schopenh
Specialist
- Oct 21, 2019
- 385
It's quite long. Any thoughts apprecited or grammar mistakes:
I'm sorry to everyone who this is going to affect, I just couldn't live with the physical neuropathic pain anymore, it was far too strong and life had become a non-enjoyable, pointless and torturous experience. From the moment I woke up to the struggle of trying to fall asleep, every single day for the past three years, life was nothing short of an abject, pointless misery. Even the small pocket of activities I could engage with, without making the already severe pain much worse, were not enjoyable due to the pain. All I could do during the day was try and fail to distract myself from pain; there was no comfort or true happiness.
I understand the impact a suicide can have on friends and family, so I am really very sorry. I tried my best to find an answer medically, but I had long ago justifiably reached the conclusion there wasn't going to be any – although I continued to hope for one to magically appear nonetheless. I actually stayed around a lot longer than I wanted to and I feel like the time from summer 2019 until now has just been nothing more than additional unnecessary suffering. I really hoped that the problem would spontaneously resolve as sometimes medical problems can, but the more that time went on, the clearer it became that that was not going to be the case for me.
I want you all to know that that there really was no hope. The disease was showing no signs of spontaneously resolving, and the pain and other symptoms had mostly reached a plateau (or in some ways were worsening). So I was simply set up for a life of suffering immensely and I couldn't just continue with a completely joyless and extremely painful life to spare everyone from the grief. Sixty more years of sitting in a chair in brutal pain just to spare others sadness seemed incredibly unfair on me.
The most important thing to take away from this is that there was nothing anybody in my personal circles (friends and family) could have done for me to keep me living. You don't need to feel bad thinking that if only you had known I was planning this then you could have just done something and I could have been 'saved', because there isn't anything you could have done. I want to be very clear here, this was not a suicide of depression and no form of 'support' or mental health therapy would have (or ever did) benefit me during this situation. This was a rationalized suicide, based on not being able to continue to suffer daily with overwhelming, intractable nerve pain.
To be honest I loved life. If I weren't in pain I'd have moved to the continent, somewhere warm, and done some part time work while working on other things I enjoyed. I'd have hopefully met someone nice and started a family because I'd have loved to have raised a child. Yet, none of that seems remotely appealing with the neuropathic pain constantly coursing through my legs.
You also don't need to feel bad wishing that you spent more time with me before I left. I know this can be a source of guilt for people following a suicide. Truth is, I preferred to suffer alone. I didn't like being in pain in front of people. If I wanted people to visit more, I would have asked them to do so and I didn't.
If I had won a fortune it would have made no difference to this circumstance. I'd have used the money to acquire things that would have made the suicide easier. This is because there is nothing money could buy to improve this situation. I don't think most people realize how crude modern medicine is. The list of recognised and somewhat understood diseases is small and the list of available, safe and effective treatments for the diseases we actually know about is even smaller.
Anyway, I hope you all have good lives and can get beyond this in time. I'm no longer suffering now, and it was unbearable, try to keep that in mind going forward. I could stay alive for the sake of others in certain circumstances but this was not one. The pain was horrible, the medications and other therapies didn't help and it wasn't getting better.
Oh and I highly recommend no matter how upset you are by this to not go near 'mental-health care'. They'll turn your grief into a lifetime problem with their ineffective and damaging therapies. I wouldn't like to be blamed for ruining your life due to the grief I caused when it was really the irresponsible prescriptions of so-called 'anti-depressants' and other medications that actually did it.
Sorry if this wasn't the letter you wanted. After all this suffering, it felt wrong for me to have to apologise for ending it, so I found it hard to know what to say. I also had to arrange this all in secret as all it takes is one person in a misguided attempt to 'help' me to have me forcibly committed to a mental institute; robbing me of my freedom and autonomy and making my overall living condition simply much worse. Because we have no assisted suicide, I had to arrange a method that wasn't as reliable and peaceful as it could have been. I felt resentment at society for this paradigm.
I know there are people who would have preferred I let them in on this plan because they wouldn't have reported me. So now you can understand why I didn't.
I love you all and wish you all the best!
I'm sorry to everyone who this is going to affect, I just couldn't live with the physical neuropathic pain anymore, it was far too strong and life had become a non-enjoyable, pointless and torturous experience. From the moment I woke up to the struggle of trying to fall asleep, every single day for the past three years, life was nothing short of an abject, pointless misery. Even the small pocket of activities I could engage with, without making the already severe pain much worse, were not enjoyable due to the pain. All I could do during the day was try and fail to distract myself from pain; there was no comfort or true happiness.
I understand the impact a suicide can have on friends and family, so I am really very sorry. I tried my best to find an answer medically, but I had long ago justifiably reached the conclusion there wasn't going to be any – although I continued to hope for one to magically appear nonetheless. I actually stayed around a lot longer than I wanted to and I feel like the time from summer 2019 until now has just been nothing more than additional unnecessary suffering. I really hoped that the problem would spontaneously resolve as sometimes medical problems can, but the more that time went on, the clearer it became that that was not going to be the case for me.
I want you all to know that that there really was no hope. The disease was showing no signs of spontaneously resolving, and the pain and other symptoms had mostly reached a plateau (or in some ways were worsening). So I was simply set up for a life of suffering immensely and I couldn't just continue with a completely joyless and extremely painful life to spare everyone from the grief. Sixty more years of sitting in a chair in brutal pain just to spare others sadness seemed incredibly unfair on me.
The most important thing to take away from this is that there was nothing anybody in my personal circles (friends and family) could have done for me to keep me living. You don't need to feel bad thinking that if only you had known I was planning this then you could have just done something and I could have been 'saved', because there isn't anything you could have done. I want to be very clear here, this was not a suicide of depression and no form of 'support' or mental health therapy would have (or ever did) benefit me during this situation. This was a rationalized suicide, based on not being able to continue to suffer daily with overwhelming, intractable nerve pain.
To be honest I loved life. If I weren't in pain I'd have moved to the continent, somewhere warm, and done some part time work while working on other things I enjoyed. I'd have hopefully met someone nice and started a family because I'd have loved to have raised a child. Yet, none of that seems remotely appealing with the neuropathic pain constantly coursing through my legs.
You also don't need to feel bad wishing that you spent more time with me before I left. I know this can be a source of guilt for people following a suicide. Truth is, I preferred to suffer alone. I didn't like being in pain in front of people. If I wanted people to visit more, I would have asked them to do so and I didn't.
If I had won a fortune it would have made no difference to this circumstance. I'd have used the money to acquire things that would have made the suicide easier. This is because there is nothing money could buy to improve this situation. I don't think most people realize how crude modern medicine is. The list of recognised and somewhat understood diseases is small and the list of available, safe and effective treatments for the diseases we actually know about is even smaller.
Anyway, I hope you all have good lives and can get beyond this in time. I'm no longer suffering now, and it was unbearable, try to keep that in mind going forward. I could stay alive for the sake of others in certain circumstances but this was not one. The pain was horrible, the medications and other therapies didn't help and it wasn't getting better.
Oh and I highly recommend no matter how upset you are by this to not go near 'mental-health care'. They'll turn your grief into a lifetime problem with their ineffective and damaging therapies. I wouldn't like to be blamed for ruining your life due to the grief I caused when it was really the irresponsible prescriptions of so-called 'anti-depressants' and other medications that actually did it.
Sorry if this wasn't the letter you wanted. After all this suffering, it felt wrong for me to have to apologise for ending it, so I found it hard to know what to say. I also had to arrange this all in secret as all it takes is one person in a misguided attempt to 'help' me to have me forcibly committed to a mental institute; robbing me of my freedom and autonomy and making my overall living condition simply much worse. Because we have no assisted suicide, I had to arrange a method that wasn't as reliable and peaceful as it could have been. I felt resentment at society for this paradigm.
I know there are people who would have preferred I let them in on this plan because they wouldn't have reported me. So now you can understand why I didn't.
I love you all and wish you all the best!
