bea_bivng
Catbun
- Jul 16, 2023
- 18
Yes me again.
Currently I do nothing, I just sleep, watch videos around and draw, I lost opportunities because of covid since my anxiety tripled and leaving the house was like a death sentence, talking to others was basically asking me to commit suicide.
i know a lot of people have said "you're young you still have time" but i feel like i'm behind, there are a lot of wonderful people out there doing amazing projects and especially autistic people being wonderful around the world, but me? I feel like a failure, they never encouraged me in drawings, only in studies (which I hated) and in ballet that due to a fracture I missed a performance and probably that made me even more depressed (I never danced again) I feel like I had a lot of potential, I learn very fast, I love new and fun things, I love to talk about everything that exists in the world, but I feel like I went wrong at some point and that I am behind in life.
I feel like I could have gone to university at 17 when I finished school, I could have started social media pages posting my drawings since I was 14, I could be famous and encourage people to find themselves and discover what they love, I wish I could have explored my artistic side before I went into burnout and couldn't get out of depressive cycles anymore, I love drawing and it relieves what I feel, but I never post anything and I just expect myself to be famous without any effort, so I start hating myself for not being able to achieve simple things, and I go into new depressive cycles.
I see that I will never be interesting if I continue like this, but I can't improve it is a bad trait of my personality, I feel afraid and ashamed of what I draw and there are so many better people than me out there that makes me feel that I am a mere grain of sand in so many wonderful people who do not measure efforts to be incredible.
But it's not just that, if I don't improve I won't be able to be the artist I want to be.
But there are obstacles in my life.
I'm an adult right? but they still treat me like a little girl of 14, I can't go out alone to the bakery, and if I want to go for a walk or go to a store I need a reason, I've never been able to go out with my friends or have dates and I've only had 1 that was a failure!
now that I see that living for me is breathing everything that is art, making art they want me to follow the life of an ordinary employee of some company or government agent, I know they want my good, but my dream was never to spend hours typing and copying documents, working overtime and wishing to have a good night's sleep to repeat this until retirement that I may not even get.
Of course I respect those who work hard to maintain our cities and the country, I will not belittle their jobs and their lives sacrificed for a minimum wage.
But it is not what I want for myself.
And that would be another reason for my cbt.
everyone at home expects me to be good at everything, to be able to do something good and work at something that I know will make them happy, they don't tell me to look for a job anymore, but I know it's stamped on their faces that they don't want a useless person at home, I've tried jobs in markets, stores and pharmacies, but with a weak resume like mine they never hire me.
maybe I like to complain or ramble on about events in my life too much since I've always been a big thinker who creates problems to think about. But it's exhausting to feel that pressure even if no one has said anything.
it seems like I've been pursued forever to be perfect, to be the first of everything even though I've never managed to be anything in life.
I feel sorry for the people who spent their money on me.
and now after being diagnosed with ASD it makes me feel a lot of humiliation for not having done anything, and I know there are people in shit like me but still this horrible feeling won't leave me, it's stuck to my skin like a second layer always there reminding me that I turned out to be a failure.
Currently I do nothing, I just sleep, watch videos around and draw, I lost opportunities because of covid since my anxiety tripled and leaving the house was like a death sentence, talking to others was basically asking me to commit suicide.
i know a lot of people have said "you're young you still have time" but i feel like i'm behind, there are a lot of wonderful people out there doing amazing projects and especially autistic people being wonderful around the world, but me? I feel like a failure, they never encouraged me in drawings, only in studies (which I hated) and in ballet that due to a fracture I missed a performance and probably that made me even more depressed (I never danced again) I feel like I had a lot of potential, I learn very fast, I love new and fun things, I love to talk about everything that exists in the world, but I feel like I went wrong at some point and that I am behind in life.
I feel like I could have gone to university at 17 when I finished school, I could have started social media pages posting my drawings since I was 14, I could be famous and encourage people to find themselves and discover what they love, I wish I could have explored my artistic side before I went into burnout and couldn't get out of depressive cycles anymore, I love drawing and it relieves what I feel, but I never post anything and I just expect myself to be famous without any effort, so I start hating myself for not being able to achieve simple things, and I go into new depressive cycles.
I see that I will never be interesting if I continue like this, but I can't improve it is a bad trait of my personality, I feel afraid and ashamed of what I draw and there are so many better people than me out there that makes me feel that I am a mere grain of sand in so many wonderful people who do not measure efforts to be incredible.
But it's not just that, if I don't improve I won't be able to be the artist I want to be.
But there are obstacles in my life.
I'm an adult right? but they still treat me like a little girl of 14, I can't go out alone to the bakery, and if I want to go for a walk or go to a store I need a reason, I've never been able to go out with my friends or have dates and I've only had 1 that was a failure!
now that I see that living for me is breathing everything that is art, making art they want me to follow the life of an ordinary employee of some company or government agent, I know they want my good, but my dream was never to spend hours typing and copying documents, working overtime and wishing to have a good night's sleep to repeat this until retirement that I may not even get.
Of course I respect those who work hard to maintain our cities and the country, I will not belittle their jobs and their lives sacrificed for a minimum wage.
But it is not what I want for myself.
And that would be another reason for my cbt.
everyone at home expects me to be good at everything, to be able to do something good and work at something that I know will make them happy, they don't tell me to look for a job anymore, but I know it's stamped on their faces that they don't want a useless person at home, I've tried jobs in markets, stores and pharmacies, but with a weak resume like mine they never hire me.
maybe I like to complain or ramble on about events in my life too much since I've always been a big thinker who creates problems to think about. But it's exhausting to feel that pressure even if no one has said anything.
it seems like I've been pursued forever to be perfect, to be the first of everything even though I've never managed to be anything in life.
I feel sorry for the people who spent their money on me.
and now after being diagnosed with ASD it makes me feel a lot of humiliation for not having done anything, and I know there are people in shit like me but still this horrible feeling won't leave me, it's stuck to my skin like a second layer always there reminding me that I turned out to be a failure.
