Tired of feeling like shit all the time

[jamesLXIX]

every day feels the same it's not happy or sad but boring ig idk but I deal with wierd intrusive thoughts and dysphoria I don't want to be a girl there is just so much to deal with and people don't understand. People think being a girl is easy but comparing the lives of girls and boys is like comparing apples to oranges, i feel trapped in my body it's so nasty, i hate the society implications put onto me just because of how i was born. As for the intrusive thoughts, i will literally just be sitting somewhere doing something random and a ctb method will pop in my head and I'll go through the thoughts of figuring out the likely hood of it working and how painful it'll be for how long etc but it's scary to me because these thoughts are in detail like how it'll look when it happens and I'm kinda sensitive to that. But also i sometimes get frustrated by the fact there is not much available to me for methods?? Because i live in canada and my house/area is just super limiting for methods that would appeal to me. It makes me sorta mad kinda. I just want to die ngl but I can't tell anyone about it I don't think they would understand or take me seriously. The only way I can express wanting to die or feeling like shit is through jokes so people don't have to feel concerned or don't have to take me seriously. It's a cry for help honestly because I don't like the thought of dying like it's scary but I just don't want to live anymore. I'm scared that if I find a full proof almost painless way to die that's avaiIable to me I will use it the first chance I get. Also like i wish i could OD specifically but i don't really have drugs or anything like that near me that would kill me.. and if i do find a good method for me the most people will get as a hint to what I'm going to do is me joking about dying and being like "bye guys" in a dramatic joke. I also don't want to traumatize anyone however i die i don't want anyone ik to find my body. I'm sorry if this isn't super clear writing but I'm kinda bad at it.

I just have these wierd feelings these days that I don't know what to do with, honestly I'm scared of any actions I might take in the future because of these feelings..