Story Thoughts

[PinballWizard39]

I guess it comes as no surprise that if I'm on this website, I'm in a pretty dark place. That place has become darker over the last few months and I just don't think I have it in me to carry on. Whilst it's no secret I struggle with ambivalence, that doesn't take away how serious I am. A few days ago I was forced to admit by professionals that I had plans that included researching, buying SN, storing it and prepping to CTB. A few weeks back I was trying to get support from their helpline and got frustrated because the woman was downplaying how I felt. I ended up blurting out that I had bought SN in all but name. I regretted it immediately, and thankfully it looked like no one was bothered. From what I gather, it was noted and someone looked through my notes a few days ago and realised that was never followed up on and so as a result, I've ended up with the crisis team. They've said that they need to try and manage my risk and will come see me every other day and possibly brings worksheets for me to work on. It's ridiculous. It actually just confirms to me that there is nothing anyone can do and no one seems bothered if I want to end my life.

Today has been weird. Every motion I've done, it's felt like the last time I'll be doing x, y and z. I had a half day at work and I just found myself saying goodbye to people in my mind, wondering what they'd say when they hear the news that I'm not here anymore. I've been restricting my food/fluid intake to practically nothing and take meto just on the 'safe side'. I'm not 100% that I'll do it today, but the percentage has to be in the 90's.

I made one last attempt to try and see if there was some help this afternoon. I told the crisis team I wasn't safe, and all I got was 'distraction techniques', and 'just get through til tomorrow and we'll come see you'. Why? What for? What am I hanging on in there for? My depression never goes away, merely fluctuates. There is no pay off for distraction anymore, just more suffering that nobody can take away. I done with all the 'maintenance' techniques (distraction, self care etc), it's either I get better or nothing. It's been 27 fucking years. Haven't I fought enough?

Taking me out of the situation for a moment, how shit is it that the crisis teams can know all the details like this, and yet still be fine with saying 'see you tomorrow' - you'll be lucky. Every conversation with you reinforces why I just can't do this anymore or much longer.
Whilst I haven't named this site, I am still paranoid they might come to find my posts. Then again, you never know, they might actually not be all that bothered.

 

[uncat_]

hey, at least your not being forcefully hospitalized and traumatized even more in those facilities. you have a choice now

 

[Grumble]

Taking me out of the situation for a moment, how shit is it that the crisis teams can know all the details like this, and yet still be fine with saying 'see you tomorrow' - you'll be lucky.

Are you wanting to be admitted, or...?

Crisis teams look for three factors. All three factors, present at the time of the intervention:

• You have a specific plan. Not "I'm feeling suicidal" or "I want to kill myself." A detailed plan.
• You have ready access to the means to carry out the plan.
• You intend to carry out the plan in the immediate short-term future.

They need to be able to document all three of these in detail to justify the admission, especially if it's on an involuntary (or "voluntary involuntary") basis.

Now, if a crisis team reaches you and you're in such an obviously distraught state that they can't even get all these details out of you, they may go ahead and bring you in anyway, but generally speaking, they're going to need those details before they can proceed.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I have all three of those points, they made me go through it is excruciating difficulty.

No I do not want to be in hospital, been there, done that, got the trauma.

I guess it's just wanting to feel like y existence matters? Anyway, it doesn't matter. I've seen them let down my friend time and time again so at least it's not personal. In a way, they are doing what I want them to do - nothing. At least I can be as honest as I like now and not worry about being hospitalised.

 

[Grumble]

I have all three of those points, they made me go through it is excruciating difficulty.

No I do not want to be in hospital, been there, done that, got the trauma.

I guess it's just wanting to feel like y existence matters? Anyway, it doesn't matter. I've seen them let down my friend time and time again so at least it's not personal. In a way, they are doing what I want them to do - nothing. At least I can be as honest as I like now and not worry about being hospitalised.

I'm sorry you're in this position.

I also think it's absolutely insane that they actually told you they'd bring you worksheets... WORKSHEETS!!!! Not that I blame the crisis workers themselves, because the workers cannot control the limitations of resources... But it's just insane to me to hear of someone in such a state being told they'd be brought some worksheets. And not even timely worksheets... but delayed worksheets!!

Anyway, I know the struggle, and I do wish you well as can be in getting through this.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I'm sorry you're in this position.

I also think it's absolutely insane that they actually told you they'd bring you worksheets... WORKSHEETS!!!! Not that I blame the crisis workers themselves, because the workers cannot control the limitations of resources... But it's just insane to me to hear of someone in such a state being told they'd be brought some worksheets. And not even timely worksheets... but delayed worksheets!!

Anyway, I know the struggle, and I do wish you well as can be in getting through this.

Yeah, the worksheet thing is pretty insulting. Been there, done that. If it helped any, I'd be doing it already. Distraction, distraction, I'm on the verge of punching them out. *sigh*

I'm sat with 2 cups of water in front of me with SN ready weighed and ready to mix. My heart is pounding but I'm just waiting for the diazepam to kick in a bit. I hope I can manage to overcome the si and be gone already.