Tired of lying

[neverwashere]

I'm so tired of putting on a fake personality in front of people. I'm not actually all giggly and funny, I'm not smart and I'm not interesting. The person with all of those qualities that my friends and family think they know doesn't actually exist. I'm the most one dimensional, boring person you will ever meet.

I guess I could argue that pretending to always be happy is helping me feel better about life which is partially true; II haven't been actively suicidal lately and I haven't been ideating as much. But something happened today-- not sure what, to be honest. Maybe its the fact that my room that I worked so hard to clean is getting messy again or the fact that I've begun to subconsciously self isolate--and all of the feelings I think I've been suppressing for the last few days are rushing back in as I type this.

I don't know how nobody has noticed how fake everything I do is and how little I care about myself, because I know I'm not a good actor or a good liar. I know my bluffs are painfully obvious and nobody cares that I'm spiraling. Or if they do care and they genuinely haven't noticed yet, I can't just straight up tell them.
When I told my mom that I feel suicidal half a year ago, she made the whole thing about herself and how her mental health is worse than mine because of me, and then threatened to call the cops but not in a "I'm concerned for you" way and more of a "anything to get this mess out of sight and out of mind" kind of way.

Jesus fucking christ I'm so alone. I'm just now realizing that nobody actually knows me, not even myself. Its exhausting to the point where I can't sleep anymore, if that makes sense. I'm so fed up with overthinking every stupid lie and coming up with excuses for certain actions. I'm so fed up with not being able to just exist peacefully. I don't want to exist anymore but I can't bring myself to end it all. What is wrong with me?

I really want to say "please help me" but I know that the only person capable of helping myself is me. The problem is, I don't know how to help myself. I'm so tired.

 

[cami]

this is perfectly how i feel too. i just want to urge you not to do anything impulsive. do you see a counsellor, or another type of person that you could tell about how you feel? it sounds like you're struggling with your identity quite a bit and those kind of things are really rough if you try to deal with them alone. we're all here for you, no matter what.

 

[Worndown]

I had a bipolar ex that could present differently to several people at once. No wonder she was tired all the time!
She was being real with them but had to turn it on.
The fun person they see in you must exist. Maybe you just need to turn it on too.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @neverwashere,
I'm so sorry that you feel this way.
Showing my true face is also my worst fear.
Nobody seems to care, so my loneliness will stay.

Thanks so much for opening up.
Here, you no longer have to fear,
You don't have to fake until you snap.
Real you are welcomed here.

I really want to say "please help me" but I know that the only person capable of helping myself is me. The problem is, I don't know how to help myself. I'm so tired.

If you are comfortable with, please tell us what kind of help you need.
I want to provide you support as much as possible on this forum

 

[overtakee]

I feel exactly the same, I don't know what to do…

 

[FuneralCry]

That really does sound so awful and tiring what you have to go through, it's certainly such a horrible world we exist in where people suffer so much. I don't really think it's a good idea being open to other people about wanting to die though, it could very easily just make existing much worse.

 

[J4yst4r]

I struggle with this partially aswell. The way i see it is like, as you said yourself you're not a good actor and yet somehow people are convinced you're a happy person. So the conclusion i draw is that i really must be happy in those moments.

I mean it really depends on the person, i would follow @cami 's advice and seek a councellor to help with your identity. Another thing you could try is next time you're hanging out with friends you could self reflect in thay moment and ask yourself how you feel at that exact moment. I find the answer to usually be genuinely enjoying myself.

 

[Worndown]

Before you take a final step, check of counseling. It does not help everyone, but it is worth a try. Check for options in your area.