Glad you're feeling good. How did you gain the confidence that your go through with your plan and thus feel ok quitting your job etc? You said you've been thinking of suicide for 15 yrs. how'd you reach certainty?
I've been thinking of it for 22 yrs! It has become MUCH more serious the past few months but it still feels out of reach somehow.
Hey, I gained the confidence because I just know in my heart and soul that I want to go. In the past, when I wanted to die, it wasn't on MY terms, it was my just running away from a stupid mistake I made, whether at work, or in life, and felt I had no way out. Case in point: in late 2013 I downed two bottles of sleeping pills and an entire bottle of moscato because I was running away from a mistake I made at a job that I was too scared to face. I was found, and, after a week in hospital, I recovered. This time, I'm not running from anything, I've made no mistakes, that's why this is different. This feels REAL to me. This time it's on MY terms.
I pushed hard for a job I wanted last fall, leaving a job I was comfortable at though unfulfilled. After 6 weeks of interviews and obsessing, I got the job, for decent money, more than I've made in a decade, only to find not long after beginning that the person I work for is a horrible human being, demeaning me and belittling me at every turn, treating me like utter trash despite my working hard, really hard, and giving this job my all. Two weeks ago, she even told me "I want you to sit in the back from now on," and basically leaving me there, ignoring me, and cutting me off from my staff, and talking behind my back. It sapped what will to live I had left, which was never that strong of a will to being with. This experience has left me sadder than I've felt in my entire life. Feeling like a total failure, a total.....failure.
Something in me just......snapped. Something in my just said....I'm tired. I'm tired and I want to be done. Oh, I can get another job, and continue to struggle, continue to come home to a GF that has not touched me in well over two years, who ignores my every attempt at trying to reignite "the spark." I can leave her and struggle on my own, or I can.....depart. Depart on MY OWN TERMS FOR ONCE. Depart my way.
With that in mind, I made my decision. I am leaving. Going out of business sale! Yes, I'll be leaving a cat behind, but I know she will take good care of him and he will be fine. She can sell my possessions and have a ton of money to live on for a while.
As for me.....I will leave here knowing I did it the way I wanted to do it. Partially suspended from my closet door, on an afternoon the first of May, when I have hours and hours to myself. Yes, it will be painful for others to find me that way, but for once, I will do something for myself.
Selfish? Perhaps, but the world will be better off without me. As for me, I will enjoy my last two weeks on earth. Finish this job with my head held high, take a few days off at home, and then.....it will be time to go. I'll get to see my favorite cat again. I'll get to see friends, family, and what lies beyond.
I'm at peace with this decision and I cannot wait, my focus over the next two weeks is to make sure I research this properly and do it correctly.
Sorry if this was long winded.
