Lamentice
Sayonara
- Mar 27, 2023
- 51
My initial plan was to ctb at the end of summer, but life has decided to fuck me over even more.
The place I work is closing down, so my job is gone, this was pretty unexpected. We were given a fair advanced notice I guess, I've been applying and looking for jobs, but it's difficult for me. I don't have energy ever, I don't have motivation ever, I don't have much say over what I do, my body would rather sit and rot in bed for days instead of eat or shower or anything. The jobs I have applied to have either not responded, cancelled interviews before I even got a chance, told me their position was filled (even though a job listing was still up), etc. I've had no luck. And I'm not applying to anything nice, I don't have skills or education or qualifications, the only jobs available to me are entry-level. Retail & food service jobs and yet nothing.
My savings is incredibly small since I've only been able to save money recently. My food stamps are getting taken away--the pandemic benefits were stripped and it knocked down my food stamps to an amount that won't even cover one grocery trip. There's no people to lean on for me. No family to go to, I've cut off most my family. I'm not local to this place & since I've lived here (which admittedly has been a few years but nonetheless) I've made no friends. I suppose I could apply for unemployment, but I believe you only make 60% of what your income was, and that wasn't even a livable wage and now my food stamps are gone--it won't even be rent or food, I won't be able to afford rent on 60% of what I was making.
I'm completely overwhelmed, I'm just completely beaten down. I'm not fully prepared to ctb, the method I have is a rope to partially hang & I was hoping maybe I could prepare a more peaceful & reliable option over summer. But I don't know if I can make it over summer. Homelessness is something I've stressed about endlessly the past few years especially, because my financials have never felt stable & my living situations have been mostly fucking awful. Living with horrible people until I got lucky for once and found someplace really small that I could afford just by myself. Life just won't let me have one moment to breathe, not one moment. If homelessness becomes a guarantee--which I'll know pretty soon--I've just gotta go.
It sucks. I wanted this to be in my control. My timeline.. my process. But now I'm unsure if I'll even get that.
The place I work is closing down, so my job is gone, this was pretty unexpected. We were given a fair advanced notice I guess, I've been applying and looking for jobs, but it's difficult for me. I don't have energy ever, I don't have motivation ever, I don't have much say over what I do, my body would rather sit and rot in bed for days instead of eat or shower or anything. The jobs I have applied to have either not responded, cancelled interviews before I even got a chance, told me their position was filled (even though a job listing was still up), etc. I've had no luck. And I'm not applying to anything nice, I don't have skills or education or qualifications, the only jobs available to me are entry-level. Retail & food service jobs and yet nothing.
My savings is incredibly small since I've only been able to save money recently. My food stamps are getting taken away--the pandemic benefits were stripped and it knocked down my food stamps to an amount that won't even cover one grocery trip. There's no people to lean on for me. No family to go to, I've cut off most my family. I'm not local to this place & since I've lived here (which admittedly has been a few years but nonetheless) I've made no friends. I suppose I could apply for unemployment, but I believe you only make 60% of what your income was, and that wasn't even a livable wage and now my food stamps are gone--it won't even be rent or food, I won't be able to afford rent on 60% of what I was making.
I'm completely overwhelmed, I'm just completely beaten down. I'm not fully prepared to ctb, the method I have is a rope to partially hang & I was hoping maybe I could prepare a more peaceful & reliable option over summer. But I don't know if I can make it over summer. Homelessness is something I've stressed about endlessly the past few years especially, because my financials have never felt stable & my living situations have been mostly fucking awful. Living with horrible people until I got lucky for once and found someplace really small that I could afford just by myself. Life just won't let me have one moment to breathe, not one moment. If homelessness becomes a guarantee--which I'll know pretty soon--I've just gotta go.
It sucks. I wanted this to be in my control. My timeline.. my process. But now I'm unsure if I'll even get that.
