dental
tired
- Jan 11, 2024
- 22
yesterday marked four years since my suicide attempt. all of yesterday i was at a music festival and, frankly, was too fucked up on a disgusting amount of drugs to process it then – but it's the day after and i'm processing it now. i wait every year for may 19 in the hopes that it will be better than the last, but it never is. it's so painfully discouraging.
i guess i've decided on an ultimatum: if i haven't managed to off myself by the time i'm 27, i am DEFINITELY doing it that may as a hard deadline, unless something miraculous happens to make me genuinely want to keep living (and if that's the case, great!! that would be incredible!! unrealistic, but it's always a possibility.) hopefully i'll make a choice before then, because i don't particularly want to trudge through several more years until then, but yeah. i was really thinking about this while tripping last night too.
loosely, i just want to do all the drugs and then peace out of existence. i've got no obligation to stay on this planet. the world will try to tell me otherwise so it can keep using and exploiting me to feed into the machine, but like... i don't really want that. so i'm going to remove myself from the equation entirely.
i guess i've decided on an ultimatum: if i haven't managed to off myself by the time i'm 27, i am DEFINITELY doing it that may as a hard deadline, unless something miraculous happens to make me genuinely want to keep living (and if that's the case, great!! that would be incredible!! unrealistic, but it's always a possibility.) hopefully i'll make a choice before then, because i don't particularly want to trudge through several more years until then, but yeah. i was really thinking about this while tripping last night too.
loosely, i just want to do all the drugs and then peace out of existence. i've got no obligation to stay on this planet. the world will try to tell me otherwise so it can keep using and exploiting me to feed into the machine, but like... i don't really want that. so i'm going to remove myself from the equation entirely.
