all.

 

[death137]

I understand why ppl leave a note and I did it few times in the past (very short) but in my next attempt I won't leave.

 

[gtrfvr]

No note but I do plan to factory reset my phone to reduce the odds of any negative attention for ss