Tired Of Living & I Want To CTB

[saddavyd]

I have been living with situational difficulties for nearly 20 years, after a really good first 40 years of my life. I had a good career, got married, had children and was considered successful.

I don't want to go into everything, but mental health problems have built up and for the last month I have felt suicidal every day.

I've always regarded myself as someone who is resilient and can bounce back from adversity. But now something has changed and everything has suddenly got too difficult. I just feel too old and too tired to keep battling away at life and I feel it's time to ctb.

I have felt this way before, on and off, but never consistently, every day, so strongly. I had powerful, transient feelings before which took me close. Now the feelings of pain are not so strong, but they have kind of settled in and have become familiar. Like a habit. It's very odd. But very compelling. I do feel like it could be my time.

I need to find a way that is both achievable for me from a practical point of view and which does not trigger my SI, as that's always been the problem before. Perhaps, now that the suicidal feeling has changed, the SI will fade and I'll finally be able to escape from this painful, troubled life of mine?

I was happy for 2/3 of my life. That's not a bad ratio to finish on.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

From OP I assume you are in your (early) 60's? I had a big failure in life in my early 40's and I'm considering the same. CTB is probably the only option. Have you considered methods already? I hope u also can find find peace somehow.

 

[saddavyd]

I'm 59. I have been diagnosed with bipolar, with borderline traits. I make very poorly considered decisions and just made a huge one. I'm not sleeping well and in emotional pain every day. CTB seems to me the only direction to go in.

I've considered and tried jumping from a height and hanging. Also thought about crashing a car at speed and other methods. Partial is my preference though. I'm looking at the night-night thread at the moment, but I don't feel confident with it. Everything in life is hard now :-(

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable just feeling so tired of everything, I wish it's easier to finally cease existing, I find it dreadful how it's so difficult to die. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

 

[saddavyd]

With it being so hard, I've failed a few times and I can be content with the fact that I have tried for a long, long time to find happiness in life. If suicide hadn't been so hard I'm sure I would have succeeded already.

 

[sserafim]

I have been living with situational difficulties for nearly 20 years, after a really good first 40 years of my life. I had a good career, got married, had children and was considered successful.

I don't want to go into everything, but mental health problems have built up and for the last month I have felt suicidal every day.

I've always regarded myself as someone who is resilient and can bounce back from adversity. But now something has changed and everything has suddenly got too difficult. I just feel too old and too tired to keep battling away at life and I feel it's time to ctb.

I have felt this way before, on and off, but never consistently, every day, so strongly. I had powerful, transient feelings before which took me close. Now the feelings of pain are not so strong, but they have kind of settled in and have become familiar. Like a habit. It's very odd. But very compelling. I do feel like it could be my time.

I need to find a way that is both achievable for me from a practical point of view and which does not trigger my SI, as that's always been the problem before. Perhaps, now that the suicidal feeling has changed, the SI will fade and I'll finally be able to escape from this painful, troubled life of mine?

I was happy for 2/3 of my life. That's not a bad ratio to finish on.

I feel you, living is exhausting. Honestly every day feels like a chore. I'm just tired of existing. I'm in my early 20's, and I've already failed in life, I've failed to launch.

 

[saddavyd]

Up to just over a month ago I was living in a house which had been our family home for 26 years. All that I needed was there but I sold it during a bipolar/bpd mood swing. At the end of the sale I became very anxious and it started to feel wrong but I pushed through. The actual sale process was the most traumatic thing I've ever done. On the day of completion I had a frightening realisation what a mistake I had made. I was very suicidal. Still the SI kept me alive. I wish it hadn't.

Now my life is permanent sadness and disappointment, I have no interest in life at all and just want to turn back time (impossible) or die. The pain of regret is so hard to bear. It's like torture. Death of 1,000 cuts. Everything triggers me to feel emotional pain. Over and over again the thoughts hurt me. I wish it was over. I really do.

I have a family who say they need me. So do I have to stay and suffer? Hope the pain will ease? I am trying to see beyond the pain. I have lost so much. A son. Mum and Dad. Career. Health. Love and connection to my wife. Laughter. Friends. Plus the house. If I get through this it will be a miracle.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I have been living with situational difficulties for nearly 20 years, after a really good first 40 years of my life. I had a good career, got married, had children and was considered successful.

I don't want to go into everything, but mental health problems have built up and for the last month I have felt suicidal every day.

I've always regarded myself as someone who is resilient and can bounce back from adversity. But now something has changed and everything has suddenly got too difficult. I just feel too old and too tired to keep battling away at life and I feel it's time to ctb.

I have felt this way before, on and off, but never consistently, every day, so strongly. I had powerful, transient feelings before which took me close. Now the feelings of pain are not so strong, but they have kind of settled in and have become familiar. Like a habit. It's very odd. But very compelling. I do feel like it could be my time.

I need to find a way that is both achievable for me from a practical point of view and which does not trigger my SI, as that's always been the problem before. Perhaps, now that the suicidal feeling has changed, the SI will fade and I'll finally be able to escape from this painful, troubled life of mine?

I was happy for 2/3 of my life. That's not a bad ratio to finish on.

I have been living with situational difficulties for nearly 20 years, after a really good first 40 years of my life. I had a good career, got married, had children and was considered successful.

I don't want to go into everything, but mental health problems have built up and for the last month I have felt suicidal every day.

I've always regarded myself as someone who is resilient and can bounce back from adversity. But now something has changed and everything has suddenly got too difficult. I just feel too old and too tired to keep battling away at life and I feel it's time to ctb.

I have felt this way before, on and off, but never consistently, every day, so strongly. I had powerful, transient feelings before which took me close. Now the feelings of pain are not so strong, but they have kind of settled in and have become familiar. Like a habit. It's very odd. But very compelling. I do feel like it could be my time.

I need to find a way that is both achievable for me from a practical point of view and which does not trigger my SI, as that's always been the problem before. Perhaps, now that the suicidal feeling has changed, the SI will fade and I'll finally be able to escape from this painful, troubled life of mine?

I was happy for 2/3 of my life. That's not a bad ratio to finish on.

I've been feeling this way for the best part of the year now. I have battled depression for most of my life and have been through so much turmoil that there is no fight left inside of me. In fact I don't even want to get better anymore because I know that I have reached a point where I know for sure that my fight is over and it is just a matter of time before I terminate my existence. This actually brings me a sense of comfort in a weird kind of way.

 

[saddavyd]

I can relate to this to a point, but it does not comfort me. Living with intense sadness and regret is very difficult and it seems to be getting worse by the day. I think the fact I have a family will remove any sense of comfort. I'm dissatisfied and disappointed if this is where I end.

 

[Coldpizza22]

I can relate to this to a point, but it does not comfort me. Living with intense sadness and regret is very difficult and it seems to be getting worse by the day. I think the fact I have a family will remove any sense of comfort. I'm dissatisfied and disappointed if this is where I end.

Doesn't having a family give you purpose? I'm 21 and I've always thought that meeting the right person and starting a family would give my life meaning. But I'm just stuck being alone, no friends even. Living at my parents place, because I'd have to spend most of my salary on rent if i wanted my own place. And my parents are also broke, while my cousins family is rich with multiple houses.

 

[saddavyd]

Doesn't having a family give you purpose? I'm 21 and I've always thought that meeting the right person and starting a family would give my life meaning. But I'm just stuck being alone, no friends even. Living at my parents place, because I'd have to spend most of my salary on rent if i wanted my own place. And my parents are also broke, while my cousins family is rich with multiple houses.

My family take care of themselves, being grown and independent. All I seem to do is cause them difficulty due to my state of mind.

Until I lost my son, my wife and family and life in general were my purpose, as you might expect. The loss and depression has sucked that all away. Again I've awoken with a sense of emptiness and thoughts of ending it all. It's wearing me down and I've had more than enough.

If I might comment on your situation, you could meet someone and then save together for a place of your own with two incomes.