Tired of being me

[tiredofthinking]

Hi, I'm 24 years and I feel like I fucked up my life. I'm black and gay and didn't really come from much but I always had this inner idea that I would figure it out. I grew up watching a lot of anime so of course Naruto and Simon were big influences to keep going.

After high school I tried college but dropped out because I just couldn't pay attention and focus (which has gotten worse) . I just felt really stupid and I'm more of a creative so I felt I should try to pursue that. So I spent a few years pursuing music but couldn't make money so I went down the solopreneur path and failed at like 5 different businesses.

Fast forward to the pandemic and I decided, fuck it, let's do porn. So I did and it went well after a while and I started bringing in money I'd never gotten close to before but I was not responsible with it. During this process I was still struggling with my depression and feelings that I'm disgusting and unworthy of life. Didn't help that I started dealing with stalkers in the midst of my depressive episodes. Which of course brought my anxiety up.

I'm now 35k in debt, have heavy anxiety, body dysmorphia, I'm homeless and just feel like dying. The worst part is I could ask some people for help like certain families members but they are kinda homophobic (even though tolerate me), it just feels like we never connected and I just can't bring myself to go to them which I know sounds crazy. I'm the oldest of like 9 kids so I've learned how to take care of myself but I'm just tired of living.

Parts of me want to hope but I'm getting very close to this being the end. I feel even more shitty because I know it'll hurt people but at the same time that dark voice says they'll get over it.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable just wishing to be free from everything as of course existing here certainly is so tiring. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[niv]

When I read your post, I found myself impressed by how much you have figured out and worked your way through in life.

The school system doesn't provide a good path for people like you with creative talent. I'm impressed that you identified those talents and pursued them, even if your businesses didn't work out financially. The vast majority of business don't, and it doesn't mean you did something wrong. Finding a job where you can make money takes trial and error and I'm impressed that you eventually found your way to a career where you could do both.

When I read your post I don't see the story of someone who fucked up their life, I see the story of someone resilient. You found a lot of ways to keep going when life didn't give you good options. It sounds like you are succeeding at your life goal of "figuring it out" by trying different things and changing the plan when things don't work out. But you are also getting hit with a lot of other shit and setbacks (which sucks - sorry about that). Stalkers, depression, debt, homelessness, and anxiety are all extremely adverse and challenging situations. It sounds like you don't have support from others and have had to do this all on your own. We all need that sort of help (especially when facing those sorts of challenges you describe).

Regarding seeking help - It doesn't sound crazy that you don't want to ask for support from family members who are homophobic. You deserve to be supported without judgment, and I wish you had someone who could do that for you. Asking for help is hard, especially if you're used to fending for yourself.

Is there anyone else who might be able to offer you support without judgment? If not, what would it be like living with the family members you mentioned for a time until you can find more stability?

 

[tiredofthinking]

When I read your post, I found myself impressed by how much you have figured out and worked your way through in life.

The school system doesn't provide a good path for people like you with creative talent. I'm impressed that you identified those talents and pursued them, even if your businesses didn't work out financially. The vast majority of business don't, and it doesn't mean you did something wrong. Finding a job where you can make money takes trial and error and I'm impressed that you eventually found your way to a career where you could do both.

When I read your post I don't see the story of someone who fucked up their life, I see the story of someone resilient. You found a lot of ways to keep going when life didn't give you good options. It sounds like you are succeeding at your life goal of "figuring it out" by trying different things and changing the plan when things don't work out. But you are also getting hit with a lot of other shit and setbacks (which sucks - sorry about that). Stalkers, depression, debt, homelessness, and anxiety are all extremely adverse and challenging situations. It sounds like you don't have support from others and have had to do this all on your own. We all need that sort of help (especially when facing those sorts of challenges you describe).

Regarding seeking help - It doesn't sound crazy that you don't want to ask for support from family members who are homophobic. You deserve to be supported without judgment, and I wish you had someone who could do that for you. Asking for help is hard, especially if you're used to fending for yourself.

Is there anyone else who might be able to offer you support without judgment? If not, what would it be like living with the family members you mentioned for a time until you can find more stability?

Thanks for your kind assessment, I feel like I'm not good enough to succeed anywhere hence why nothing lands. I tell myself maybe it's my charisma and confidence but then I just feel like more of a loser and a fake when I try to force it. Not really many options for me to go, most of the times I've crashed with people they tend to get annoyed with me and my depression telling me to just suck it up. I also don't know how long it would take me to get things in order so I wouldn't even know what to say. I hate not being able to have some kind of plan that I can believe in. Ever since I was a kid all I could think about was dying and now I feel it might be time

 

[90starve]

Hi, I'm 24 years and I feel like I fucked up my life. I'm black and gay and didn't really come from much but I always had this inner idea that I would figure it out. I grew up watching a lot of anime so of course Naruto and Simon were big influences to keep going.

After high school I tried college but dropped out because I just couldn't pay attention and focus (which has gotten worse) . I just felt really stupid and I'm more of a creative so I felt I should try to pursue that. So I spent a few years pursuing music but couldn't make money so I went down the solopreneur path and failed at like 5 different businesses.

Fast forward to the pandemic and I decided, fuck it, let's do porn. So I did and it went well after a while and I started bringing in money I'd never gotten close to before but I was not responsible with it. During this process I was still struggling with my depression and feelings that I'm disgusting and unworthy of life. Didn't help that I started dealing with stalkers in the midst of my depressive episodes. Which of course brought my anxiety up.

I'm now 35k in debt, have heavy anxiety, body dysmorphia, I'm homeless and just feel like dying. The worst part is I could ask some people for help like certain families members but they are kinda homophobic (even though tolerate me), it just feels like we never connected and I just can't bring myself to go to them which I know sounds crazy. I'm the oldest of like 9 kids so I've learned how to take care of myself but I'm just tired of living.

Parts of me want to hope but I'm getting very close to this being the end. I feel even more shitty because I know it'll hurt people but at the same time that dark voice says they'll get over it.

sounds like life has been tough for you - as it has for many of us here too. but i see how many different career paths you have tried - that's a very big achievement and show of strong character :)

im so sorry to read that your family aren't as supportive as they could be.
being gay is widely accepted now - do you have any other peers that you can rely on for support?

wishing you the best <3

 

[ChildrensITV]

Hi, I'm 24 years and I feel like I fucked up my life. I'm black and gay and didn't really come from much but I always had this inner idea that I would figure it out. I grew up watching a lot of anime so of course Naruto and Simon were big influences to keep going.


Parts of me want to hope but I'm getting very close to this being the end. I feel even more shitty because I know it'll hurt people but at the same time that dark voice says they'll get over it.

Sorry to hear that. It sounds like your life has been pretty shitty and you have tried to make the best of it. I know that feel. I don't know how I made it to my ripe old age without CTBing before now, but it seems that now the noose is tightening. I feel like, why should I struggle to support a life that I don't even want? All I have had is setback after setback and for what? Not to learn and grow but just to feel worse.