![PinballWizard39](/data/avatars/l/92/92861.jpg?1724864273)
PinballWizard39
Experienced
- May 3, 2024
- 219
I guess it comes as no surprise that if I'm on this website, I'm in a pretty dark place. That place has become darker over the last few months and I just don't think I have it in me to carry on. Whilst it's no secret I struggle with ambivalence, that doesn't take away how serious I am. A few days ago I was forced to admit by professionals that I had plans that included researching, buying SN, storing it and prepping to CTB. A few weeks back I was trying to get support from their helpline and got frustrated because the woman was downplaying how I felt. I ended up blurting out that I had bought SN in all but name. I regretted it immediately, and thankfully it looked like no one was bothered. From what I gather, it was noted and someone looked through my notes a few days ago and realised that was never followed up on and so as a result, I've ended up with the crisis team. They've said that they need to try and manage my risk and will come see me every other day and possibly brings worksheets for me to work on. It's ridiculous. It actually just confirms to me that there is nothing anyone can do and no one seems bothered if I want to end my life.
Today has been weird. Every motion I've done, it's felt like the last time I'll be doing x, y and z. I had a half day at work and I just found myself saying goodbye to people in my mind, wondering what they'd say when they hear the news that I'm not here anymore. I've been restricting my food/fluid intake to practically nothing and take meto just on the 'safe side'. I'm not 100% that I'll do it today, but the percentage has to be in the 90's.
I made one last attempt to try and see if there was some help this afternoon. I told the crisis team I wasn't safe, and all I got was 'distraction techniques', and 'just get through til tomorrow and we'll come see you'. Why? What for? What am I hanging on in there for? My depression never goes away, merely fluctuates. There is no pay off for distraction anymore, just more suffering that nobody can take away. I done with all the 'maintenance' techniques (distraction, self care etc), it's either I get better or nothing. It's been 27 fucking years. Haven't I fought enough?
Taking me out of the situation for a moment, how shit is it that the crisis teams can know all the details like this, and yet still be fine with saying 'see you tomorrow' - you'll be lucky. Every conversation with you reinforces why I just can't do this anymore or much longer.
Whilst I haven't named this site, I am still paranoid they might come to find my posts. Then again, you never know, they might actually not be all that bothered.
Today has been weird. Every motion I've done, it's felt like the last time I'll be doing x, y and z. I had a half day at work and I just found myself saying goodbye to people in my mind, wondering what they'd say when they hear the news that I'm not here anymore. I've been restricting my food/fluid intake to practically nothing and take meto just on the 'safe side'. I'm not 100% that I'll do it today, but the percentage has to be in the 90's.
I made one last attempt to try and see if there was some help this afternoon. I told the crisis team I wasn't safe, and all I got was 'distraction techniques', and 'just get through til tomorrow and we'll come see you'. Why? What for? What am I hanging on in there for? My depression never goes away, merely fluctuates. There is no pay off for distraction anymore, just more suffering that nobody can take away. I done with all the 'maintenance' techniques (distraction, self care etc), it's either I get better or nothing. It's been 27 fucking years. Haven't I fought enough?
Taking me out of the situation for a moment, how shit is it that the crisis teams can know all the details like this, and yet still be fine with saying 'see you tomorrow' - you'll be lucky. Every conversation with you reinforces why I just can't do this anymore or much longer.
Whilst I haven't named this site, I am still paranoid they might come to find my posts. Then again, you never know, they might actually not be all that bothered.