worstOFsociety
Member
- Jan 25, 2023
- 39
I recently had a conversation with a friend where I ended up making a comment in the lines of "I wish I had a normal life". My friends response was that he was kinda happy that he went through and is still going through rough shit. Cause it made him open up his eyes to the state of the world, made him more than a brainless zombie that just follows society's rules and standards. My response in return was in the lines of, I would much rather not have gone through all the trauma, the nightmares, the anxiety, the depression and the endless pain and suffering. That not being "blind" to the state of the world isn't worth all this shit. Apparently it saddened him in a weird way. But as far as Im concerned I would've much rather have had a "normal" boring existence with nothing special. I would've rather have been born in a functional family, would've rather just been that normal ass boy that nobody really pays attention to cause of how bland he's life is. Rather than have had to go through childhood trauma that caused my memory to go to shit, that I still get nightmares over from time to time. First the neglect from my dad then the imprisonment from my mom (she isn't like that anymore at least there's that). The endless abuse from my older sister that literally punched me to the ground and then proceeded to kick me in the stomach cause I forgot the fckng house key. Not to mention the endless pain in my body that never seems to stop, never seem to be able to go a day without being in pain literally. My paranoia getting worse not to mention my depression and anxiety coming back. I feel like Im going insane, like I want to rip myself apart. Rip my skin of and plock my eyes out, existence has become so uncomfortable, living in this body has become so uncomfortable. I moved just a few days ago so gotta get used to my new place as well it is a nice little studio, it just doesn't feel like "home" yet. But then again when have I ever felt at "home"? When have I ever felt safe enough to call a place my home" comfortable enough in an environment to call it a home? I don't recall ever having such a thing as a place I could call home. I used to drive myself into these illusions these lies that maybe my friends could be that home. My friends that abandoned me, that left me one after another. Guess even they realized I wasn't worth their while. I still can't get over my ex either she was the only person I ever truly loved, she made me so incredibly happy and I did my best to make her happy as well but even she ended up losing feelings for me. Tho I can't say I blame her I would leave me too if I could. I seem to have fooled my one true friend to think that Im some kind of good person, he even called me a good friend last night. But I have to wonder how much he'd hate me if he knew what floats around my brain. Because I am frankly not close to being a good friend or person. I have alot of anger and hatred floating around in my heart that I don't know where to direct it towards. Maybe its just hatred and anger at myself, at my incompetence to get myself up from this dark abyss. I've been numb for such a long time now, apathetic you could say I just can't manage to feel a thing emotionally. But somehow I still care about others like that makes any type of sense and sometimes I just wish they could go die in a ditch like the monster I truly am. Regardless all of this doesn't really matter in the end, like my existence doesn't matter and like life itself doesn't matter at the end of the day nothing truly matters.
