I've decided that today is the day I am taking my N, a few hours from now. It's a few days earlier than I had planned, but I just can't hold on anymore. I have debilitating anxiety, OCD, panic attacks and depression. I can no longer leave my house, I can barely eat, I have no life at all. I held on so long because I love my family and partner. I know many people don't even have that, and I know I'm lucky in comparison to some people, but unfortunately none of that is enough to help my pathetic, cowardly, miserable life. I feel so guilty because I should have broken up with my partner to make it easier, but he convinced me to stay with him. He has a heart of gold and I despise myself for hurting him. My parents will be destroyed and I hate myself for doing this to them. I just can't take the pain anymore. I also have to do it in a house where I'm doing a pet sitting job, because I won't have a house alone otherwise. I feel so terrible for it, and I'm sorry to the owners, but I feel I have no choice. The pets will be okay, they have access food and water and they don't come downstairs where my room is. Sorry for writing all this detail, I guess I'm trying to just get my thoughts out. I tried meds, therapy, CBT, courses, programmes but I can't get better and I've had enough.
The plan is taking a stat dose of Maxolon (metoclopramide), but I'm not sure if I should do 30 or 40mg. I only own 7 x 10 tablets. I also have domperidone and ondansetron but it seems the meto is preferable, as they use in Dignitas. I've taken 10mg meto with no side effects so I hope that's a good indicator that it will not cause problems. I wait an hour and then consume the 2 bottles of N, and eat a piece of chocolate straight after. I'll lie down in bed and hopefully simply drift off into sleep and, ultimately, death. I have a note ready with separate ones for my family, partner and the couple of friends I have left. Does anyone know how much time I'll need to be alone? There's no one there for the next few days, but my partner may get suspicious if he doesn't hear from me by tonight and it's possible he would come over to the house but that won't be until quite late tonight after his training (the door will be locked of course). I could text him not to come over and that I want to be alone but again I don't want to rouse suspicion. I should have 6-8 hours if he did happen to come by, or much more if he doesn't.
I also want to say thank you all on this site for being so helpful and understanding. I have to say it's been an incredible relief to speak to people who believe we deserve the right to die on our own terms. I may not have posted a lot but I was always reading your stories. It's a shame we are in situations that cause us to want to end our lives in the first place, but this site has at least brought us all a bit of support. It personally brought me peace, calm and a feeling of safety somehow. I don't have many friends in real life, but felt we were all friends as a community. So thank you. Wish me luck!
The plan is taking a stat dose of Maxolon (metoclopramide), but I'm not sure if I should do 30 or 40mg. I only own 7 x 10 tablets. I also have domperidone and ondansetron but it seems the meto is preferable, as they use in Dignitas. I've taken 10mg meto with no side effects so I hope that's a good indicator that it will not cause problems. I wait an hour and then consume the 2 bottles of N, and eat a piece of chocolate straight after. I'll lie down in bed and hopefully simply drift off into sleep and, ultimately, death. I have a note ready with separate ones for my family, partner and the couple of friends I have left. Does anyone know how much time I'll need to be alone? There's no one there for the next few days, but my partner may get suspicious if he doesn't hear from me by tonight and it's possible he would come over to the house but that won't be until quite late tonight after his training (the door will be locked of course). I could text him not to come over and that I want to be alone but again I don't want to rouse suspicion. I should have 6-8 hours if he did happen to come by, or much more if he doesn't.
I also want to say thank you all on this site for being so helpful and understanding. I have to say it's been an incredible relief to speak to people who believe we deserve the right to die on our own terms. I may not have posted a lot but I was always reading your stories. It's a shame we are in situations that cause us to want to end our lives in the first place, but this site has at least brought us all a bit of support. It personally brought me peace, calm and a feeling of safety somehow. I don't have many friends in real life, but felt we were all friends as a community. So thank you. Wish me luck!
