monetpompo
૮ • ﻌ - ა
- Apr 21, 2025
- 147
wauaghh!! waaauhhh!!!
I feel ugly, I'm gaining weight, my sleep is bad, I'm dehydrated, I have acne, and I have no money. I want to die. I want to die so I flail around angrily in my room and bite down on my arms and hit myself. I watch my leg fat jiggle as I hit my thighs and I get more angry and want to hit myself more. I feel numb after hitting myself and want to do it more. I want stimuli. I want to feel like a person and I want to be acknowledged for my pain, even though my pain is really just unemployed. I don't want to do anything that makes me happy. I don't want to try anymore.
I want to stop gaining weight and I want to have money to support my family so my mom isn't constantly asking the bank for loans. These feelings hurt all of the time and when I think of them I get overwhelmed and just want to hit myself over and over in an ugly, writhing way. I don't feel like a human being anymore. I just want to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. I watched a video about homelessness today and it made me anxious because I think about running away from home a lot. Running away would just make me more of a burden, and I would probably just be given back to my parents by the police because I don't have a car to run away with. I want to die soon, but I have to kill myself to do that. I'm not completely miserable, but I know my life isn't actually going anywhere with how little money I have and how little my parents have. I'm jealous of everyone and get spiteful when someone's happier than me. I want to ruin everything I have. I want to go outside and break my laptop and not be able to replace it. I want to get rid of the digital cameras I bought but don't use because I don't go outside. I want to break everything I own and then get called a spoiled child that doesn't appreciate anything I have. I want to have control, but I don't. I don't have the freedom to do much of anything.
Everything is out of my control. I want to beg people to tell me they hate me so I can feel like I'm not being delusional when I think everyone secretly hates me. For some reason, I think that would make me feel better. I hate when people are nice to me because I want to be called insane and annoying to be around like how I feel. I just don't want to be such a disgusting, lonely, angry person anymore. I want someone stronger than me to hurt me and to regret how much pain I'm in afterwards. I want someone to see how little value I contribute to the world and start beating me up because I deserve it. I hate my skin and my body and my voice when I get angry. I'm like a squeaking animal pretending to be something capable of experiencing human emotion. I am a caricature of a person. I want to be understood, but I don't understand myself. I don't understand what I'm going through or why I feel like this. I think some people don't deserve to be alive when they take everything for granted like me.
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