Tired, end of the road

[darknesscomesquick]

Sigh…so I did TMS and I am officially a "non-responder". My psychiatrist is recommending ECT now.

I'm tired. Tired of dealing with depression, tired of dealing with trauma. Tired of being told if I work on my trauma, that will cure my depression only to be told that my depression is standing in the way of me being able to work on the trauma. This is not a life worth living. It's actually anything but.

Therefore, it's time. Time to make real plans to ctb. They won't let me go back to work (I need medical clearance), they want me to be in residential treatment for 3 months, and for what? For this cycle to repeat in a few years? Again, how is that a life worth living?

I've lost my SN and my source. I need to figure out another method to escape this shit. Somethings gotta give and this time, it's me.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's certainly very much understandable wishing to be free from this existence that causes so much suffering, I wish you the best with your plans. I find it dreadful how there isn't a straightforward way to just permanently free ourselves from this existence in peace.

 

[darknesscomesquick]

It's certainly very much understandable wishing to be free from this existence that causes so much suffering, I wish you the best with your plans. I find it dreadful how there isn't a straightforward way to just permanently free ourselves from this existence in peace.

Why does it have to be so difficult to free ourselves from this pain? If it were easy to see—like cancer or even dementia, people would allow the suffering to end. If it's mental illness, it's all about finding a way to fix it. It's not fixable. I feel like I've put in a good faith effort to fix things and they just keep getting worse. Just let me be to die in peace already.

 

[todeswunsch]

I'm a similar boat as you.
Resistant to treatment, going to ECT but I don't believe it will help, like all other stuff. The trauma and depression are here to stay it seems.
They insist for me try keep trying, keep fighting. I feel like they are just delaying my inevitable fate.
Some people are beyond salvation it seems...
And, as our suffering wasn't enough, CTB is not an easy thing.

Hope the best for us.

 

[SVEN]

I know this feeling so very well, best wishes for getting out.

 

[darknesscomesquick]

I know this feeling so very well, best wishes for getting out.

Thank you. I don't see any other way to manage all of "this"…CPTSD, BPD, MDD, DID…what about that alphabet soup spells "life worth living"?

I agreed to the residential just to get them off my back. I Can see myself CTB'ing in the next few months. I feel like that gives me enough time to thoughtfully get a plan in place and really make it doable.

I cannot tell everyone here how much I appreciate your kindness and empathy. You all know what it's like to try to live with this shit and what the struggle is. After a while, the struggle wins. I give up. I can't keep fighting anymore. I can't try to get hopeful something is going to fix my brain and it's neurotransmitters. I think it's time to throw in the towel and just admit my brain can't be fixed. I just wish the pro-lifers in my life could see that too and just stop pushing.