Venting Time I found peace/ready to go

[Thereisnothing]

I am so very desperate since last night and all morning been unable to function at all. I have reached conclusion that although I have not got a proven method to CTB, the one which appeals to me the most, is the one I am going to try after writing this post. I am too broken physically and emotionally to have strength to carry on anymore. Its just me against the world and the emptiness and grief and urge to be with loved ones in spirit is calling me. Physically I am worsening and have been ill so many years, just had enough. I kept on battling and living as still had one person left who loved and cared for me, sadly he went to spirit last month and that day I may as well had gone too.

I am scared and not sure how this attempt is going to turn out, buts its the one method I feel will suit me best, although not a very often used one. I dont wish to say what method it is. Not even sure why posting this, suppose I feel I have alot of support here since joined the beginning of the month and some truly wonderful people here and felt if I told someone I was going to do it, I mightn't feel so alone. One thing worries me is my body being left in house for days as got noone who would check on me...........how sad is that in itself. I think best option would be to leave front door open, then after few hours may arise suspicion.

I dont wish to go, yet dont wish to stay...............I am not on any psychotic drugs or anything but can clearly see loved ones beckoning me, so with this and also how I feel emotionally and physically, I believe today is the day. I would've liked to have seen the sea before I went, but too far away. Hopefully where I end up I can be with the oceans as often as I wish and also be with my loved ones. Its truly hell being here with noone.

Thank you all for your support and love, it will never be forgotten. I may not succeed and therefore will look a right fool............

 

[Shivani]

Please calm down, I am unable to find the right words but I am going through something similar. I can understand. Please feel hugged. Since morning I am replaying all memories of my SO. I am sorry you are feeling this way. Wishing you strength and peace.

 

[Inferdan]

I am so very desperate since last night and all morning been unable to function at all. I have reached conclusion that although I have not got a proven method to CTB, the one which appeals to me the most, is the one I am going to try after writing this post. I am too broken physically and emotionally to have strength to carry on anymore. Its just me against the world and the emptiness and grief and urge to be with loved ones in spirit is calling me. Physically I am worsening and have been ill so many years, just had enough. I kept on battling and living as still had one person left who loved and cared for me, sadly he went to spirit last month and that day I may as well had gone too.

I am scared and not sure how this attempt is going to turn out, buts its the one method I feel will suit me best, although not a very often used one. I dont wish to say what method it is. Not even sure why posting this, suppose I feel I have alot of support here since joined the beginning of the month and some truly wonderful people here and felt if I told someone I was going to do it, I mightn't feel so alone. One thing worries me is my body being left in house for days as got noone who would check on me...........how sad is that in itself. I think best option would be to leave front door open, then after few hours may arise suspicion.

I dont wish to go, yet dont wish to stay...............I am not on any psychotic drugs or anything but can clearly see loved ones beckoning me, so with this and also how I feel emotionally and physically, I believe today is the day. I would've liked to have seen the sea before I went, but too far away. Hopefully where I end up I can be with the oceans as often as I wish and also be with my loved ones. Its truly hell being here with noone.

Thank you all for your support and love, it will never be forgotten. I may not succeed and therefore will look a right fool............

I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish there was something I could do for you as you've done for me, but there is not much to be done.
I guess I bid you farewell. May you succeed and find the peace that you need and deserve, whether it be in a sea of clouds or the cool night sky.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you're suffering, @Thereisnothing. I hope you'll be careful, and that you find what you need as you move forward with your choices. You will certainly not be any kind of fool if you return; we'll be here to welcome you. (((Hugs)))

The Heart Sutra

A year ago I posted my chanting of the Heart Sutra in english on this site. It was warmly appreciated by many, but I have decided to replace it by 2 different versions: The Nalanda commitee transla…

vajrasound.com

 

[BasedGod]

I am so very desperate since last night and all morning been unable to function at all. I have reached conclusion that although I have not got a proven method to CTB, the one which appeals to me the most, is the one I am going to try after writing this post. I am too broken physically and emotionally to have strength to carry on anymore. Its just me against the world and the emptiness and grief and urge to be with loved ones in spirit is calling me. Physically I am worsening and have been ill so many years, just had enough. I kept on battling and living as still had one person left who loved and cared for me, sadly he went to spirit last month and that day I may as well had gone too.

I am scared and not sure how this attempt is going to turn out, buts its the one method I feel will suit me best, although not a very often used one. I dont wish to say what method it is. Not even sure why posting this, suppose I feel I have alot of support here since joined the beginning of the month and some truly wonderful people here and felt if I told someone I was going to do it, I mightn't feel so alone. One thing worries me is my body being left in house for days as got noone who would check on me...........how sad is that in itself. I think best option would be to leave front door open, then after few hours may arise suspicion.

I dont wish to go, yet dont wish to stay...............I am not on any psychotic drugs or anything but can clearly see loved ones beckoning me, so with this and also how I feel emotionally and physically, I believe today is the day. I would've liked to have seen the sea before I went, but too far away. Hopefully where I end up I can be with the oceans as often as I wish and also be with my loved ones. Its truly hell being here with noone.

Thank you all for your support and love, it will never be forgotten. I may not succeed and therefore will look a right fool............

I hope you get to reunite with your loved one in the afterlife, i'm sure you will. Have a peaceful journey. I'll soon be on my way after you, if you see me coming please help guide me.

 

[faust]

If it is your decision, then let it be your decision. You deserve calm and peaceful way out of this world. I hope the bus will take you away to the place where you will rest. Sending my love and hugs
Even if you do not succeed this time, you are always welcome there and loved!

 

[TheLastGoodbye]

I'm so sorry for your loss and what you have gone/are going through. We're always here for you if you change your mind or it doesn't work out, but if you really must go, I wish you a safe and peaceful journey.

 

[voyager]

When you first came on here I thought you'd probably leave us again soon, then you said you wouldn't, so now I'm not sure what to make of it. It's sudden, but not too late to go and see the sea. Maybe just buy a ticket and go? Fly if you must. But only you can decide what's best for you and I hope whatever it is you have planned will indeed lead you to a better place and the peace you seek.

PS: This is stupid, but have always wanted to drag up your shower thread, seemed way too familiar, but never did, and I guess this is a good a time as any to tell you how sorry I am about your loss. Best of luck to you.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry that life has been really shitty towards you and wish that you are able to find peace. I would think about the method you are going to attempt and not rush it in order to increase the chances of success.

 

[Ghost2211]

I hope you find relief. You're in my thoughts and heart. if You change your mind or don't succeed we will be here for you with open arms.

 

[MsMaudlin]

Surrounding you with love and strength ❤

 

[jgm63]

Wishing you safe travels to somewhere beautiful......

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I wish for you peace in whatever you decide.

 

[ElMow]

Wishing you peace.

 

[Thereisnothing]

UPDATE- Just to let you guys know I am still here. I did go through with my attempt to find peace, but it didn't work out and wanted to put everyone's minds at rest soon as could get back on computer. The method I tried was the only one I had thought would try one day unless found another. I was able to drink some of it and did start working and making me spaced out and peaceful, but the pain started worse for me physically and then decided to stop. I didn't know how much would have to take to have proper results and was scared to continue in case really made myself worse and my health/body is bad enough without other effects.
I am in feeling very sick and confused but am ok, the effects will wear off............I have just read everyones kind words and feel very humbled. I also feel a bit of a dill saying was 'off' and yet am back again. Although to be honest wasn't sure if would work anyway. I do believe had I ingested enough of it, that would've taken my life. Something, is keeping me here still..............the agony of living is unbareable but going to peace isn't very easy to attain.

Trying to get plenty of water down me to clean system and also got windows open let fresh air in, hopefully pick up soon, rather spaced out. Thank you all for caring, guess it wasn't my time to go............perhaps I can work out how to carry on and hope I can at least be of some help/support to everyone here, as I have found SS an incredible place to come and be myself. Thank you all for caring

 

[ElMow]

Sending love .....

 

[Thereisnothing]

I hope you get to reunite with your loved one in the afterlife, i'm sure you will. Have a peaceful journey. I'll soon be on my way after you, if you see me coming please help guide me.

It didn't work out, I had to stop my attempt...........I will be here to help guide you through in this very hard life, maybe if I have hung on you can too and find a glimmer of hope. xx

 

[jgm63]

Take some rest, and regroup.
Then you can take your time and carefully replan whatever you wish to do next.
We're with you all the way...

 

[Thereisnothing]

Take some rest, and regroup.
Then you can take your time and carefully replan whatever you wish to do next.
We're with you all the way...

Thank you xx I do feel abit of a fool though!

 

[Shivani]

May be you could go to the sea sometime now...,

 

[jgm63]

Thank you xx I do feel abit of a fool though!

Well, it's not exactly a trivial matter is it, so no need really....

 

[Thereisnothing]

May be you could go to the sea sometime now...,

That would be great but am so ill physically, travelling far is not easy.......but one lives in hope, however small.

 

[voyager]

Never sure if this is appropriate, but glad you're back and hope you'll feel better soon.

 

[Ghost2211]

Are you willing to tell us what you took? There is no judgment here. I'm worried thar you'll have permanent damage without medical attention from certain things. You can pm me if you dont want to say it publicly.

 

[itsmeagain]

UPDATE- Just to let you guys know I am still here. I did go through with my attempt to find peace, but it didn't work out and wanted to put everyone's minds at rest soon as could get back on computer. The method I tried was the only one I had thought would try one day unless found another. I was able to drink some of it and did start working and making me spaced out and peaceful, but the pain started worse for me physically and then decided to stop. I didn't know how much would have to take to have proper results and was scared to continue in case really made myself worse and my health/body is bad enough without other effects.
I am in feeling very sick and confused but am ok, the effects will wear off............I have just read everyones kind words and feel very humbled. I also feel a bit of a dill saying was 'off' and yet am back again. Although to be honest wasn't sure if would work anyway. I do believe had I ingested enough of it, that would've taken my life. Something, is keeping me here still..............the agony of living is unbareable but going to peace isn't very easy to attain.

Trying to get plenty of water down me to clean system and also got windows open let fresh air in, hopefully pick up soon, rather spaced out. Thank you all for caring, guess it wasn't my time to go............perhaps I can work out how to carry on and hope I can at least be of some help/support to everyone here, as I have found SS an incredible place to come and be myself. Thank you all for caring

Sweetheart, I know it's the hardest choice. It takes so much to even come close to doing something like that, and I'm sure so many goddamn people that you know and don't know are so happy. The second I saw this post I ctrl+F and typed your username hoping for an update, or to hear what happened. It is pro choice, but I'm glad you're still here. Please get some water and eat your favorite snack. I know it may not feel like it helps, as there was a time for 2 weeks after a tragedy I couldn't taste anything, but please find your peace <3

 

[Thereisnothing]

Never sure if this is appropriate, but glad you're back and hope you'll feel better soon.

Thank you Voyager, yes its appropriate in my case for you to say glad I'm back and means such alot to hear those words. Its a horrid feeling, this not wanting to be around and yet its so hard trying to go on to the next world. I suppose when I am meant to go when my time is naturally up it will be a whole lot easier. Just feels like cant keep going, you know, but have no idea at all now how would end my life anyway, cos method I chose today was only one I had any sort of faith in and thought might be ok. I think if I'd have taken alot more of what did I could well have passed, but couldn't risk it.

Are you willing to tell us what you took? There is no judgment here. I'm worried thar you'll have permanent damage without medical attention from certain things. You can pm me if you dont want to say it publicly.

I'd rather not say what I took, not that am ashamed or anything, its just that for my own ethics I wouldn't want to give anyone any ideas in case someone then decided to give it a go. I would then feel guilty, if that makes sense. Regards permanent damage, please dont worry, I am confident no long term damage is done, if did think was then would seek medical help. I stopped the process before things got too out of hand so to speak. Thank you for caring about me.

Sweetheart, I know it's the hardest choice. It takes so much to even come close to doing something like that, and I'm sure so many goddamn people that you know and don't know are so happy. The second I saw this post I ctrl+F and typed your username hoping for an update, or to hear what happened. It is pro choice, but I'm glad you're still here. Please get some water and eat your favorite snack. I know it may not feel like it helps, as there was a time for 2 weeks after a tragedy I couldn't taste anything, but please find your peace <3

Thankyou for your kind words, its comforting to know there are so many caring people here. I am the same when someone is actively wishing to pass, it worries me greatly and always on tenterhooks to follow updates. I believe its our own choice at end the day, but would prefer for people to live. It was a hard choice for me to make today to go ahead with it and the also pull back after awhile of starting the process as got even more scared of outcome. I am going to have an early night and hoping the rest might do me some good. xx

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I've only just seen your this thread @Thereisnothing . Had me reading down with baited breath. I'm so relieved you are okay and still with us.
What you must have been through is awful. I remember when I attempted four years ago. No matter how certain I was this was what I needed I just couldn't do it. And after failing I was distraught.
I'm so sorry this is your reality. You must have so many confusing emotions right now.
My pms are ever open if you want to talk.
Bit I'm so glad you are still around.

 

[Thereisnothing]

I've only just seen your this thread @Thereisnothing . Had me reading down with baited breath. I'm so relieved you are okay and still with us.
What you must have been through is awful. I remember when I attempted four years ago. No matter how certain I was this was what I needed I just couldn't do it. And after failing I was distraught.
I'm so sorry this is your reality. You must have so many confusing emotions right now.
My pms are ever open if you want to talk.
Bit I'm so glad you are still around.

Ah you will make me cry. You are right I am having very confusing emotions now, more so than usual. I am going to have an early night and see if tomorrow will dawn any brighter. I know nothing will change obviously as my circumstances are so difficult and hard to bare, BUT I do try and find glimmer of hope, however small if I can and also try and encourage others to do so. I wonder if I attempted today for a reason, maybe I had to try it out and now its failed then least I know its not now a method for me in the future.I am sure will have learnt some lessons here today, even if cant see them yet. Thank you for caring about me, to know you are glad I am still around, makes my heart feel warm and tingly and that is very important when one feels so low.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Ah you will make me cry. You are right I am having very confusing emotions now, more so than usual. I am going to have an early night and see if tomorrow will dawn any brighter. I know nothing will change obviously as my circumstances are so difficult and hard to bare, BUT I do try and find glimmer of hope, however small if I can and also try and encourage others to do so. I wonder if I attempted today for a reason, maybe I had to try it out and now its failed then least I know its not now a method for me in the future.I am sure will have learnt some lessons here today, even if cant see them yet. Thank you for caring about me, to know you are glad I am still around, makes my heart feel warm and tingly and that is very important when one feels so low.

Bless you. Now I'm tearing up too! You are much valued here. I hope you get some sleep. You are right, it'll all be there tomorrow. And tomorrow we will go into battle again. Exhausted and with broken armour but still fighting another day.