Thread for members in their 30s

[Bzrluvtriangle]

I notice there are a lot of people in their 20s and some in their 40s and just wanted to create a thread for those in their 30s. I find it comforting talking to people my own age and finding out what is motivating you to want to CTB. I am not in a good situation right now. I live with my mom and have been having difficulty finding a job lately. I´ve been separated from my husband for about three years now, but I still haven´t gotten divorced. Life doesn´t seem to be getting better as I get older. I have everything I need to CTB now, but I am terrified of dying and scared it will be painful. I´m okay with being dead though. My mom is my best friend and that´s another reason why I don't know if I'll be able to CTB. I know it would be devastating for her.

 

[greencoat111]

I'm also in my 30's and can relate a lot to your post. As for what makes me want to ctb, I've had a really bad few years and have had really bad luck in both friendships and relationships, my last relationship was with a narcissist and that was when I first started having suicidal thoughts.
I also never wanted to follow the life script of getting married and having kids so have further felt isolated because of that. My mom is also one of my best friends and thats probably the main reason thats stopping me from ctb

 

[Bzrluvtriangle]

I too was with a narcissist. Well, at least I thought he was one. I still do think so in actuality, but we are on good terms now.

 

[Lady black]

I´m also in my 30s. So you stay alive for your mum? It´s not good to stay alive for any other. You are afraid of pain? Which method did you choose? Sad that you can´t be with your husband. How long have you been married to him?

 

[Bzrluvtriangle]

I purchased SN, but I'm too afraid to use it. I'm scared I'll call emergency services right after I do it. I also am scared of having a seizure as I had one when I donated blood once and it wasn't fun. I don´t fear death but the twenty minutes before passing out terrify me. I wish I could get N, but I don't have the money or the energy for that right now. I just wish I could have a heart attack so that my death would look natural for my mom. It would still be sad for her, but not quite as sad as suicide.

 

[Lady black]

That´s so sad. I will go with hanging. Maybe you should look for someone to die with, cause then it could be easier for you if you can share this last 20 minutes with someone else instead of being alone

 

[EndlessVoid]

Nice to see so many people that get along with their moms. My relationship with mine is not very good, but that is not a problem now.
I'm about to turn 30, but I've made a promisse to myself that I won't let that happen.
I've struggled my entire life against depression and my family, so now I have nothing: No career, no good-job, no house of my own (still live with my parents), no hopes for the future. Too late to get a first decent job in my field, and too tired to try something else.
I do have a lovely and caring boyfriend, and that is the only thing that scares me: how he is going to deal with it. But I think I should do it because, in the end, it will be better for him to be free to live his life without a depressive person next to him limiting his life.
There is no future in a relationship when there is no future for you.

 

[imagineit]

I am early 30s. I too was waiting for a parent, but this was wrong on my part. I now have a small bottle of sn and this will be my last year on earth. I can appreciate someone enduring for family or a friend or whatever. I think I can appreciate any sort of well intended human behavior, ultimately. I hope everyone gets to where they need to be.

 

[porfin1234]

Im in my 30s too. I've been depressed all my life never really managed to be productive and get myself to do much until last year. Messed that up and my career so bad now... I wonder if I've just been lazy and that is the root of all my problems. My life's been full of blessings. I don't know why I used to take things so seriously and be down. I wish I knew then what I know now. One thing to mope when life is perfectly fine but now I've screwed with my career and home... and finances... and i see no way out.

 

[jrums]

I'm 38 and my life has been one either physical or mental health problem. Many caused by prescription drugs supposed to help. Botttom line is I was an OCD, anxious mess that started SSRIs and benzos. Took Accutane and got severe Crohn's. Stuck at home most of my 20's. Had my benzos and opiates to keep me company. Cipro caused me nerve damage. Another antibiotic casued C-Diff, which could have killed me. Now I wish it did. Shitty death though. Literally lol.
Anyway stuck at home, going nowhere and on and off meds my whole life. After a bad breakup with a female narcissist I took Prozac again for a few short weeks. After stopping I developed PSSD, emotional numbing, genital and body numbing, severe insomnia, genital shrinkage, cognitive issues, dry skin, etc. A neuroendocrine nightmare.
I too live with my mother and am only alive for her. She's the most caring person in the world and will be devastated by my death. I've been through a lot but this is too much. This is a brain, nerve, and body damage caused by a drug supposed to help my mental illness. This is a million times worse. I love my mom and have good friends and family but enough is enough. My dad is more understanding. He's aware of my plan, as is my psychologist, and a few others. Everyone understands that this loss of humanity is too much. I was at my step-sister's funeral yesterday. Known her my whole life, great person but didn't feel a thing. Same with a close friend who overdosed. Just no emotions whatsoever. That part of my brain is gone. Just awful. A chemical lobotomy.
Anyway I bought my SN and am planning for a few months. If not for my concern for my mom it would be done. And with no emotions there is no fear so at least there is that.

 

[BuddyinBlack]

Hey there, I've just turned 34 so in the same boat. For me my mental health started declining as a teenager and been in the system ever since. I've seen that many professionals, therapy and I've tried so hard to make life worthwhile.

I've never had a relationship longer than like two weeks. All my siblings are married, work full time, have kids etc and stable life's in that respect. I feel so so lonely.

ive tried so hard to meet friends by attending groups, going back to university and stuff. I've tried so hard that past the point of no return. I've had a lot of suicidal ideation in my life and taken a lot of overdosed but I want something concretE now I know there is no hope.

Pretty settled on my method and my close friend took her life a few weeks ago. We both supported each other as much as we could be in the end I think we maybe aren't meant to be here, so I'll follow on.

 

[Painless_end]

Will turn 31 this March. Life is horrible. No job, not able to do one. Not mental issues per se, just mental weakness.

No other interests or hobbies. INFP. Live with parents. They are constantly worried, have to keep reassuring them that I am looking out for my future, when actually I am lowkey CTB.

 

[porfin1234]

I had one really good year recently. And then I managed to sabotage everything I worked for. And now I'm here. Just took 32 years to finally screw with my livelihood.
Suicidal ideation in the past was a joke.
Now... yea not so much.

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

Hello, another here, early 30's. I've been mentally fucked up for the half of my life. Depression, anxiety, AvPD. I'm getting closer to the 10 year mark of being a NEET. I'm just existing and not living. I graduated during the last recession and never managed to get a job.

 

[Daffodil]

Funny how many of us live w our parents. I was lowkey bipolar until I had a psychotic episode that lasted about a year. Then I had a bipolar low that lasted about a year. Meds meds meds, ramping them up a little at a time. Have been through so much trauma in my whole life I'm having trouble moving forward. Being with a string of narcissistic abusers at a young age during key development periods when I could have been building a positive foundation for my life. I would say I have severe ptsd at this point. Wish I was a happier person, because I know life has a lot to offer, but I've never really enjoyed it beyond fleeting moments. I think my happiest moments have been playing sports but I haven't had the energy for much of that lately.

 

[littleflower88]

31 and spent 13 years with depression anxiety and PTSD, only here until I can rationally talk to my family about my plans. Got the worst news this evening that my abuser has no restrictions which means he is free to walk up and down in front of my house any time he wishes. The justice system is f***ed up.

 

[R_N]

I thought I will never live to see 30 but here I am. Life is hell and I am trying to build determination and courage to end it. Things are only getting worse for me as years pass by, I am just torturing myself by living. Taking my own life proves to be a hard task even if it is the only option for me to be at peace. I can't live like this and I can't take my own life yet. I am stuck in hell. For now.

 

[Xaphous]

Hello, another here, early 30's. I've been mentally fucked up for the half of my life. Depression, anxiety, AvPD. I'm getting closer to the 10 year mark of being a NEET. I'm just existing and not living. I graduated during the last recession and never managed to get a job.

Same here turning 30 soon and never worked, never had a relationship, no friendship, isolated my entire life...avpd. Refused diagnosis.

 

[jrums]

Same here turning 30 soon and never worked, never had a relationship, no friendship, isolated my entire life...avpd. Refused diagnosis.

Totally understand. I was pretty much avpd before getting hit in my 30s with PSSD. Even dropped out of high school because of anxiety. Couldn't hold a job, had very few"relationships" ,if you can call them that, despite not being the worst looking guy. So many blown opportunities. Ended up with addiction problems and isolated even more after getting Crohn's from Accutane. And now to finally to be done in by the medication supposed to help the OCD and anxiety. I would say this life has been a disaster. And thank you big pharma for making a bad situation even worse.

 

[RedFive]

Funny how many of us live w our parents. I was lowkey bipolar until I had a psychotic episode that lasted about a year. Then I had a bipolar low that lasted about a year. Meds meds meds, ramping them up a little at a time. Have been through so much trauma in my whole life I'm having trouble moving forward. Being with a string of narcissistic abusers at a young age during key development periods when I could have been building a positive foundation for my life. I would say I have severe ptsd at this point. Wish I was a happier person, because I know life has a lot to offer, but I've never really enjoyed it beyond fleeting moments. I think my happiest moments have been playing sports but I haven't had the energy for much of that lately.

I'm really sorry for what you've been through. It can strike anyone Daffodil. Mental illness is a disease that can't show up on a scan therefore not many people take it seriously or know what to do.

from the outside people would look at me and think I have my shit together. Have my own place, great job and seem like a happy outgoing person. Different story on the inside through. I'm similar to you where I don't find much enjoyment in anything anymore apart from sports.

also for the purpose of the thread, became a member of the 30s club last year.

 

[dandan]

Me too, I'm 37, spent 20 years "depressed" trying to solve and understand how to get better...
Finally six months ago I found Testosterone and now I dont "feel" depressed... however as I find it difficult to succeed as an employee because I dont learn computer skills , because I won't practice , that's the truth .. I dont practice because I feel I'm bad at it ... but I got no other professional skill... I'm a programmer from last era.. and I'm not very good...

Trying to figure life out after depression
Besides with the opposite sex I have not found someone steady because i dont know how to behave or even believe in myself, so I'm the cause my relationships go broke, friends or sentimental

I'm out of depression into the natural obstacles of life ....

 

[AlreadyGone]

36 years of age and have been depressed on and off for the last decade. I recently came to the realization that I simply have not been happy for a very long time. I know what the cause of my depression is and have spent the better part of the last decade trying to improve my life and resolve the problem.

Sadly, due to a recent incident that have occurred last year, I came to the realization that this problem has not been solved and will most likely never will. I try to maintain hope even though it appears to be hopeless at this point.

 

[Daffodil]

I'm really sorry for what you've been through. It can strike anyone Daffodil. Mental illness is a disease that can't show up on a scan therefore not many people take it seriously or know what to do.

from the outside people would look at me and think I have my shit together. Have my own place, great job and seem like a happy outgoing person. Different story on the inside through. I'm similar to you where I don't find much enjoyment in anything anymore apart from sports.

also for the purpose of the thread, became a member of the 30s club last year.

I'm actually coming to the realization that maybe life is really just cruel and the people who enjoy it are better at deluding themselves. I have come closing to having my shit together, had some really great job interviews, and in those pivotal moments I realized I probably would have been unhappy with them anyway.

I'm really challenging myself not to beat myself up about this. I think people who are depressed or suicidal probably see the world closer to how it actually is. Maybe there's a system where those who can't play along with the game get sorted out.

 

[can'tdoitanymore]

I'm in my 30s. My reason to CTB also comes from an abusive marriage with a narcissist. He was actually the person who pressured me to kill myself before i was ever suicidal. It took a long time to work out what was going on and get over the denial that he had been abusing me for years but now I have PTSD and even after divorcing him I can't bear the pain, nightmares and anxiety. I also think the desperation to end the pain has turned me into a bad person so it's better for everyone if i am gone. I really don't think I used to be but I definitely am now.

 

[Soulstax]

I'm in my 30s, was living a half decent life, recently completely ruined everything and will ctb as soon as SN gets here. Sort of excited about all this being over once and for all.